


Never Is A Promise

by butimbroken, Scribes1015



Category: Angel: the Series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:39:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 95,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24666994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/butimbroken/pseuds/butimbroken, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scribes1015/pseuds/Scribes1015
Summary: AU. Buffy and Angel are struggling with the decision to divorce.
Relationships: Angel/Buffy Summers
Comments: 8
Kudos: 25





	1. Chapter 1

Unable to sleep - yet again - Buffy sat up back with a sigh. She reached over to her nightstand and turned the lamp on and grabbed up her phone to check the time, and sighed again. She hated sleeping alone - or, well, being unable to sleep while alone in this case. 'You better get used to it,' her brain screamed at her before she forced herself to get up and she began heading toward the kitchen. She turned the television on as she passed through the living room, kept her hold on the remote and continued her walk toward the kitchen and began grabbing ingredients and pans to make a quick egg sandwich all the while starting to browse around Netflix for some good background noise.

Settling on starting one of the shows she’d had on her to-watch list for years now, Buffy finished her late night snack, grabbed a glass of apple juice and sat down to eat all the while trying to keep her mind off the mess that had become her life. 

Her sandwich was gone in a flash and at the end of two episodes of the show she still didn't feel much better. The house was still too quiet, it was still too empty. 

Before trying to crawl back into bed, Buffy traded her apple juice for some wine, took a short but very bubbly and hot bath and sent Willow a text message that had been weighing on her mind so much lately. "It's time," was all it said. Willow would understand though. 

Her heart broke a little, but somehow a bit of relief fell over her as well. She needed something to give. One way or the other.

OoOoO

Buffy had two weeks of debating how she was going to pass along the decision she'd made but nothing really popped out as the right way to go about it. Not even as the moment she sat down to make that phone call came. 

"Hello, Lindsey McDonald here." 

Buffy swallowed and faked a smile to her empty kitchen as she heard the southern voice on the other end of the line. "Hi, Lindsey,” she barely managed to get out. “It's Buffy." 

There was a brief pause, then he cleared his throat. "Buffy, hello... uh, what a surprise," he said, all in a way to signal to her that Angel was listening, or at the very least near. "H-how are you?" 

"He's there, isn't he?" she asked, though she already knew the answer. 

"Yes," was his quick response. “That would be correct.”

Buffy closed her eyes for a second. "I'm really sorry to bother you, Lindsey," she started off, "I don't want to feel like you are involved in or dragged into anything, I promise... I just... I don't know how to get in touch with him really, he changed his number… refuses to speak to me or anyone who even remotely knows me..." 

"It's okay, Buffy," he cut in. "What's going on?" he asked.

"I-I'm moving out," she told him. "Out... out of the house and I thought about just passing that along with the lawyers and everything but it felt... I don't know. It didn’t feel right. Plus, I mean the rest of his things are here and... I didn't want the house to just sit here not being looked after in case something happened I guess so I just... I thought he should know." 

"Understandable. Don't worry about it, I will let him know." 

"Thank you, Lindsey. Truly." 

"You're welcome, Buffy. Is there anything else?”

Buffy had a million things she wished she could say, that she could beg him to pass along but there wasn’t any use. She heard Lindsey call out her name again and she told him that would be all. 

“Okay. Well, have a nice evening," he said but she could hear the lingering now in his voice. 

"I'm doing okay," she told him, trying to sound a little extra chipper. "I promise."

"Okay," he said after a moment. "I'll let you go then." 

"Sounds good, thank you again. Bye Linds." Buffy let out a very large breath as she ended the phone call, feeling her fingers shaking slightly. 

That made it official. More than having found a new place, more than having already started packing, more than the rest of the moving plans already in place... No, telling Angel - even if through a third party - made it settled in the universe.

OoOoO

She had been stuck in her new apartment unpacking for what felt like an eternity, when in reality the movers had only delivered her things yesterday evening. She would be lying if she didn't say that it hurt to finally walk out of that house, their home, but she had more to think about than just herself now. She'd known she was pregnant for a while, ironically she had actually found out the day she was blind sided by divorce papers being handed to her on their front door. 

It wasn't as though she hadn't seen it coming, they'd been on a path of destruction that neither of them knew how to escape. Her mother had warned her that they were too young, that he was too career driven, but like all young girls in love she had let everything go in one ear and out the other. 

Things hadn't always been bad, they had met right after college, he was in Law school with Lindsey, and she had just begun her first year teaching. They really were in love once upon a time, they were that couple everyone just assumed would make it...  _ boy were they wrong _ . 

She'd spent more time than she cared to admit analyzing every moment of their relationship, their downward spiral all started with her Mother's sudden death. Here she was suddenly responsible for funeral arrangements, picking casket colors, the notification of all their family and friends… where was Angel you ask? 

In a meeting. 

He was always in some type of damn meeting. He was in a meeting when her mother took her last breath, he was in a meeting when his ex girlfriend showed up on their doorstep with his brand new seven year old son, he was in a meeting when she was served fucking divorce papers. Like mothers often are, hers had been right, work was and would always be his first priority. Which was exactly how she'd finally found the courage to bow out. 

He wanted a divorce so badly, he could have one. She wasn't even contesting it, she didn't want his money, or the house, she didn't care about spousal support or any of that nonsense. She would never be able to maintain the lifestyle he afforded her on a teacher's salary, but she could survive and that was all she really needed. 

He wasn't even aware that she was pregnant and hopefully she would be able to keep it that way. They didn't exactly run in the same circles, save for Lindsey they didn't even have any friends in common. Due to  _ Bro Code  _ or whatever Linds seemed to be far more on team Angel, than hers… not that there were teams but unfortunately divorces were a messy process. 

No one knew about her pregnancy, not even Willow, not yet. Her hope was that their divorce proceedings would be expedited due to the fact that Angel knew basically everyone that was anyone in this city, they could go there separate ways, and she could blame the baby on a one night stand or whatever. 

Unfortunately, this was one case he seemed to be dragging his ass on and she didn't understand why. One of his buddies had " _ taken _ " him on as a client, she doubted he would even be out of pocket once all was said and done. It didn't matter though, all that mattered now was that her baby wouldn't have to grow up with a father that didn't want her, didn't love her… no if she would do anything as a mother, she would spare her own child the heartache she'd been forced to live with growing up.

It wasn't as if he would even care if she did tell him, she repeated to herself. He never wanted children, and he was already stuck with one. He hadn't had the best childhood and that was one thing he made clear before they even officially started dating. At the time she was young and hadn't really cared either way, not many were planning babies straight out of college. So before they took their vows, they agreed he would have a vasectomy… who knew they weren't full proof. 

She certainly hadn't, but here she was living, breathing proof that nothing is truly one hundred percent effective. He wouldn't have believed her, he would have accused her of sleeping with Xander, or that weird dude Riley that sometimes tagged along with Willow when they went out for drinks.

He would have wanted her to get an abortion. Which in all honesty, she had seriously considered the option herself, then one day as she was researching different places that performed them, the thought hit her that she was still doing exactly what he would want. 

Somewhere in their years together she'd lost Buffy Summers, and at that moment she was bound and determined to find her again. So she'd closed out all the tabs of abortion clinics and started researching Obgyn's instead. Luckily she'd found the most amazing doctor, who had listened to her story without judgment and carefully went through all of her options. An hour later she'd walked out of that office with her hands full of different pamphlets about parenthood, a prescription for prenatal vitamins, and a tiny snapshot of what looked like a jelly bean. That was the same day she'd hired a lawyer, and that was the last day she'd allowed herself to cried. 

She never expected her life to end up here, alone, pregnant, divorced… but there was no point in dwelling on the past. No matter how badly she missed him, no matter how many times she had to quell her desire to storm his office demanding answers, she had to focus on the future, the one where he didnt exist. 

She took as little from their house as she could manage, not wanting or needing reminders of their life constantly scattered about. She hadn't even taken their bed, there were far too many memories tied to that object, instead she had opted for the smaller queen they had set up in the guest room. She took her mother's table, and a few other odds and ends. Other than that she had walked out of that house with nothing more than her clothes and other personal belongings, she hadn't even taken any of their pictures. He could deal with all of those haunting smiles of their past...after all this was what he wanted. 

She glanced at her ringing phone, hitting the ignore button one more time, she didn't have it in here to talk to Lindsey right now, especially when she didn't know if  _ he _ was around or not. Her and Lindsey had known each other since elementary school, he was her very best friend.. well until he went to Law School and met Angel. 

They hit it off and suddenly the two of them were nearly inseparable. Angel started showing up to their weekly bowling meetups, that was how they met, under the black lights and neon lights of Frank's Bowl and Glow. 

Fast forward a few years, and they were going into practice together. For a while her and Lindsey were able to remain as they always had, but somewhere along the way something had certainly shifted in their dynamic. They of course remained great friends through the years since that scale had tipped but he had certainly gotten closer to Angel the more time went on. She supposed it hadn't really mattered as much while she and Angel were together since they were all still friends and heavily involved in one another's lives... but when all the shit began hitting the fan between her and Angel, she couldn't help but feel that sting and realize how different things really had become. Lindsey seemed to be siding with Angel more often than her, and he barely even spoke to her since the night Angel had packed a bag and moved out. 

The fact that he had let Angel crash at his place until he'd found some apartment no doubt a lot to do with the lack of communication, but all around everything still sucked. 

She tried not to be too upset over it and just take it too personally. He was still her friend, he was there if she truly needed him... But most days she didn't even bother trying to reach out to him unless she felt it was incredibly important. She had let him know she was moving out and they had passed a few text one sentence long messages since then but that was pretty much the extent of them speaking as of late. 

In her heart she wished she could just pour everything out to him, lean on him as she'd done countless other times through her life, after all he was the person who knew her best, she wished she could have him be the person she confided in about the baby... but that just wasn't in the cards. 

"Call me when you get a chance. Please," came through in a text a few moments later. Buffy glanced at the notification before setting her phone back down, then she did her best to gather some motivation to return to the task of cleaning and working to organize this new home of hers. 

She may have only taken a few things from the house, but she had gotten various items from her friends, picking items up from a few stores, getting some delivered, just working on it all as she went. It felt like a big project but it would help keep her distracted so she couldn't complain too much.

OoOoO

As he made his way through the eerily quiet house, Angel did his best to not let the surge of panic get the best of him. It was a panic he was becoming all too familiar with these days... the one that had him questioning every choice he had made and still had to make in the days to come to the point of insanity. The one that made him want to do anything under the sun to fix things before it was too late, yet made him want to bury himself in a hole and let it just be what it was all at the same time. 

Ever since Buffy had moved out, he'd found himself back within these walls almost daily. Usually he found himself swinging by after work to just walk through and let his mind wander, then once he had enough of the self induced torture he would drive across town to his apartment for the rest of the evening... unable to bare the idea of moving back in just yet. 

If ever. 

Buffy had made it clear via a meeting with the lawyers that she didn't want the house, she wasn't going to fight him for it, that he could have the house and anything she'd left behind in it if he so chose. They'd once upon a time poured their hearts into making this house their home, having worked with an amazing team to design and construct every inch of it to their hearts desire... and the thought of selling it made his blood run cold. Worse, however, was the thought of moving back in here alone, haunted by memories. 

He was angry as hell that she even moved out to begin with, it would have been easier to have let the tables stayed turned at her and just let her stay and keep the damn property than deal with any of this shit. It would have been easier to avoid ever having to come back through that front door again like he was avoiding the plague than daring to come back after she was gone.

Sitting down on a step near the halfway mark of the staircase leading to the upper level, Angel sighed, putting his head into one of his large hands. She had left with very little belongings but the house felt empty everywhere he looked. It was too clean, it was too quiet. And he couldn't stand it. 

Angel didn't know how long he remained like this, but when he finally decided to stand his leg sure hurt from sitting like that too long. He groaned, turning so he could walk upstairs and grab a few extra items of clothing and random books and items to throw in a bag he grabbed from the bottom of the closet and take back with him to the apartment he'd been calling home.

OoOoO

It'd been dark when he locked the house up and started back out. Stopping to check his mail, he flipped through the first few envelopes and groaned at the large white package at the bottom. Not bothering to even open it right now, he tossed it on the couch once inside. He was sure it was just another endless amount of forms from the firm, a billion more copies of this, that and the other dealing with the divorce, probably more adjustments to what they thought they could get out of the divorce for him... none of which he cared a damn thing about. 

It didn't matter anyway. Buffy signed off on any and everything they put in front of her, refusing to contest a single thing thus far. At this point it felt redundant passing this shit back and forth between them. 

As far as he could tell, she just wanted it done and over with. 

That was how he went into this whole fucking situation, too, so he couldn't say much. When he'd gone and petitioned for divorce in the first place he'd hoped that it all wouldn't be dragged out for months to even years... but he hadn't expected it to be this easy to end things officially between them, either. He expected a fight. He hadn't expected her to go on acting as though she didn't even care. 

And he wasn't sure how to take that.

When he had first left she had tried so hard to talk to him, to fight with him to work all of this out, but he couldn't deal so he just shut down while shutting her out. Apparently it worked because she'd stopped along the way. She gave up trying to see him or getting him to contact her, she moved out, accepted each step of the divorce proceedings without a single groan of protest. Sometimes, her complacency left him wondering if she had ever really cared at all. 

Since she hadn't put up a fight, for anything in regards to their divorce, they hadn't even been required to attend mediation together. All of their correspondence had been through lawyers, or Lindsey, who tried the best he could stay out of the whole mess.

Just out of curiosity he'd unblocked her number a month ago, he wasn't even sure why, maybe a small part of him hoped she would call, maybe that same small part of him regretted everything about this entire situation… but it was far too late for any of those types of thoughts, her actions making it clear that this was exactly what she wanted.

OoOoO

Buffy stood in front of the mirror smoothing a hand over the small curve of her stomach. Sighing, she stripped the t-shirt off, adding it to the pile of clothes that simply wouldn't work. She'd finally returned Lindsey's call one night after he sent her a series of no less than fifty-seven memes about how he missed his quote un-quote  _ best friend.  _

Somehow he'd been able to convince her to join him for dinner at his place, he had always been an amazing cook. Ever since they were old enough to reach the stove, he was always coming up with new recipes, some nights even going as far as to prepare dinner for both their families. She'd hesitantly agreed, only after making him swear on his life that Angel would in no way be making any sort of surprise appearances. 

_ "I'd never do that to you Buff, I know this situation is far from ideal, but at the end of the day you're still my friend… one of my best friends." _

She wanted to trust him, and he was right no matter what they would always be friends… still she had to be careful. The last thing she needed was Lindsey figuring out she was pregnant, especially before the divorce was finalized. Even she knew adding a kid to the mix would stretch things out even further. Not to mention the mess that would cause, one she still hoped could be avoided. 

Which was exactly why she had to find the perfect outfit, she was nearing the halfway point in her pregnancy, luckily she hadn't blown up like a blimp, well not yet anyways… but if she was wearing something too restrictive, then her pregnancy became blatantly obvious. 

Finally settling on a pair of leggings, and an oversized sweater, she made sure to turn in front of her full length mirror, checking from every angle to ensure that her bump was disguised. 

"Well here goes nothing," she whispered, checking herself over in the mirror one last time, before grabbing her purse, making her way to the door.

OoOoO

They sat curled up on Lindsey's oversized leather sofa, as she had expected dinner had been absolutely delectable, and as he promised there had been no sign of her ex. She had to admit that she was glad she came, things between them had been strained for so long, it was nice to spend some time with him away from the drama of her life.

Lindsey hadn't even done so much as utter Angel's name, which she was thankful for, she definitely didn't want to discuss that aspect of her life tonight… still she would be lying if she said she wasn't the slightest bit curious about how he was.

He may have moved out weeks ago, but she couldn't help but notice a few small things of his strewn about the house. Such as the bottle of his aftershave that he must have forgotten in the guest bathroom. When she first noticed it, she'd had to fight the urge to unscrew the top, just to smell it, smell him. It was pathetic, and pointless, and she was stronger than that damnt… at least that's what she told herself as she dried her hands and walked back out of the bathroom. 

"Knocked up?"

"Huh," she asked startled, her eyes flying wide. 

Luckily he was too involved in the channel guide to notice the panic on her face. "You know, that movie with what's her face. The hot alien chick." 

"You mean Katherine Heigl," she asked laughing, she really had missed him. "And uh no, I've seen it. Wasn't that great." She was totally lying, but right now considering her circumstances, nothing about that movie sounded like a good idea. "Let's watch a scary movie, like we used too." 

Sighing, Lindsey switched over from the comedy to the horror section. He hated scary movies, maybe it was the lawyer in him, but they were always so fuckin obvious. "You pick," he told her, tossing the remote to her end of the couch. 

Scrolling through their options, she quickly decided on some new movie about a haunted house.

"Original."

Picking up one the small throw pillows next to her, she chunked it right at him. "Shut up, you just don't like horror movies because they scare you… Don't forget I know your secrets McDonald."

"Not all Summers," he told her with a wink as he shifted to get more comfortable on the sectional, tossing Buffy one of the blankets he had flung across the back of the couch. 

Catching it, she just stuck her tongue out at him in response, as she too turned to get comfortable on the sofa, snuggling under the blanket he'd thrown her.


	2. Chapter Two

"BUFFY!"

Shooting up, it took her a second to get her bearings, to remember just exactly where the hell she was. Unfortunately, she didn't have much time to adjust before realizing it was Connor running to her, throwing himself in her arms. They hadn't spent much time together before Angel moved out, but she'd tried her best to form a bond with the boy while they were still together. 

"Hey buddy, what are you doing here," she asked groggily, hugging him tightly from her spot on the couch. 

"Uncle Lindsey couldn't go to the Hockey Game with us last night, so Dad said we could surprise him this morning with breakfast." Connor was smiling from ear to ear, as she tried desperately to process everything. Dad, Uncle… Connor had refused to call them anything but their names last she saw him. Finally releasing his hold on her, she watched in horror as the boy took off running down the hall.

"Dad! Guess what, Buffy's here too!" 

Falling back onto the couch, she couldn't believe she'd fallen asleep here. Connor said they were here to surprise Lindsey, so it wasn't even like she could blame him for Angel's guest appearance. 

Getting up, she quickly made her way to the bathroom. Maybe if she spent long enough in here, he would just leave, at least that's what she tried to tell herself. Opening Lindsey's cabinet, she grabbed one of the new toothbrushes that she knew he kept around for his multitude of one night stands. She took her time brushing her teeth, washing her face, and of course relieving her aching bladder. She found a comb and managed to brush the bed head from hair, then used one of the elastics on her wrist, pulling it up into a loose bun. 

Knowing she couldn't stay in there forever, she took one last look in the mirror, making sure to adjust her shirt before opening the door. Walking back into the living room her eyes locked with Angel's for just a moment before she felt Connor back at her side, his little arms wrapping around her waist tightly. "Buffy! I've missed you." 

Her eyes left Angel quickly, a sudden panic gripping her as she looked down at Connor's mess of dark brown hair and the chocolate covered, smiling face. She eased his arms from her and knelt down to his level instead, not needing the baby to decide to take the opportunity to start moving around and then wind up with the young boy shouting something out to alert everyone of her condition. She had only felt the baby twice herself and that had been fairly recently but with luck not being on her side she didn't need to chance anything. "I've missed you, too, kiddo" she told him. "How have you been?" 

Connor began a long, bouncing conversation of how he was, telling her random things about what he had been doing in school, what happened on the playground a week ago and then on to asking her why she and Dad didn't live in the same house anymore and a few more awkward questions that she tried to just dance around. It wasn't like she knew how much Connor knew about what was going on or how much Angel even wanted him to and she didn't need to make things harder on anyone. 

Angel never said a word but she could feel his eyes burning a hole in her the entire time, and talking to Connor she found more upsetting than she imagined it would be. Her heart for him more than it ever had before because he was already trying to get used to this new, major shift in his life and everything in it had about fallen apart out of the gates. She wasn't proud of how she handled the very surprising first appearance of Darla and him, or how long it had taken her to come around, but as time went on and once she had thought about everything and searched her heart for what she thought was best she had at least tried. She tried to encourage Angel to have a relationship with him, to have one her own self. She'd tried to get past the shock and even jealousy that he was in no way responsible for and shouldn't have to suffer over and get to know him and try to be civil with his monster of a mother, she had started to try to just take things one day at a time. 

It just hadn't been easy. 

But now with him right in front of her, she felt all the guilt over all of it, and emptiness over not going to ever get the chance to see if she could be a step-mother to him, if they could somehow make a family dynamic work. Many made-up memories of what could have been seemed to flash through her mind. As did the hurt over this new baby not getting to know and grow up with one hell of a cool brother. 

Her hands seemed to keep going to her stomach as they talked, and every time she noticed it she quickly but subtly tried to move it as far from that area as possible. Finally, she found an out from the conversation with the mini version of Angel and stood back up. Lindsey thankfully called for her and she avoided looking anywhere even close to Angel's direction as she crossed the room. 

"I didn't know-" Lindsey quickly blurted out, his voice low.

Buffy patted his arm. "I know, and it's okay. They were surprising you, Linds, they didn't know I'd be here. And I didn't even expect to spend the night."

Buffy followed him into the kitchen, daring a glance over her shoulder to make sure no one was following behind. "I am sorry, though. This was exactly what you were worried about happening. And I swear on my life I had  _ nothing  _ to do with it."

Buffy just shrugged. "It's fine. I mean, we're both friends with you anyway... I'm sure we will have some kind of paths crossing issues to come. As much as I would like that to never, ever have to happen again." 

"You're going to take off now though."

"Well, again... I never even intended to stay this long and it's fine, I have a laundry list of things I need to do today. And no, spending any more time with my soon to be ex husband and his surprise child this morning is not on that said list in any way, shape or form."

Buffy wasn't sure what he said next, he was talking and she was following behind trying to put even more distance between her and the man sitting in there on Lindsey's couch, exactly where she had been when she'd woken up this morning, and the next thing she knew a kitchen drawer plowed into her before bouncing back. "Oh, shit!" Lindsey spat out, catching it only a second to late. "Shit, sorry. I didn't know you were still following me."

Buffy's hands flew right back to her stomach and she knew she must have looked panicked because Lindsey went from brushing it off as just an accident to looking concerned himself. "You okay? Did it scratch you or something?"

Buffy took a step back when he tried to touch her. It hadn't really hurt, more like just shocked her, but she was pregnant so of course her mind instantly worried at first. 

"Stop being a baby, just let me see so I know I didn't scratch you up or cut you or something."

" _ Lindsey _ !" she almost shouted, but not in time. His hands were already lifting the bottom of the long sweater up. She knew he meant nothing by it, and under any other circumstance she wouldn't have even batted an eye at such a small, natural gesture but it didn't take much for him to catch sight of exactly what she had been trying to hide.

"I'm just trying-" and whatever else he was planning to say died on his lips, his eyes widening as they fell on the unmistakable curve of her stomach just barely showing. It wasn't by any means pronounced yet, but if you knew her, and were looking hard enough you'd put the pieces together. "You're-"

Buffy slapped at him and started shoving him toward the door at the back of the kitchen that led outside. She hurried him out of the house and shut the large door behind them before smacking him again. 

"You're...." he couldn't even seem to finish the sentence, his mind imploding as he tried to let this sink in. Suddenly, many of the weird quirks she'd been doing since last night made a whole hell of a lot of sense. "Does Angel know?" he whispered harshly. 

Buffy ground her teeth. "Why in the hell would he know?" she whispered back.

"Well....  _ I wonder _ ..."

"Well, so do I, Lindsey. Just because we haven't gotten some piece of paper signed by a judge doesn't mean we aren't already over and my life is no longer any of his business. Besides, it's not even his." she spat out angrily.

Lindsey took a step back, throwing his hands into the air as he spun around, before turning back to face her. Did she actually expect him of all people to believe that. "Bullshit." he yelled probably a bit louder than he should have."It wasn't that long ago that he filed for divorce, you actually expect me to believe you were fucking someone behind his back… you're not a cheater. Come on Buff, I know you better than that." Being stuck in the middle of his best friends’ divorce was no easy feat, he constantly felt like he was being pulled in two different directions. Not that either of them were doing it on purpose, they had all just been friends for too many years, their lives were too intertwined. He saw the way Angel looked at him every time her name flashed across his phone, and he heard the hurt in her voice every single time he answered. "Look the two of you have some serious issues, I see it from both sides because I have to. But I keep my fucking mouth shut because believe it or not, I don't actually enjoy being stuck in the middle. So don't go taking what I'm about to say the wrong way, but that man in there… He doesn't deserve this. Not again." 

This was exactly what she had been afraid of, why she had been trying so hard to distance herself from him too. "Please Linds, you can't tell him," she pleaded frantically, her eyes filling with tears. 

"Oh fuck that. You don't get to ask me to keep this kind of fucking secret Buffy, he's my best friend, and you're having his god damn baby." 

Her eyes shot from the ground back to his, "Once upon a time, I was your best friend." 

"Don't start with the fucking guilt trips okay. You  _ are _ my best friend, but so is he, and what you're asking me to do, I just can't Buffy. It's not fair." 

Folding her arms across her chest, she bit the inside of her cheek in an attempt to reel back her tears, she never wanted him to be in the middle of this. "You know he wouldn't have wanted to keep it anyway, he probably wouldn't have even believed me if I  _ had _ told him… vasectomy remember?" 

"It doesn't matter. I won’t lie to him, not about this." 

Rubbing her hand across her face she tried to think of some way, any way, to keep him from running in there and just blurting it out to Angel right now. Logically she knew her plan wasn't full proof, but she certainly hadn't expected everything to blow up like this. "Fine. Don't lie to him, just don't tell him," she pleaded, taking a few steps to close the distance between him just before she threw herself into his arms, hugging him tightly to her. 

Oh Jesus this woman really had lost her fucking mind, he thought as he closed his eyes, shaking his head, he blew out a long breath of frustration. The situations he let this girl drag him into… and he wasn't even the one fucking her. "He is going to figure this out, you know that right?" 

OoOoO

His eyes never left her from the moment she stepped into the room, it was as though he'd become transfixed, lost all of his ability to focus on anything except that tiny blonde that for the time being was still his wife. He'd watched her stumble through her conversation with Connor, and had to bite his tongue when she tried to explain to the eight year old why they didn't live together anymore. 

Now he understood why Lindsey had declined to go to the Hockey game with them last night, why he hadn't returned any of his texts about Connor wanting to see him. He continued to watch her silently as she stood, refusing to meet his eyes as she followed Lindsey into the kitchen, making sure she kept as much space as she possibly could between them. 

Feeling as though he may vomit, he waited until she had retreated out of the room before he found the strength to move his legs again. Taking a seat on the couch, he couldn't help but breathe in her scent, he didn't know why he was so shocked. They were bound to run into one another at some point, especially over here. 

Hearing some commotion from outside he let curiosity get the best of him, standing once more, he turned around and grabbed the remote. Handing it to Connor he instructed him to wait here for just a minute. 

Peeking through the kitchen window, he saw Buffy nearly collapse into Lindsey's arms. It was clear that she was crying, despite everything they had been through the last couple of years, despite the divorce, his first instinct was still to run out there and comfort her. Gripping the granite of the counter top, he silently reminded himself that it was no longer his place. She didn't love him anymore, hell they were probably only fighting because she thought Lindsey was behind this whole surprise visit. 

Continuing to glare through the window, he tried to decipher what they were saying but he couldn't hear anything through the glass. Obviously Lindsey wasn't happy about something, the scowl on his face proof of that. When they finally broke apart, he watched as she used the sleeves of her sweater to wipe the tears from her face. That was the only thing he didn't understand, Buffy didn't cry often, surely the mere sight of him didn't upset her that much. 

"Dad, I'm hungry."

Glancing toward his mini me, he reluctantly walked away from the window to open Lindsey's fridge. "I'm not so sure we're going to be able to keep those breakfast plans pal, how about I make you a bowl of cereal if I promise we can stop by McDonalds for lunch."

Connor considered his Dads words carefully, he really wanted to go to breakfast with Lindsey, and Buffy too. But his Dad  _ never _ let him go to McDonald's, always saying how their food was garbage. "Fine, but we get to eat inside," Connor paused for a second trying to get the best deal out of this situation. "The play area...for an hour." he added as an afterthought.

He couldn't help but chuckle at his son's tenacity, sometimes it really was like staring in a mirror. It was no secret that he never wanted kids, but now that he had one he was slowly discovering that this parenting thing wasn't so bad after all. It had taken them a while, but he was proud of how much their relationship had grown recently. Bending down so that he was eye level with his son, he held out his pinky finger in front of him. 

"Forty-five minutes."

Contemplating their arrangement, he really wanted to go to breakfast but he wasn't about to turn down forty-five minutes at McDonald's either. Nodding his head, he too stuck out his pinky linking it together with his fathers.

"Deal."

That was the scene that Buffy saw playing out as she had came back inside. She didn't know why such a simple act between the two of them seemed to strike right through her but it did. Not too long ago she'd had a closer relationship with Connor than even Angel did and now it just looked and felt like everything had become so... natural. Well, in the little she had seen of them in many weeks now anyway. And this was also coming from a man who had spent so much of his life uninterested in children. In public it was like he avoided them at all costs, even friends who'd had kids he did everything possible to not wind up stuck around them. He'd never been outright rude or anything to them... just... a lot of disinterest and avoidance really. 

Now... here was this. Being called dad, having little rituals, pinky promises over who knew what. 

Sucking her breath in when she heard Connor again say her name, Buffy did her best to smile at the young boy, looking back away from Angel's. She hadn't expected them to be right there when she swiftly ran back inside and had, had the misfortune of locking surprised eyes with him once more as she'd rushed inside.

"We're going to go to McDonald's!" Connor told her happily, unaware of any of the uneasiness filling the room. "You wanna come, too?" 

She could have swore she heard Angel make some sort of noise but she was already too fuzzy brained from talking with Lindsey and too trained on simply acting like her estranged husband wasn't closer to her right now than he'd been since the night he moved out, walking away from her as she begged, cried, and pleaded for him not to go. "I'm sorry, Bud, not today okay? I was just leaving actually."

Buffy ruffled through his hair for a moment before pulling away, just as she heard the door open and Lindsey come back inside as well. She didn't dare turn around to look him in the eyes again either, moving away quickly and going back deeper through the house to grab her bag so she could get the hell out of here as quickly as she could manage. 

She didn't want to deal with any more either so didn't bother looking behind her, just prayed he would actually follow through on his end through this whole mess. She knew it was too much to ask of him and in no way was it fair. She'd hoped she could have had more time before he figured it out, or that he would have just let her go on with the lie that it was someone else's, but fate didn't want to be on her side there.

OoOoO

When Lindsey came back inside after chasing after Buffy as she'd all but ran out of the house, Angel thought the man looked like he'd aged a couple years from this morning alone. He didn't know what was going on with Buffy but he knew his unexpected visit probably had at least some to do with it all. 

"Everything okay?" he dared to ask, even though none of this was any of his business. 

Lindsey rubbed his forehead for a moment. "Absolutely fucking not," he breathed out. "Sorry for the drama," he added a moment later. 

Angel shrugged. "I guess it's to be a little expected," he offered. 

"Maybe," Lindsey agreed. "I didn't tell you before about our plans because I didn't want to make things awkward. Didn't really work out."

At that, they both chuckled a bit. Angel had to fight the urge to ask anything more about what was wrong or what they had even done together and he hated that, too. He didn't want to care, but it wasn't as easy as flipping on a switch or pushing some magical button. Instead, Angel kept his mouth shut as Lindsey paced around a little before letting out a huge sigh before asking how the game had gone last night, how his weekend with the little one had been. 

"You said something about breakfast?" he also added. 

"Well, I didn't think you'd be available after all so I kind of got roped into some new plans."

"Yeah?"

"Promised the kid some McDonald's play area time."

Lindsey made a face. "That sounds like a straight nightmare," he mumbled. "But am I still invited to tag along?"

"If you want to."

"Yeah. Just give me a minute to go get changed," he said. Really he wanted to storm over to Buffy's apartment so they could continue the conversation she ran out of him on or to actually discuss this huge bit of news and try to understand just what in the hell she was thinking trying to play this ruse but he couldn't deal with it right now. He needed some time and space. Hanging out with Angel might not have been the smartest thing to do with all this shit either but he needed a distraction. It wasn't like the broody man was going to want to talk about her and Connor, certainly not bridge a conversation. Connor, he figured probably would bring her up but then again would be too busy acting like a monkey once they got there to care. 

OoOoO

Buffy was fairly certain she didn't even take a full breath again until she was back home, leaning back against her door, twisting her hand behind her in order to lock it. Her eyes closed, her hands coming to rest on her stomach as she did everything possible to keep herself from falling apart. 

She really hadn't been ready to see Angel, Connor, for Lindsey to find out she was pregnant. She had hoped with all she had Lindsey would just take her telling him it wasn't Angel's and let sleeping dogs lie... but that was one heck of a tall order with someone who knew her better than anyone else on the planet. 

He'd tried to get out of being stuck in the middle of this, tried talking sense into her that sooner or later the truth was bound to come out, trying to guilt trip her over questions of what she expected to tell this child about where he or she'd come from and it was all just too much. She'd finally just asked him once more to keep his mouth shut on everything halfway between one of his little rants and hugged him even tighter before pulling away and just running from it all. From the conversation, him, her own worries and thoughts, her former family... 

Buffy let out a huge breath as she slunk down to the floor. It was certainly one thing to deal with being alone and not having to see reminders and having Angel's damn face right there with zero warning. It was one thing to have it in her head that once people started realizing she was pregnant she'd just tell them some story and the reality of it, there was a heaviness in lying about this even the one time so far. But despite all of that, she had to believe everything happening was for the best, she had no other choice. 

OoOoO 

He'd been waiting on her doorstep one afternoon when she got home from work, she was honestly shocked it had taken him this long to show up. Without a word he stood and followed her inside, he looked rough, like he'd barely slept in the days since he discovered her little secret. As soon as the door closed behind them, he instantly crossed his arms and began demanding answers. 

Sighing, she took a seat on the small sofa in her living room, closing her eyes and taking another deep breath she prepared herself to face him, knowing he would balk at anything less than the truth. Finally meeting his penetrative glare, she cleared her throat before beginning the story of how she found out herself. How she had fretted all day on what she should do, how she should tell Angel, already knowing it probably wouldn't be the most welcome news… especially since he had moved out the week prior. She told him how she had finally convinced herself to go over to his house, since that's where she assumed Angel had been staying. 

Which was exactly what would have happened, except when she opened their mahogany door to leave she'd been blindsided by a constable, there to serve her divorce papers. 

Obviously, there was no way she was going to him with that kind of news after that. Her original intention hadn't even been to keep the baby, she explained. Knowing not only how Angel felt about kids, but how hard of a time he was already having adjusting to the surprise that was Connor.

"Then what, you just decided to pull a Darla?" 

Flinching at the harshness in her friend's voice, she tried desperately to keep her tears at bay. "Of course not," she whispered her voice thick with emotion. How could he ever compare her to that vapid whore. "I know he's your friend Lindsey, and despite what he may tell you, he wasn't perfect… he hurt me too." 

Lindsey hadn't meant to come across so cruel, he just hated every bit about this situation, and quite honestly he was tired of feeling like he was constantly betraying one of his best friends. "Look Buff, I'm sorry. I know shit is two sided, but he's not keeping something like this from you… I wouldn't let him." 

Unable to control her tears any longer, he watched as she seemed to deflate, curling into herself on the couch as she absolutely fell apart. Groaning, no matter how pissed off he was, he couldn't very well just stand there with her crying like that. Walking over to sit next to her, he pulled her into his arms as he leaned back on the cushions. "Stop crying, it's not the end of the world Summers. But you are going to have to tell him, I mean did you really think he wouldn't notice the baby was his…  _ have you seen his forehead _ ?" 

Try as she might, she couldn't help but chuckle, a part of her relieved that this secret no longer sat solely on her shoulders. "I want him to sign over his rights." 

Of fucking course she did, "Why?". 

Sitting up from her perch under his arm, crossing her own arms across her chest, he couldn't help but stare at the outline of her stomach, the reality of the situation fucking drowning him. "I know firsthand what it's like to grow up with a father who couldn't care less about your existence Linds."

He wasn't sure what to say to that, it was true, Hank was a piece of shit any way you looked at it, but Angel had come a long way since Connor showed up in his life. "If you honestly thought that he didn't care, then you wouldn't be so worried about him finding out."

"You're going to tell him aren't you?"

OoOoOo

He wasn't sure if he felt better or worse leaving Buffy's apartment, they had known each other nearly their entire lives, he understood where she was coming from… but it didn't matter, Angel deserved a shot at this. Sure he knew his friend had never cared too much for children in the past, but that was before he was unexpectedly thrust into fatherhood. 

Besides Buffy wasn't exactly coming from a completely unbiased place, according to Angel her feelings regarding Connor's sudden appearance in his life had just exacerbated a lot of their issues. She was hurt and jealous, which he understood on some level, Buffy had always been great with kids, loved them. That was why she had become a teacher, it really was Angel who had been vehemently against them, going so far as to get a vasectomy before they got married. Which, he was still confused as to how the situation had turned into what it had, he always thought that was the only tried and true method, hell the both of them had. 

Clearly there was a doctor with some explaining to do. 

Somehow she'd managed to get him to promise to keep his lips sealed until she could figure out a way to tell Angel herself. He still wasn't comfortable with the idea of keeping something so monumental from him, but even he wasn't exactly looking forward to Angel's response, and he damn sure didn't want to be the bearer of that news if he could help it.


	3. Chapter Three

She had been dodging his calls for weeks, the few times she had answered, he'd grilled her on when she was going to tell Angel, constantly reminding her that time was ticking, literally. She was stalling, and she knew it. She just hadn't quite figured out how she was supposed to show up and announce that he was going to be a father again in a few months' time. Not that she would have to explain much if she were to bump into him these days, her belly having really popped the last week or two. 

It had taken six months, but some of her colleagues had even begun to comment and question her pregnancy. Not that any of them meant any harm, as far as most of them knew she was still married. After the whole fiasco with Lindsey, she had just needed another ear to turn too, so she had finally confided in Willow. Her reaction had thankfully been better than Lindsey's, but even she was on " _ Team he deserves to know _ ". Which if she were being honest with herself, so was she. She wasn't some one night stand like Darla had been, she was his wife, he could accept their child the same way he had Connor… surely he didn't hate her that much. 

That was the same pep talk she gave herself hundreds of times a day. It was an endless circle that never stopped looping through her mind. A part of her just wanted to pick up the phone and call him, leave him a voicemail or a text. But the logical, mature side of her knew how fucking low that was, she might could have gotten away with that months back but not now. A couple weeks was one thing, but six months into this pregnancy... not so much. She just didn't know how to bridge that conversation, less by each passing day. More often than not she wished she either would have just told him near the time she'd found out herself or that she just hadn't ever agreed to tell him in the first place. 

OoOoO

As they were waiting at the stop sign for their turn to pull into the small parking lot of his apartment, Angel felt like he'd been sucker punched as he spotted a familiar vehicle parked in one of his designated spaces. "Isn't that Buffy's?" Lindsey asked just as he started to make the turn and Angel let out a few muttered curses. "You think she's here?" 

He almost sounded hopeful Angel thought but he barely paid attention, his head starting to throb. He jumped out of the passenger side as soon as they came to a stop and rushed over to it. "I fucked up," he muttered as Lindsey opened his own door. Shielding his hand over his eyebrow he peeked in the side window and saw the papers sitting neatly on the other seat, the keys on top of them. 

"Care to fill me in?" 

Angel sighed as he began to explain how he'd signed off about the latest string of paperwork from the lawyers, how he'd skimmed over one about all of the vehicles they had and he'd completely blanked about how they had gotten rid of the little sports car that had been in Buffy's name since she just drove the SUV all the time once they'd picked it up. In his mind this was Buffy's and he'd had every intention of making sure she kept it but the way the paperwork had been worded... he knew what it said and how she must have taken it.

With a huge sigh, he rubbed his already sweaty forehead. Basketball after work with some of the guys had seemed like a good idea until the headache came... and now was only growing worse. 

"Would you take this back to her?" he asked. 

OoOoO

Two days later, Lindsey found himself looking around a used car lot with Buffy, still arguing with her that she should have just accepted the damn SUV back. 

"It's fine, Lindsey," she muttered. "It wasn't mine in the first place."

He groaned, wishing she was the tiniest bit less stubborn at times. Hell, he had been on pins and needles for months now, and that only grew worse as time went on. He still couldn't believe this woman had yet to to breathe a word to Angel about the baby she was growing. Hell, he couldn't believe he hadn't just blurted it all out one day his own self either. There were a few times he'd come close but truth be told he did not want to be that fucking messenger. 

But something had to give soon. 

There was only so much time she had left and if she kept growing like she was he was sure if Buffy or he didn't wind up telling Angel soon then someone else would some way or another he feared. He could only imagine how much of a shit show it would be when he found out, but there was no question that it'd be a thousand times worse if it all happened with him being blindsided by a stranger. 

Buffy kept promising to tell him "soon" but months on top of months had passed at this point without it looking like she was any closer to actually doing so. If her own lawyer didn't call her out soon on her current "situation" he worried they'd get the divorce granted despite the fact she was pregnant before Buffy ever got the fucking words out there.

"Would you just accept the fact that he made a mistake and take the damn thing back? He doesn't even want it."

"No," she called out, sticking her head inside another one of the cars. "It'd just be seen as a tiny hiccup in the divorce, and it would be me taking something I don't need from him."

"It can't be that big of a deal, Buffy!" he argued. "And it is something that you need! You have work to get to, there's all your doctor appointments, and all that shit. And his car that he is trying to give you is all up to date with the latest seat belts and safety features and whatever else. You aren't going to find anything like that out here and don't you want the best for that little bundle of joy there?"

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Some of these aren't even that old, Lindsey. It's going to be fine... I just need to find one that I can actually afford with everything else going on."

"You are killing me!" he groaned. 

OoOoO

Feeling fed up one evening, Lindsey just blew Angel off and headed to the closest bar to his house. He'd started trying to hint to Angel about Buffy and got nowhere, hell he had tried to accidentally have them bump into one another even without too much intervention on his end but that also fell flat.

It was ridiculous. It wasn't even like this was the biggest town on the planet, it shouldn't be that hard to have two people in the same place at the same time. Yet, here they were! 

Doing his best to keep up with trying to ignore them and their damn issues for just one evening, he kept the bartender busy until he was cut off. "Would you like me to call you a cab?" 

Lindsey laughed, shaking his head. "I have a better idea," he mumbled. 

OoOoO

Buffy was struggling to get Lindsey's damn ass into the seat when suddenly she felt another body beside her. Turning her head, she yelped as she spotted Angel who easily finished the job of getting Lindsey into the beaten up van. 

Nearly hopping away from him, she heard Lindsey practically sing "Oh, yay, you both came!" 

She was sure she looked like a deer caught in headlights as Angel stepped back, closing the squeaky door and finally taking her in. From behind you really couldn't tell anything was off but with a full on frontal look she knew there was no hiding the large baby bump that had been taking over her body lately. 

She swallowed, taking a few steps back as she tried reading his face but he seemed to be just rushing through a wide variety of emotions. It was like she could practically see him trying to figure out how far along she was, doing the math in his head, the surprise, anger... all so very clear in those handsome features.

Boy, was she going to kill Lindsey. 

"I-I should get him home," she rushed out before Angel could say anything. And then she practically flew out of the parking lot and down the street as fast as she could. Sadly, it didn't surprise her to find him following behind the whole way back to Lindsey's. 

She was practically shaking as she maneuvered the oversized van into his gravel driveway. It didn't take long for the sleek tail lights of Angel's Mercedes to pull up behind her, blocking any chance she had to escape. 

OoOoO

He'd jumped in his car as soon as the text came through that said he was going to need a ride home. Lindsey rarely drank to the point where he couldn't drive, and for good reason… drunk Lindsey, and sober Lindsey were too very different people. Over the years Angel had learned the hard way that neither of them could be held accountable for the others actions. 

Pulling up to the little dive bar, his heart dropped into his stomach when he spotted Buffy struggling to maneuver Lindsey into some old beat up van. Now more than ever he knew he was going to have to find some way to convince her stubborn ass to take the damn SUV back. He wouldn't be able to live with himself if something happened to her because she was rolling around in that death trap just to prove him a point.

Parking his car a couple of spots over, he rushed over, coming up behind Buffy as he took over the chore of heaving Lindsey's heavy ass into the car, closing the door, just as his friend expressed his joy at seeing the both of them. He'd turned to Buffy, ready to crack some joke about their friend's intoxicated alter ego, but the words died on his lips as he took in the sight of her. 

Suddenly a million different thoughts, questions...hell accusations filled his head. His brain went into overdrive as he tried desperately to process exactly what he was seeing meant. She was pregnant, and not just a little pregnant. She was full on, there's a baby in there, no question about it pregnant. He was just about to open his mouth to say something, what he wasn't sure, but she hadn't given him the chance regardless. Before he knew what was happening, she had rounded the car, climbing into the driver's seat, she'd thrown it into reverse and backed out as he stood motionless, his brain still trying to process what had just happened. 

Without much thought he'd instinctively ran back over to his own vehicle, if she thought for one second he was just going to let her run away from this, then she'd never really known him at all. Speeding up it didn't take him long to pull up behind her, he was sure she saw him, but at the moment he didn't give a fuck. His mind was spinning, from the looks of it there was no way in hell she'd gotten pregnant after they had separated, and with his vasectomy… that only meant one thing.

She'd cheated on him. 

His grip on the steering wheel tightened as everything about the last few months began to make a hell of a lot more sense. Why she had been so complacent in regards to everything concerning the divorce. Why she hadn't put up a fight for any of their shared assets, why she wouldn't even so much as take the damn car back that as far as he was concerned had always been hers. 

It was all he could do to focus on following the damn tail lights ahead of him, he wondered if their lawyers were aware… if Lindsey was aware. He was the best friend he had, he was his family, but what he and Buffy shared spanned nearly their entire life... of course he would take her side in this. 

He watched her swerve as she tried to park the mammoth vehicle in Lindsey's small driveway, pulling in behind her he put his own car into park, effectively trapping her. 

OoOoO

Buffy watched in her side mirror as Angel slowly stepped out of the car, his eyes pinned on her own, as though he could see her despite the darkness. She waited as he calmly walked over to the passenger side of her van and opened Lindsey's door, quickly reaching out she grabbed onto his arm to stop him from completely toppling out on top of Angel. 

After getting him out of the car, Angel helped Lindsey up the first few steps of his porch before Lindsey grasped the bannister, leaning over its edge as he spewed his stomach's contents to the ground. She could see the frustration in Angel's eyes as he jumped back out of the way before struggling to help Lindsey back off the steps and onto solid ground… leaving him there, she watched as his attention turned back towards her. 

Stepping out of the van as gracefully as she could, she crossed her arms as they stood taking each other in from across the yard. Her bedtime seemed to be a hell of a lot earlier these days, so when Lindsey called, she'd hopped straight from bed and into her car. She couldn't have scripted this moment any better had she tried, here she stood in her favorite pajama pants, one of his old wife beaters stretched taught over her protruding belly, her hand instinctively smoothed down her stomach knowing there was no way she could talk herself out of this one. 

She was going to fucking kill Lindsey come tomorrow. 

Angel took a few more steps towards her, stopping once he got within a couple of feet of her… not trusting himself to be within her reach just now. 

"What… when…," she listened as he stumbled over his words, having pity on him she closed her eyes as she took over answering what she could only assume he was trying to say. 

"I'm just over six months...twenty-five weeks to be exact," she managed, opening her eyes to meet his own once more. Except the emotions she saw swarming behind those dark orbs weren't exactly what she'd been expecting, they were worse. He looked furious, his whole body seemed to shake with restrained anger as he mentally counted back the weeks. 

"Is it Xander’s?"

Rolling her eyes, she couldn't help but shake her head, she would never understand why he had always been so jealous of him. "Seriously?" 

He scoffed at her sarcasm, how fucking dare she, "Well geeze Buff, I don't know, I'm sorry, I just found out that my fucking wife was cheating on me!" 

His voice had risen with every syllable, causing her to slowly step back as far as she could go until her back was flush against her vehicle's door. " _ You're wife _ ? Now I'm your wife? Don't you forget that you were the one who walked out on me, and it was you that had me fucking served with divorce papers barely a week later… so I'm sorry, but I don't think you have the right to call me your god damn wife."

Stepping towards her, he placed his arms on either side of her, effectively pinning her place. As furious as he was, he could still feel the tiniest tingle course through him at being this close to her after so long. "Who's the father Buffy?"

With no where to run she stared deeply back into his eyes. Isn't this exactly how she swore he would never believe her anyway? "And what if I told you that you were? Huh? What then, Angel?" she asked him, her tone as hard as both of their angry sets of eyes. 

He let out a very unamused bark of laughter. "Well, let's see... I'd call you a fucking lying whore to start things off with. And I would only grow more creative from there."

"You are unbelievable," she muttered. Her head was starting to pound and she wished she could just get the hell away from here, away from him. 

Angel's jaw clenched down so hard she was sure a tooth or two were going to crack under the pressure. She knew there was no universe in which he would physically harm her but she felt a fear gripping her all the same as she felt the waves of pure anger and frustration pouring off of him. 

She wasn't sure how long they stood there in the same position just staring angrily but he finally ground out the question of who she had cheated on him with once more and she angrily pushed at him, wanting him to fucking give her some space to breath. "You know what, Angel? It doesn't even matter! I could tell you it was in fact Xander, or it was someone from work that I was carrying on a secret relationship with for months while you were fucking unavailable to me, or I could say oh I had a one night stand with someone from The Bronze... and none of it would matter! It doesn't change anything and it's none of your goddamn business!" she shouted at him. The hell if she was going to stand here all night trying to convince him of anything, let alone that the baby she had been handed by this ill timed twist of fate was his. 

Lindsey could try and come at her tomorrow all he wanted. She didn't care that he didn't intentionally - sober anyhow - put this shit in motion, he wasn't going to guilt trip her again over this shit. Not after this. 

Angel hadn't budged while she'd pushed with all her might against his chest and shoulders but at the sight of angry tears pooling in her green eyes he swore under his breath, pushed off from the dirty van and took a few steps back. 

He knew she was right. At the end of the day it didn't matter who she had been with or how, and yet... it did. He wanted to know. He wanted to hear her say the fucking words that he was right, that she had been with someone else. He wanted to know how long, how many times they had been together. He wanted to know who the hell it was. He wanted to know who he should hunt down and beat the holy hell out of. He wanted a face to put to the nightmares he knew he was bound to have now about her and whothefuckever this guy who'd knocked his wife up was. If nothing else but to torment himself with it all.

Buffy looked so visibly shaken he took another few steps back toward the house to give her some air. 

He couldn't believe she had been hiding this the entire fucking time. And Lindsey! He knew Lindsey had seen her a number of times months back and now they were back to regularly being in contact with one another. There was absolutely no way his ass hadn't known he thought with an angry glance back toward the traitor. 'Not a fucking word,' his mind yelled. 

OoOoO

Buffy felt like they had gone back and forth with screaming at one another and silently glaring at one another enough. A neighbor's porch light turned on and his head peeked out from behind the door which had her stopping mid-scream and just letting out a huge breath of air. "I am not doing this anymore," she said as calmly as she could. "I'm going to leave. So, you can either move your damn car out of my way or I'm either going to plow the fuck into it, or find some other way to get away from you." 

"I'm not doing  _ shit _ !" he yelled back at her. 

"Fine! Fuck you, Angel!" she tossed back, turning and hurrying back into the driver's seat. She weighed her limited options before honking at him to get out of the way as her tires turned. She kept it up until he had moved enough for her to drive through Lindsey's bumpy ass front yard and back out onto the road. 

She tried to do some calming breathing as she drove away from the house but a few streets over she had to pull over and just let it all wash over her for a few. She was so angry and hurt by how he had reacted, not that she expected much else from him. 

OoOoO

Angel stared down the road long after her lights were no longer visible. He debated just leaving Lindsey lying where he was and following after her, but he didn't really have anything left. His mind was reeling, he didn't think he was in any shape to be driving anyway, and he didn't know what there was left to even say right now. 

Buffy was pregnant. Very pregnant in fact. 

His stomach wanted to drop from everything surrounding that information. He'd never wanted kids... and then there was Connor... and there were those moments of regret about taking those drastic steps to ensure a baby wouldn't be something he'd had to worry about coming into the mix. Fatherhood wasn't so bad... and that was with a child with fucking Darla. He'd started wondering what it would have been like to have that with Buffy and he wasn't blind to her doing a lot of the same once his former one night stand showed up on their door one day. He'd seen the jealousy and hurt over it, over this other woman having something with him that she'd never get the chance at, it really hitting her that this was something she'd never have at all with him.

He'd thought that someday he was sure she'd move on, that she would have that family she realized she wanted with someone else, and that had ate him the fuck up and he usually pushed all of those thoughts right back out of his head as quickly as he could. But this... this wasn't some distant future, this wasn't something he just imagined up... 

Hearing Lindsey groan and throw up again, he turned back to his so called best friend. Talking with him wouldn't do much good tonight, he knew that, but he also wasn't sure how well he'd handle waiting for the motherfucker to sober up either. The first sign that he was back to himself, Angel was ready to punch him in the fucking face over all of this. 

Angel stomped his way back up to the front door, unlocked it and made sure Lindsey was done emptying his stomach before struggling to get his ass inside and laid out on the sofa. Next 

he had warned Lindsey he would react, what was the point in even telling him when he already knew the mother fucker wouldn't have any recollection of it, he wasn't sure. But right now he just needed someone to yell at. 

Lindsey made some gurgled reply before rolling over and throwing one of his legs off the couch, waving his hand blindly as if telling Angel to shut up just before beginning to snore. 

Roaring out in frustration, Angel quickly picked the closest thing to him up, which just so happened to be a remote control and threw it with all his might, watching it shatter and splinter in the air before falling to the floor. He wasn't sure what he was most pissed off about, the fact that his wife had cheated on him, hidden a pregnancy, or the fact that his so called best fucking friend had obviously been in on it the entire time. 

He knew Lindsey struggled to be the middle ground in all of this, but this was beyond that. He'd been the one to see all of their fights and struggles first hand, hell he'd been the one who he turned too that night he had finally had enough and just walked out. Lindsey had witnessed him at his worst, on nights when he didn't think he was going to be able to make it through them, Lindsey was there… and still he said nothing. 

Nothing about this situation was okay, but he had to admit it made him feel a hell of a lot less guilty about filing for a divorce knowing what he knew now. To hell with the SUV, to hell with every single promise he had ever made her, to hell with her. He had absolutely no intention of leaving until Lindsey woke up and he could hear what he had to say, but as soon as he fucking drove away from this place, he was going to get laid. 

He hadn't been with anyone besides Buffy in years, telling himself he wasn't ready, that he would wait to branch out until after their divorce was final… but fuck that, it was proven tonight that he'd been absolved of every single regret and guilty thought he'd ever had where she was concerned. 

There was no way he could get any sleep now, flopping down into one of the recliners he pulled out his phone. It was meant to be a distraction, a way to calm his nerves, but all too soon he found himself scrolling through Buffy's facebook. He searched through every post, read every comment, went through every single one of her friends, hell he'd even analyzed every single picture she'd been tagged in for the last six months. Even after all that he hadn't been able to zero in on exactly who the baby's father could be, which only seemed to further his fury. 

Standing, he made his way to the bathroom to take a shower in hopes that it may help him relax a little. Standing under the hot spray he replayed the conversation they'd had through his head repeatedly… he couldn't believe she'd had the audacity to ask him what he would say if that baby was his. That had been a low blow, she knew it wasn't possible and so had he. 

OoOoO

Somehow she'd managed to get herself together enough to make it home. Though even as she climbed the stairs to her second story apartment her entire body trembled, still unable to believe all of that had really happened. Those were the types of fights that haunted her dreams, those were the angry eyes that she remembered so well from the last few weeks of them together. She knew he wasn't likely to react well, but having him scream obscenities and call her a whore pretty much fell under worst case scenario on her list. 

One thing was for sure, she'd been right, and in that moment she would have done anything if it meant erasing the fact that Lindsey had ever found out. For as much as she had been debating what the right thing to do was, she now more than ever wished she could just go back to her original plan. She wished Lindsey never found out, she wished Angel didn't know, hell right now she wished she just hid the whole damn pregnancy, and showed up to Thanksgiving baby in tow… _ Surprise mother fuckers _ . 

Holding onto all of the anger, she'd been able to make it through a shower, three episodes of Friends, and making a sandwich before she just completely fucking lost it, sinking down to the middle of the kitchen floor. Sobs tore violently through her, as she tried desperately to gasp for breath, knowing that letting herself get this upset was bad for the baby. Leaning up against the bottom of the fridge, she used both hands to hold her stomach as more tears continued to fall. 

In an effort to calm herself she began talking to their unborn child, apologizing for everything she had done to totally screw up the world he or she was going to be born into. She apologized for the harsh words she'd spoken to Angel earlier, for the fact that she had kept her pregnancy a secret for so long, for the fact that she hadn't been able to keep it a secret long enough...and lastly she promised her moving bump that despite its father being absent, she would do everything in her power to make sure it was always taken care of, no matter what. 

At some point during the night, she'd found the strength to pull her exhausted and aching body up from the cold floor of the kitchen. She barely remembered stumbling down the small hallway to her bedroom, before collapsing once again, burying her face into one of her pillows in order to muffle her cries. Looking out the window she saw the first specs of light beginning to filter across the horizon, knowing Lindsey would be up soon she powered down her phone. She would face him and everything else later, right now she just needed a little bit of time to shut the world out, she needed to sleep.

OoOoO

As he'd known it wouldn't, sleep never came for him as he sat in the chair across from Lindsey, alternating between facebook and the television. Anything to try to keep his mind busy as he waited for him to wake up, it was well past dawn before he'd given even the slightest inclination, other than his obnoxious snoring of course, that he was alive. His patience non-existent by that point, Angel leaned over from his chair and smacked Lindsey right across the back side of his head.

"Rise and shine mother fucker."


	4. Chapter Four

Every single cell in his body felt like it had been run over by a bulldozer. His head was pounding to the point, he was sure the back of his scalp would blow at any moment. His mouth felt dry and scratchy as though someone had stuffed it with cotton balls, trying to recall how he'd ended up here, and where exactly here was, he forced his eyelids open, only to squeeze them right back shut as hard as he could. Everything was blurry, too damn bright, and he felt as though if there was anything left to throw up inside of him that he in fact would be doing that right about now. 

Angel gave him a moment to gather his bearings - but not much - before shouting his name. 

"What, motherfucker?" Lindsey groaned, wincing at the loudness of it all. He didn't know which was even worse - having to hear his own voice so close or Angel damn near shaking the walls with his. 

"Was it you?" Angel demanded. 

"The fuck was me?" Lindsey asked, still trying to figure out what in the hell was even going on or what had happened in the past... well, however many hours it had been since his last memory he could manage to recall. 

"Buffy."

Lindsey stopped mid movement as he tried to sit up better, the best he could anyway given the room was spinning for him still. 

"See, because I have been racking my brain trying to figure out how in the hell you could keep all of this a secret from me... and as much as I keep pushing it away time after time... all I can see to come up with is-"

"Whoa... wait. You talked to Buffy?" 

Angel growled. "I  _ saw  _ Buffy," he clarified. "Quite a surprise too when I come to pick your drunk ass up as soon as you called and happen to find her beating me to the punch. More of a fucking surprise when I realize that my  _ fucking wife _ is  _ fucking pregnant _ !" Angel's voice got louder with each word. 

Lindsey winced, wondering just how badly he'd fucked everything up when suddenly he found searing pain shooting through his face as Angel's fist connected. "Jesus fucking Christ!" he shouted, his hands coming up to cup his nose. 

"Was it you?" he asked again. "Because that's the only fucking reason I can think of as to why you wouldn't have told me."

"Fuck no! You know good and well that Buffy is like a damn sister to me, Angel! Hell, she's closer to me than my actual fucking sisters! That's disgusting," he groaned. Of all the things he'd been worried about through all of this, Angel accusing him of all people had not crossed his mind. He wanted to throw up all over again even having those words or thoughts out in the universe.

"Then why?" 

"Didn't she explain all of this to you last night?" He wasn't sure whether or not he'd even want memories of what must have went down had he even had the ability to. 

Angel barked out some laughter. "Well, first she just stared at me, hopped back in her car and drove away as fast as she possibly could. So, I had to follow you both, trap her here in your driveway and start trying to process exactly what in the hell I was seeing! Twenty five weeks along she tells me. So then I have to wonder why in the hell no one told me this entire time, I have to wonder who in the goddamn hell my wife was cheating on me with. None of which she's willing to come forth with... instead she just pisses me off more asking me what I would do if she told me it was mine and then starts going on a long spiel about how it doesn't even matter whos it is because apparently it's not my concern."

Letting out a huge breath of air, Lindsey wished he could take whatever he threw into motion last night right back out of existence about now. Stress from keeping this all a secret was possibly better in hindsight. Of course Angel went on the attack, of course Buffy shut down and just went off on him and let him think whatever he wanted to think. And now he had nothing but a mess left at his front steps to try and clean up.

"Why didn't you tell me?" 

Lindsey leaned back against the couch. "Because she begged me not to, she begged me to let her figure out the right time to tell you."

"And when was that going to be?"

"I don't know. Time kept dragging on and I was basically harassing her at this point... and more than a few times I seriously thought about just sitting you down and letting you know... but I just... I didn't want to be the one to break that news. Not really." 

Angel started pacing around the living room, through the kitchen and living room and back again. "You should have told me any fucking way," he muttered. Another round trip and he asked who Buffy had been with. "She can say it's not my business all she fucking wants but it is, Lindsey. I need to know. And don't even try to play dumb because I know she would have told you."

"Who in the hell do you think?"

Angel ran a hand down his face. "Well, after spending all night thinking about every single male I happen to even know in her life, Facebook stalking, letting my mind run wild I did land on you so..."

"Angel, your wife is pregnant. I think the main suspect as to who might have put all this into motion is pretty clear."

"Except that it's not possible you mean?"

Lindsey sighed again and shrugged. "I don't know what to tell you, Angel. Maybe they botched it."

"Or, more likely, Buffy was off sleeping around with whothefuckever and they knocked her up."

"Maybe," he offered, "But, I mean... she is quite obviously pregnant and she got pregnant right before you two decided to split. Seems like something at least worth looking into, don't it?"

OoOoO

Angel kept mentally debating whether or not he was going to even entertain this idea up until there was a receptionist on the other end of the line asking just what she could help him with today. In that final split second he had to decide if he was going to just hang up on her or... "Hi, uh, I need to set up an appointment," he barely managed to get out. 

The lady took down all of his basic information then asked what he was needing to be seen for and his mind blanked at first before asking for just a general check up, he figured he could let out all the details to the doctor when he was there rather than trying to explain everything to this poor woman. 

He took the first available appointment she wound up offering and thanked her for her help but tossing the phone into the empty passenger seat on the car. 

OoOoO

The three day wait period until his appointment was nothing short of pure hell. He'd wound up having to use one of his sick days at the office already because his mind simply wouldn't let him focus on anything other than Buffy and that child growing inside of her. Or the fact that she and Lindsey had both freaking hid the whole thing from him for months. 

It took everything he had not to go storming up to her school, burst through her classroom door and demand some fucking answers. It was definitely a good thing that he wasn't privy to her new address, though he probably could have gotten it through their lawyers, he didn't trust himself with that information though, not yet. When he confronted her he wanted to have the proof in hand, that what she was claiming was fucking impossible. Then he wanted the damn truth, and if it was Lindsey, well he may just be in an orange jumpsuit come tomorrow. 

OoOoO

After sitting in the waiting room for nearly an hour he was finally escorted back into a room where the nurse began asking him some general questions about what exactly was bringing him in today. Where he had been nervous to discuss things when he made the appointment, all of the anger and emotional turmoil he'd subjected himself too over the last three days must have caused all of inhibitions to fly out the window. The next thing he knew, he'd finished his rather dramatic story about the situation he currently found himself in, and while he was absolutely flabbergasted with the entire scenario, the young nurse seemed rather calm, as though this was just some everyday occurrence… which only seemed to ignite his fury. 

"How long ago did you say your vasectomy was?" she questioned as she continued to take notes on the pad in front of her. 

Thinking back he mentally calculated the years, "Just over seven years ago.".

Nodding her head, "We're going to need a sperm sample," she told him as she pulled a small plastic cup with a blue lid from the cabinet above her. 

"A sperm sample," he deadpanned. What the hell did they need a sperm sample for hadn't she heard the part about the vasectomy. 

"Yes. Although Vasectomies are generally considered a permanent form of birth control, there is still a small percentage of them that fail. It's not completely unheard of unfortunately."

His mind was reeling how the fuck had he never heard about this before, or been warned of the possibility. "Seven years later… how?"

The pen in her hand paused, as she finally took her eyes off the clipboard in front of her to actually look at him. "Look, the doctor should be in shortly, and he's much more qualified to answer these questions, but without a sperm analysis there's not going to be much we can tell you." 

Letting out a breath of frustration, Angel stood and grabbed the cup off the counter top. He hated this part of the process, it was fucking humiliating. At least when he went through this before he'd had Buffy there, as much as he'd dreaded it then, that little office visit had turned out to be pretty fun. Shaking those thoughts from his head, he listened to instructions as to how not to contaminate the sample, how to use the wipes in the bathroom to clean the outside of the cup after securing the lid, and finally how he should leave it in the small metal window in the bathroom. 

Following her lead to the restroom, he tried to act as casual as possible, he wasn't easily embarrassed but he'd be lying if he denied the blush that he could feel creeping over him at the moment. 

"Whenever you're finished, you can head back to the exam room where the doctor will be waiting to answer any further questions you may have." 

OoOoO

It had taken him nearly thirty minutes, and he'd only been able to  _ accomplish _ anything after he finally relented and pulled out his phone. Opening up one of his old albums, he began playing videos of him and Buffy from before everything went to shit. It was wrong on an infinite number of levels, but if this is what it took to get the proof he needed… then so fucking be it. 

When he was finally finished and back in the room, he found himself grateful when the doctor entered the room alone. He'd been his doctor for a number of years, hell he'd been the one to perform his vasectomy in the first place, he was the one who actually held some fucking answers. 

"Angel. It's been a while, how have you been?" he asked as he grabbed the stool from the corner, pulling his stethoscope out to listen to his heart. 

Flinching, he wasn't here to have his fucking heart checked damnt. "Look Doc, I get your trying to do your job here, but I don't need my fucking heart checked, or my ears looked at, or anything else. What I need is some fucking answers." 

Taking a step back, he once again sat on the stool in front of Angel. "Look Angel, I read over the nurses notes, and I understand your frustrations. Buffy's pregnant it seems?" At Angel's silent nod, he continued. "I can't give you an answer until we get the results back from your sperm analysis, which we should probably have by the end of the day. But what I can tell you is this, it's far from common, but it's not unheard of for the tubes that we cut during the vasectomy to grow back. Now you came to all of your follow up appointments, and we confirmed that your sperm count was zero at the time, but it's been the better part of a decade, a lot could have happened since then. Now I can tell you in cases where one or both of the tubes grow back, a lot of times a lower sperm count is produced, but as I'm sure you know it only takes one." 

That sick feeling that he'd felt off and on since that first night at Lindsey's was returning with a vengeance, his thoughts, his emotions had been all over the fucking place for three days. He'd damn near convinced himself that not only was his soon to be ex-wife a whore, but that she had more than likely been impregnated by their best friend… and now this doctor was telling him that there was a real possibility he was wrong. 

OoOoO

With a promise of a phone call by the end of the day, Angel left the office completely lost in his own head. He was more confused than ever now, as he continued to drive circles around town for the better part of the afternoon. Not wanting to go home, and not knowing where else to go, he pulled up to Lindsey's and said a silent prayer that he was home from the office already. 

Not bothering to knock, he walked in his front door and immediately met the blackened eye of his friend. Just as Angel was about to open his mouth to speak, the ringing in his pocket damn near had him jumping out of his skin. Holding up a finger to one pissed off looking Lindsey, he took a seat in the same recliner he'd spent the night in when this whole mess started. 

"Hello," he somehow managed to choke out, despite feeling as though he may pass out at any second. 

Listening to the bubbly nurse on the other end of the line, he felt his stomach churn more each word she spoke. Most of it went through one ear and out the other, his inability to process everything getting the best of him right now… but one thing he did hear was the number two hundred and fifty million… that was his sperm count... per fucking milliliter. 

"Did you have any questions?" 

Angel's eyes were wide as they would go and he was still stuck on the announcement itself from earlier. Still ninety percent of what she continued to say went right over his head. Of course he had questions, an endless fucking stream of questions, but none of them he figured she could answer. Instead, he mumbled out that he would appreciate a phone call from his actual doctor at some point to go over everything but beyond that... 

"Would you like to set an appointment to have your surgery?"

"W-what?"

"Your vasectomy," she clarified without missing a beat. 

Angel blinked a few times. "But I-I already..."

She began to explain that since his first had failed they could get him scheduled for a new procedure. 

"No, not at this time," he finally said, unsure of what to even do right now. 

She was still talking, thanking him for his time or something of that nature, maybe telling him to call back when he was ready to make that appointment or about how the doctor would call back when he had a chance... something, and he slowly pulled the phone from his ear and ended the call. 

Lindsey raised an eyebrow after a few minutes of Angel just sitting there staring off into space passed. "So?" 

"There's apparently only a ninety nine point nine percent effectiveness with vasectomies," Angel muttered. "Only," he spat out.

"And yours is one of the few that failed?" Angel nodded and Lindsey laughed. "I'll take that apology at any damn time by the way."

"You fucking hid the fact that Buffy was pregnant for months!" Angel yelled back. 

"And you fucking got my best friend pregnant!" Lindsey countered. "And then accused me of being the one who knocked her up!" 

Angel felt like he was going to be sick again. "It still doesn't prove that I'm the one who actually got her pregnant," he said and did everything possible to not wince at his own words. It was set in stone as far as he was concerned that Buffy had cheated on him, that there was no way that the child growing inside of her could be his until doubt started slowly creeping in... and now with confirmation from that phone call that he was indeed quite able to bear children he was having a hard time believing what he had accused her of numerous times now.

In fact, it was almost like something inside of him started shifting to adamantly believing the complete opposite.

Lindsey sighed and stood up. "I'm not going to do this shit with you. Believe what you want to, Angel, but you know her better than that. Just because you're pissed off at her doesn't change who she was during your entire relationship." Then Lindsey threw his hands up in front of him. "If you're that concerned about it you could always have a DNA test done like you did for Connor after the baby is born. Or, you can choose to not know and just go about your damn life." 

Angel clenched his jaw as he watched Lindsey stomp off toward the kitchen. He growled and fought the urge to throw something else across this room again. He knew he needed to do or say something to make things right with Lindsey and wasn't off to a great start on that.

OoOoO

Angel sat outside in the parking lot of Buffy's apartment complex for over half an hour just staring at her door, still trying to process the turns his life had taken in the past few days. He'd planned on getting her address, storming over here, and shoving it in her damn face that he had proof that she had done him wrong and now he wasn't quite sure what he was supposed to do or what to say to her. 

No matter what he didn't expect it to go over well and he figured he might as well get it over with. So, with one more moment to try and gather himself together, Angel stepped outside the comfort of his car and slowly made his way to Buffy's door... ignoring the car of young women who'd yelled and whistled at him as he'd crossed the parking lot. 

Even from the outside Angel could easily take in some of the vast differences of his apartment compared to Buffy's. He knew she was never interested in him simply because of his money or the job he had, but it was still quite a difference of her living here in a cramped complex compared to the home they'd built, compared to his large, spaced out new residence... differences in her driving their SUV around compared to that fucking death trap sitting out front... 

Knocking on the door, he could even hear her as she moved around inside, her footsteps clearer as she came closer to the other side of the door. "Lindsey, I swear to God if that's you again..." 

"It's me," he cut her off. 

He stood with baited breath, expecting her to not answer or scream at him to go away or something along those lines, but finally the door opened and there she stood. She looked drained, sad, and uncomfortable. But fucking beautiful. 

And completely pissed off to see him standing at her door. 

"What do you want, Angel?" 

"Were you ever going to tell me?" 

She let out a shaky breath, her hand squeezing her already wobbley looking doorknob. "I don't know. I was absolutely against it, then Lindsey found out and then it was like I kept waiting for some magical moment where it'd seem right. I kept playing different scenarios in my head and I would think I was prepared for it... but I couldn't seem to even start to follow through." 

"Who's the father, Buffy?" 

Her eyes slowly hardened a little, her jaw setting, and she stood up straighter, crossing her arms over her chest as she stared back at him. "It. Doesn't. Matter."

"Who?" 

"No one you know, Angel."

He didn't know why exactly, but it was like in that moment he made the complete transformation from knowing with all he had in him that that baby wasn't his to being adamant that it in fact was. In that moment it was as if every doubt he had just vanished in a poof of smoke or something. Stepping one foot inside, Buffy backed up two. He came closer to her again and she backed away once more, looking like she was about to cry. 

"Angel, please leave."

He knew he probably should, but he couldn't, not yet. He stopped chasing her but he did ask her once more to please tell him. "I need to hear you say it," he added softly. 

A single tear finally fell down her cheek and she hurried to wipe it away. "What do you need me to say? Huh? Tell me who in the hell it is you want me to answer with and I will, okay?"

"I just want the truth."

"You don't believe the truth, Angel. It doesn't matter to a damn thing what I say to you and it never has."

Taking another hesitant step towards her, he was grateful when she didn't immediately step back away from him again. Instead she just stood there, as more silent tears began to run down her face, fighting the urge to take her in his arms, he stopped just short of touching her. "Fine, then tell me it's not mine," he demanded, his eyes falling from her face down to her rounded abdomen. 

She wasn't sure what was going on, or what had caused this shift inside of him. Why he suddenly seemed to believe so adamantly that this baby was his, when just a few nights ago he'd been threatening to beat every single male she'd ever known into a bloody pulp, viewing her pregnancy as proof of her infidelity. "I can't," she finally managed after struggling to find her voice. 

His eyes kept bouncing back and forth between her very obvious baby bump and her tear stained face. A part of him wanted so badly to reach out and touch her growing stomach, but honestly his head was still spinning, and he had to admit he still felt more than a little terrified about this entire situation. "I went to the doctor today," he told her, his voice softening even more. "I had this plan to come here, with proof that what you were saying was impossible, with proof that you had cheated on me." 

"And?" 

"And, apparently I'm that point zero one percent that the procedure failed on… go figure right. He who never intended on children suddenly has two," he laughed slightly, holding up his fingers.

Her heart squeezed in her chest, he looked so hopeless in that moment, she had to force herself not to feel sorry for him. "Well it doesn't have to be two Angel, as you can see I've been preparing to do this by myself. As soon as the baby is born you can sign your rights away, or we can just leave you off the birth certificate, it doesn't matter." 

Shock coursed through him, in the few minutes he'd been convinced that the baby was his, not one time had the thought of just abandoning his child crossed his mind. "How could you even say that Buffy?"

The smallest spark of anger flared inside her, but being that this was turning out to be the most civil they had been to one another in months, she tried her best to ignore it. "Geeze Angel, I don't know. Maybe the fact that you took drastic measures to ensure that you would never have a baby with me, or the fact that when your  _ surprise _ son showed up, you showed so little interest in him that I had to try my damndest to pick up YOUR fucking slack. I know what it's like to grow up with an absentee dad and you know that, I'd rather you just not be there at all then fucking come and go whenever it's a good fit for your schedule." 

Sighing, he pinched the bridge of his nose, the last fucking thing he wanted to do was get into another argument with her, especially right now. "Look, can we not talk about the past for five minutes. I didn't come here to fight." 

Crossing her arms back over her chest, resting them on top of her protruding stomach, she quirked a brow at him as if that was the craziest thing she had ever heard. "Fine, what do you want to talk about Angel?" 

Oh my god this fucking woman drove him absolutely insane sometimes. "Well I figured we could start with the obvious," he sighed, gesturing to her stomach. "You said you were twenty-five weeks, how long have you known?" He wasn't sure why but as soon as the question left his lips, he saw that icy stare return to her eyes that he'd become so accustomed too lately. 

This was so not a conversation she had envisioned herself having when she woke up this morning. "I found out the day you had me served with divorce papers Angel, I was on my way to tell you and then…" she trailed off not really knowing what else to say. 

"Then what you decided that because I wanted to divorce you, I wouldn't care about my kid, come on Buffy." 

Shaking her head, she stepped around him to go sit on the futon that she was currently using as a sofa. "Do you even remember calling me a whore, and accusing me of fucking, oh I don't know… all of Sunnydale three days ago? Cause I sure the hell do. That's why I didn't tell you Angel, just because I'm pregnant, it doesn't change anything. Can you honestly look me in the eyes and tell me you would have been thrilled with the news?" Not even giving him time to respond, she continued, "You know I wasn't even going to keep it, I was going to get an abortion because I knew it's what you would have wanted… then I don't know. I was looking up clinics, and the thought just occurred to me, that once again I was putting your wants and your needs above my own. So I thought the hell with this, I knew you'd had the vasectomy, but I also knew I hadn't been with anyone else, which meant that this baby had already defied a hell of a lot of odds by just existing. So instead of calling the abortion clinic, I called a midwife."

Angel swallowed thickly, she had him there. She was right, he was so angry when he'd filed for divorce and the weeks that followed, his reaction would have probably been a thousand times worse had he found out then. "Buffy I'm sorry, I was wrong to yell at you the way I did the other night, but given the circumstances I think I deserve a little bit of a break here… and hold on did you just say midwife?"

Rolling her eyes, he always fucking thought he deserved a break, that was their problem. He had a big case, so he deserved a break… His meeting today was stressful, he deserved a break… It was always fucking something. "Yes Angel," she sighed clearly frustrated. "A midwife, you know how much I hate hospitals, so I'm planning a home birth." 

His eyes went wide, he certainly was no expert on birth, but he was pretty sure there were millions of things that could go wrong. "What the hell do you mean a home birth, what if something happens, what if I don't know, what if you need a c-section or what if something's wrong with the baby…" he trailed off as his mind continued to turn in circles, shaking his head he continued, "You are not having my baby here.". 

Laughter erupted from her, "You're baby? I'm not having your baby here?" Standing back up, she walked back to where he was standing near her doorway, her finger already flying wildly at him, poking him in the chest as she spoke. "In case you haven't noticed Angel, you don't get a say in this. Like I said, this baby, _MY_ _PREGNANCY,_ changes nothing between us. Obviously I can't stop you from being a part of this child's life if that's what you really want, but that doesn't mean you get to be a part of mine, and you damn sure don't have the right to tell me where I can or can not give birth! You want to be involved," she continued, her voice only growing louder, "Then here's an update for you, _my_ baby is the size of a fucking eggplant this week, it weighs around two pounds, and it obviously inherited your fucking sleeping habits cause it keeps me up all damn night doing somersaults on my bladder. I'm not finding out the sex, so if your guilt or whatever gets the fucking best of you then I'd suggest you buy neutral. Now I'm going to ask you one more time to please, get the hell out of my house."

"Your 'house' is a shitty apartment," he snapped back. "And if that's how you're going to be right now then fuck you, there's nothing I need to stay here right now for. But I can promise you that this discussion isn't over. Just because it's your body, your pregnancy, or what the fuck ever doesn't mean I'm just going to sit back and just say 'Yes ma'am' to any fucking thing you want. It's my damn kid, too."

OoOoO

After he left, storming off out the front door, she slammed it shut and let out a frustrated breath of air before muttering out loud to the baby about how much of ass their dad was as she started power cleaning just to keep her hands busy. She had come home with intentions of just eating and crawling into bed because she'd had her first round of some of the parent-teacher meetings today and one couple in particular had just left her utterly drained. 

Then, there was Angel without any sort of warning... and she didn't even know what to do with him. 

She was pissed off he came here, that he wanted to act all high and mighty about everything all over again. She hated that it took a damn trip to a clinic for him to simply even consider the idea that he was the father. She'd not once ever been unfaithful to him nor had she ever given him any reason under the sun to think she would be... but no, he was a jealous ass by nature and whenever they were at odds it only made it worse apparently. There was also the fact he never wanted to see any faults in his own behavior, it was always someone else to blame, something else... so sometimes that's just where his mind took him on a journey to, all to avoid his own missteps. 

She hated that he dared to question why she might have thought he wouldn't want to be involved when she'd seen exactly how he'd acted around kids the entire time they were together, she saw firsthand how he was when Darla showed up and presented Connor to him. Yes, maybe they seemed to be in a better place the last she'd seen and from a few things she'd gathered up from around Lindsey but it wasn't always like that and she knew better than anyone else he would have taken the easy way out of all of that had it not been for her and a little bit of pushing from Lindsey's end as well. Now, he had no one to damn near force him into being involved so why wouldn't she expect him to just say a thank you to the heavens and move on? 

Especially when it was with her, when this child unfortunately was going to bind them in one another's lives for the rest of their lives? 

And that was exactly what neither of them wanted. But, it was the hand they were dealt so she figured she would get all her anger out the best she could now and work as hard as she could from this point on to just be as civil as she could manage, to not fall into a habit of bad mouthing Angel no matter how she felt about him to the baby - especially once he or she was born, and just figure this all out. She only wanted what was best for this tiny human growing inside of her and if that meant putting up with Angel she supposed she'd just have to learn to live with it.

It wasn't off to a good start however.


	5. Chapter Five

Angel paced around Lindsey's house, his hands doing all but tearing his hair out as his feet stomped. He'd been riding an anger high since storming out of Buffy's door and hadn't even come close to calming down for it all. 

"I take it things didn't go well?"

Angel growled, resisting the urge to grab whatever items he could from either side and just start smashing them against the walls, the ground, something. "She kept this whole fucking thing from me... and now is still shutting me the fuck out. I didn't expect it to be oh, everything's cool now, but for fuck's sake! She fucking goes off saying I don't have a say in anything when it's my damn baby in there, too. She's all I'm going to have this damn baby here, not at a hospital, I don't need a fucking doctor or medical team and there's nothing I can say about it?! She doesn't want to know the gender. What the fuck if I do? I haven't been able to know a damn thing for over six months! Maybe I want to fucking know, why in the hell does she get to just up and decide all this shit?"

"Not saying it's right, but she has been doing all of this on her own. She has been making all of the choices."

"Because there wasn't a damn option for me to, Lindsey!" 

"I know. That's what I'm saying... she's going to have to adjust to all of this too, and you're both going to have to learn how to calm down enough to be able to even discuss shit like this without ripping each others' heads off. There's going to be a lot you won't agree on, we all can see that from a mile away, but compromises are going to eventually have to be made. On both of your parts. All this shit isn't even about you or her."

Not even really listening, "Lawyers are going to have a fucking field day with this. Show her the fuck up, tell a goddamn judge she hide the whole fucking thing from me until now and see how that makes her look."

"Angel. Stop."

"Why? Why the fuck should I?" 

"Because I get it, you're mad, you even want to go after her, hurt her.. but again, this isn't about Buffy, it's not about you. It's about that baby. And she's going to need her baby and as pissed off as you are you don't want to take a child away from her."

Angel just growled. He didn't want fucking logic right now. 

"How about instead of worrying about that, maybe start thinking about things you can control. Think about how you're going to tell Connor, think about what you really want with the rest of this pregnancy and want from Buffy, how you think things should be handled after the birth and after you two are actually divorced. Maybe figure out where you're going to set the baby up back at your place, get items you need..."

"I don't know what in the hell a baby needs!"

"Well, there's a good place to start, huh? Start researching and getting your learning on. You have a matter of weeks to get ready so you have some catch up to do. That's where you should focus that energy."

Suddenly, he felt woozy again. Buffy was already six months along, there was in fact only a matter of weeks until suddenly he was a father of another child. A newborn at that, his relationship with Connor had come miles from where they began, but he was seven when he first came into his life, and that had been a rocky transition to say the least. He had no idea what to do with a baby, hell he'd never even held one before. 

"Are we still going to the cabin next weekend for your birthday?" 

Lindsey looked up from his phone puzzled, "That's the plan, why?". 

"Well as you know that's my weekend with Connor, and I was kind of hoping you could help me tell him." 

Sighing Lindsey clicked his off phone, dropping it on the couch next to him. Now was as good of a time as any to break the news he supposed. "I don't know Angel, might be difficult to break to him with Buffy being there and all." 

The water that he'd been drinking instantly came spewing out of his mouth. "What the hell do you mean?" 

Ignoring his friends' dramatic outburst, Lindsey kicked his feet back up on the end of his sofa, picking his phone back up, he shrugged his shoulders. "We always go to the cabin," he muttered."It's like tradition." 

Walking over to his  _ friend _ , Angel reached down and plucked the stupid device from his fingers, "What the fuck Linds," he snapped angrily, "Tradition..seriously?".

Lindsey popped up from where he  _ had  _ been fucking relaxing, after the stress he'd endured these last few months thanks to these two and their bullshit, he was about to snap. Stepping up to Angel, he yanked his damn phone back out of his hands. "Yes mother fucker, tradition. As in something you do repeatedly, generally around the same time every year." Huffing, he flopped back down to his spot on the couch, fucker almost made him mess up his record on cut the rope. 

Hands on his hips, Angel stared up at the ceiling, why did he constantly feel like he was fighting a losing war. "We're in the middle of a god damn divorce Lindsey, do you really think going back there, to that place is such a good idea… for anyone?" 

That cabin held an infinite number of memories, it had been the first place he and Buffy had made love. It had been where he proposed, it had been where they celebrated Lindsey's birthday every single year that they'd known each other… but he certainly hadn't expected to be celebrating there this year, not after everything, and especially not with her. 

"Dude, you're having a fucking kid together. It's my birthday, and I don't want to feel like I'm betraying either one of you, it's not like you have to share a room," he groaned, beyond annoyed. "Besides fuck you asshole, you owe me. I had to tell my boss I got clubbed by the kid with a baseball bat playing outside… and like it or not, you two are going to have to learn how to be civil to one another. In case you haven't noticed It's not about you and her anymore, it's about that baby she's got inside of her, and whatever the hell it is, it deserves parents that at the very least can be in the same damn room." 

Angel plopped down on the other side of the couch, Lindsey was right about one thing, no matter what him and Buffy were going to have to find some sort of middle ground. The sooner the better, it still cut him up to see her upset, it always had, but she just absolutely refused to see anything except from her own point of view. "Have you even asked her about this little get together?" 

"Nope," he said, popping his lips together. 

"And you think she's going to be any more excited about this idea than I am?" 

Throwing his head back, he ran a hand through his dark tendrils,"I don't give a damn. I kept her little secret for months, lied to you, and then got accused of fucking someone who might as well be my sister, and punched in the god damn face. I dare her to tell me no," he huffed, returning his attention to his game. 

OoOoO

She should have known Lindsey was going to hold it over her head forever, she couldn't believe she actually fucking agreed to this. As she'd expected Angel had run straight to Lindsey's after their last argument, she'd gotten a ear full about how she was going to have to learn to let Angel be a part of this if she ever expected to get to a peaceful place with him. Apparently Angel was upset that she hadn't found out the gender, and had said something about her fascination with  _ archaic birth practices. _

Once again he had no idea what the hell he was talking about, that was the problem with lawyers, they always thought they knew everything. God forbid he actually research something before jumping to conclusions, she was the one that was going to be pushing another human being out of her body. Married or divorced, that should be her choice no matter what. Which was exactly what she'd told Lindsey, who had surprisingly agreed with her, though she was pretty sure that just had a lot to do with not wanting to discuss the process of birth any further… but as always Lindsey pressed on, and here she thought Switzerland was supposed to be silent, not playing both sides. 

He  _ suggested  _ that she should offer Angel the ability to find out the sex, he reminded her that if she still didn't want to know then she didn't have too, as if Angel could keep it a secret. At first she'd adamantly refused, why did he deserve anything from her. Then Lindsey had went into this whole spiel about putting the baby first, extending an olive branch… for a second there she'd wondered just when he'd become so level headed. 

So here she was, driving to this stupid cabin, for his stupid birthday, so stupid Angel could decide if he wanted to ruin one of the biggest most important surprises in her life. Because of course she needed to be the one to bow down and extend the first branch of peace, since she'd been the one to keep this from him for so long. No matter his initial reaction, the things he said, or how he just found it perfectly okay to waltz in her house once some fucking doctor proved her right, and then start ordering her around, and bashing her apartment. 

Driving down the old dirt road, she tried to keep the memories from all the other times she'd been here from creeping into her mind. This place was one of the last ones that hadn't been tainted by their loud arguments, the constant yelling and fighting. This was where they'd made love for the first time after a storm came through and destroyed their weak attempt at a bonfire. This was where he had asked her to be his wife over pancakes in bed, where all her dreams had seemed to come true, where she'd thought she'd never been happier in her life. And now it was going to be darkened by the disaster their lives had become, too. 

Lindsey's birthdays, and really any chance they had to all come out here to the middle of nowhere, had always seemed so peaceful, safe. It was like nothing could touch them here, they could just forget about all their other problems and just have fun, enjoy their lives like they never took the time to otherwise for a few days... and now it seemed all that was bound to be ruined. In no way whatsoever could she imagine how them being trapped in the same small space was going to be anything dealing with sunshine and happiness. 

OoOoO

Lindsey was already there waiting when she pulled up in the graveled driveway, and she was already grumbling under her breath as she stepped outside and he offered to help carry her bags inside. 

"Don't you start with me," Lindsey warned. Following him inside, he pointed to the first room to their left and said he figured since it had the bunk beds in it Angel and Connor could stay in there and she could have the one closest to the bathroom and at that Buffy paled. 

"Wait. Connor?"

"Oh, did I not tell you he was coming?" Lindsey pretended and Buffy groaned some more. This whole thing kept getting better and better. "Angel called me a bit ago and said they were running late, though."

Buffy rolled her eyes and continued up the two small steps then on to her room for the next few days. As Lindsey placed her bags down on the bed, Buffy pushed on the set of memories and emotions rushing toward her as she entered the room. At the look she must have had splayed across her face, Lindsey asked if she were okay then questioned if she wanted to switch rooms with him but she just shook her head. "It's fine," she managed to get out, doing her best to keep it together. 

Realizing she had left her phone back on the charger in the car, she headed back outside just in time to see the new arrivals pull in. She sighed, trying to ignore them as she got what she needed out of the car and had barely turned around before little arms were doing their best to hug her. 

"Oh, my gosh!" Connor cried out. "I haven't seen you in forever! I didn't know you were having a baby! How cool is that?" 

Buffy took in a deep breath, hugging him back some. "You look like you've grown a foot since I last saw you, kiddo." 

"Dad? Dad? Did you know Buffy was having a baby?" he yelled out and Buffy's panic eyes met Angel's annoyed ones from their distance away. "Is that why you don't live with us anymore?" Connor then asked, not even waiting for his dad to respond. "My mom says sometimes people break up and then go on to have new families with new people, kind of like when my dad got with you, then you two didn't work out and.."

Angel came closer, his fingers rubbing at the bridge of his nose. "This isn't quite how I planned for this to," Angel sighed out. "But Buffy's having a baby with me, Connor. She's going to have your little baby brother or sister in a few months."

Buffy tried to smile down at the young boy but his face was all wrinkled up. "A-are you okay?" she asked. "It's fine if you aren't right now, Connor. I know it's a lot to take in all at once," she tried to reassure him but he kept looking off all strangely for another few moments. 

"You had sex with my dad?" Connor finally asked. 

Buffy's eyes widened and she couldn't help but blush a little while Angel groaned loudly. Given she worked with kids all year round close to Connor's age she was used to a wide variety of strange, embarrassing questions or comments being made but it still had her cheeks burning. "Ummm..."

"My mom says you have a baby grow in your private area and your stomach if you had sex with someone. That's when a boy puts his-"

"Okay then!" Angel cut in. "Good to know the birds and the bees talk has been done," he groaned out. "Let's focus on another aspect of the situation please?"

Connor looked from one of them to the other, still processing and Buffy cringed a little as she imagined what might be going on in that head of his before he shrugged, smiled and hugged her again. "I hope it's a girl. I think it might be nice to have a little sister to protect. But a brother would be fun, too."

"Yeah?" Buffy breathed out. "I think you'll be an awesome big brother either way."

"Does this mean we all get to be a family again?" Connor asked next and the small bit of relief she'd been granted quickly vanished away again. 

She looked at Angel quickly again before hugging Connor closer to her. "You know what? I'm going to always consider you my family, kiddo. You're in my heart, even if we aren't the same blood and even if I don't get to see you as often. I still love and care about you.I only ever want you to be happy and healthy, to be loved and enjoy life around you... And you, and your dad, and the little one will of course be family. You will have as much time as possible with your new sibling and with your daddy, okay?"

Connor's head fell down a little and her heart strings tugged at how sad he suddenly looked. "But not all of us together?"

Buffy's hand rubbed up and down his back some. "Me and your daddy are still getting divorced, hun. We just happen to be having a baby together, too. But it's going to be okay."

He was silent for a long time before shrugging. "I guess so. I just really liked some of the stuff we all did together and I miss it. Like when you got us all dressed up and we went to the park and had pictures done, that was fun. Mom never had us do anything like that. Or when I would be at your house we would all sit together and have dinner at that big table you guys had, or we all went to the movies..." 

"You can still do all of that, Connor. You and your dad go fun places, you can still take family pictures and go on trips and all of those things, sweetheart."

"But not with you?" 

Buffy looked up at the strangely silent man just a few feet away, her eyes pleading with him for help here. 

"Yeah, Bud," Angel finally said, swallowing hard and coming closer to them. "Maybe we make it a full blown tradition, huh? We could get extras for your mom and maybe even Buffy of you two. There's plenty of things we can still do just the three of us, we can even start having dinner at the table again." Ever since he'd moved out the house, he had definitely taken up more of a bachelor lifestyle. Coming home to dinner on the table had become a thing of the past, being traded for whatever fast food was most readily available. Connor was a smart kid, he should have realized this was affecting him more than he realized. 

They all three jumped as Lindsey burst through the front of the house, arms opened wide. "Well I'll be damned, how's my favorite nephew?" 

Rolling his eyes, Angel groaned about his use of language, Connor seeming to forget all about the deep conversation he was just invested in, abandoned Buffy's arms to run into Lindsey's. Wrapping his arms tightly around the boy, he quickly shot his middle finger up at Angel behind Connor's back. When Buffy hadn't come back in, he peeked outside to see the three of them standing there, not wanting world war three to break out in front of the kid he had to think fast. "Come on you want to help me do the mashed potatoes," he told Connor, ushering him inside the house.

Both Buffy and Angel watched as they disappeared through the rickety screen door, before each of them returned their attention back to the other. No matter how pissed off he was at her, she still managed to take his breath away, every single time he saw her. 

"How are you," he finally managed, after drinking her in for just a second too long. "Sorry about that, I was going to tell him… I just, hell I don't know, but regardless I hadn't intended on it happening like that." 

Shrugging her shoulders, she took a tiny step back from him, "It's not a big deal, I mean it is, but as you know I'm not really in the position to blame you for not knowing how to tell someone."

"Ya, I guess you're not," he told her flatly, his eyes darkening as he watched her casually step away from him. He'd tried to convince Lindsey as to what a terrible fucking idea this was, this place, her, this baby, their divorce, it was like they were all in a fucking pressure cooker waiting to to explode. 

"Angel, wait," she pleaded as he too turned to go in the cabin, he paused his movements but didn't turn back around to face her, choosing instead to stare off in the other direction as he waited for her to speak, really not wanting to start this weekend off with an argument. Not here. 

"Look, I know you're angry," she finally began when he wouldn't turn around. "I'm fucking angry too, but at the end of the day how we treat each other is going to affect both Connor and this baby." Closing her eyes, she swallowed, her pride literally, as she continued. "I'm sorry for yelling at you the way I did the other day, I don't want our baby to ever witness its parents tearing each other down like that. Obviously I can't promise you that I'm never going to snap, cause you're the worlds greatest at pushing my buttons, but I want to try… to not fight I mean." 

She watched as his head fell forward slightly, then watched as he slowly turned back to face her, wearing that cocky smirk she remembered all too well. 

"World's greatest huh?"

Rolling her eyes, she was NOT going there with him. Pulling her old Van's door back open, she pulled out a white envelope from the console and held out in front of her. "For the sake of both our sanity I'm going to ignore that, but here, I want you to have this."

Angel eyed the envelope wearily, almost afraid of what could be inside. "Wh-what is it," he finally managed, his voice entirely too strained. 

Taking a deep breath, she forced herself to hold his gaze as she spoke. "Well, we happen to share the same best friend in case you haven't noticed, and he may have mentioned how upset you were about not really having any say in this… so consider this a peace offering." 

Taking a hesitant step towards her, he slowly took the envelope from her hands, eyeing it curiously. "Please don't open it, not right now cause in all honesty you have a shitty poker face, and I'll automatically know, and I've already made it this far, I just really really want to be surprised." 

"You mean this is…" 

Buffy nodded her head, "I went by the midwife's before heading out this morning. It's a picture, well I'm pretty sure she put all of the pictures in there for you, but it includes the sex of the baby in them." 

His eyes wide he wasn't sure what to say as he opened and closed his mouth a few times. He had expected the cold shoulder, the catty comments under her breath, what he hadn't expected was this. His heart squeezed in his chest, as a million different thoughts and emotions seemed to roll through him all at once. He couldn't even remember the last time she had apologized for anything, much less budged on something she'd set her mind too. "Buffy I'm sorry too, I shouldn't have lost--"

Holding up her hand to silence him, she shook just shook her head. "I don't need an apology Angel, I just need you to promise me that if you're going to be in this, you're in it, no matter what. Please don't walk away from our child sometime down the road, because of how much you hate me or whatever… Promise me that it will always have a Dad to call no matter what." 

He wished so badly that she would realize that was something he would never do. It was rocky with Connor, but look at them now, and this wasn't exactly some one night stand showing up with a seven year old kid. She was his wife, well for the time being anyways, and she was pregnant. The two situations couldn't possibly be more different, though he knew that conversation would just turn into a losing battle, sighing sadly he nodded his head. 

"I promise."

"Go-good," she whispered, nodding her head. "Well, I just came out here because I had forgotten my phone," she showed him, holding up her hand. "We should probably get in there before Lindsey goes into a full blown meltdown because we let the food get cold."

Angel stayed frozen in place, as he watched her pass him, making sure she kept ample space between them as she did. He wasn't sure why, but in that second it took every ounce of restraint not to reach and pull her into his arms. Sighing loudly once she had disappeared through the door, he dropped his head back for a second to look up to the sky, mouthing a silent "What the fuck," to the stars above him, before shaking his head and circling around his own vehicle to grab his and Connor's bags. 

Walking in the cabin himself, his eyes widened, mashed potatoes obviously forgotten, as he took in the sight of Connor's face turned, his ear pressed against Buffy's belly. Connor was carrying along a conversation with the baby growing inside of there as if it was something he'd been doing his entire life, like there wasn't even a surprise factor or time to adjust in his mind. Connor laughed as Buffy's stomach moved from tiny limbs, pulling his head away and replacing it with both of his small hands. "That's so weird!" he laughed. "Dad, come here, feel this!" 

Angel continued to stare for a moment too long then shook his head. "That's okay," he replied, sure the last thing he needed to do was try and touch his estranged wife who did everything possible to keep as much distance from him as possible. 

He hated how relieved Buffy looked when he declined. 

Truth be told he couldn't help but feel a little curious as to the various parts of the pregnancy she was going through and what he was missing out on, but there were lines he didn't think he would be crossing any time soon. That included putting his hands on her in any way, shape or form. 

Connor started firing questions out, asking if it hurt when the baby kicked, if he or she could hear him, if he could practice some of his books from school by reading to the baby, how long until he'd get to meet the baby... Angel half listened the best he could as he slipped into the room he'd be sharing with Connor. The bags plopped down in a large chair sitting in the corner before he decided to sit on the bottom bunk and stared at the envelope. 

He flipped it over, then over again, about a dozen times debating opening it or not before hiding it in the bottom of his bag. Now just didn't seem like a right time, and Buffy was right... she'd pick up on it if he found out... not only just standing outside in the gravel beside their cars but probably at any time during the next few days. He was already too damn clouded with everything going on, it could wait. 

She was being civil, the least he could do was try and do something nice in return he supposed. Being spiteful, endlessly angry, constantly fighting with one another wasn't going to help anything. Connor was here, there was a child about to enter the world and be thrust into the mess that was their lives, and they didn't need to make it more difficult than it already was.

Putting a few items away, he heard Lindsey yelling for him so gave up getting any more situated for now and went to go see if the food was done. He'd been too stressed over this whole trip that he hadn't even paused to eat anything today but it was catching up to him now.


	6. Chapter Six

As they all sat around and ate, Angel was pretty sure he'd never been more thankful for Connor being somewhere with him as he was right now. Buffy didn't harbor any ill will toward Connor, not that he really expected her to, and spoke to him as easy and carefree as she always had. Connor opted with sitting beside her at dinner and carried on with questioning her about the baby in ways he knew he couldn't, asking her about what she'd been doing in the past several months since they'd seen one another, how her students were doing, what she was busy teaching right now, and a million other things that gave him a little peek into her life. Not that he should care about half of it, but he found himself hanging on every word she happened to say. 

And, of course, she had a natural ability to ask him questions about what was going on with his life and in ways Angel had still been weary with. They'd come a long way since their first meeting but he still felt awkward at times asking about school or his friends... asking about how life was at home with his mom... the deeper issues anyway. 

Which was probably another reason as to why he hadn't fully grasped how the divorce was effecting Connor because he tried not to talk about Buffy much and for awhile there he remembered being snippy every time his son mentioned her. That was another sucker punch of guilt running through him. 

Buffy had a hard time adjusting to the idea of him having a son but she never let that on with Connor. She had rushed to make sure he had a space of his own in their house, she was always checking up on him despite the shit she got from Darla every single time, she got him new clothes and shoes, Connor would bring his homework over and ask for help and say his mom never really did it with him and sometimes he didn't understand it so just got in trouble for not doing it... She'd done exactly like he'd pointed out, she gave him things he hadn't had before. Family photos, big meals at the table together, game nights, movie nights.... Darla rarely took him out and about and so Buffy had tried to make sure they went somewhere - even if it was just the park up the road or shopping or something small - every time he was with them for a few days. And while he had tried to be the fun dad and make sure he got closer to his son... there was still a lot to be desired and right now that was a slap in the face. 

Even though Connor had Darla, he couldn't help but feel like he wished Buffy could continue to be Connor's mother, too. 

He knew that was too much to ask or hope for, but it was there. Connor deserved as many people loving him as possible and Buffy had been the first one out of anyone here to take on that role. 

OoOoO

Buffy smiled and laughed along with Connor as the baby really got wound up. She drank a glass of orange juice then sat him down to show him how excited the little one could get when they really wanted to. His little hands would reach for her, then pop away when the harder of the kicks would come through. "It's kind of creepy," Connor remarked and she laughed again. 

"It is a little bit," she agreed. If she thought too much about it she would get a weird chill down her spine the first few times she felt the baby move in there. "But I think it's also pretty neat."

He nodded. "Do you have a room for the baby when it comes?"

She nodded "It's still coming together but yeah."

"Dad, you could turn your office into a room for the baby... oh, oh... or I could split a room with the baby."

Angel seemed to swallow hard. "I haven't got all that figured out. But that could be a good idea."

Lindsey looked between the two of them. "Actually, that is a great idea. As is talking about what a baby might need. Angel here was feeling concern, he didn't know what all he would be needing to take care of an infant." 

Suddenly he was much less worried about fighting with Buffy all weekend, and more worried about going to blows with Lindsey. He wasn't sure what all Buffy had filled him in on before he got inside, but something told him it wasn't much. Lindsey had mentioned that she tended to be pretty tight lipped when it came to anything really regarding them lately. The last thing he needed was Lindsey stirring the fucking pot just as they'd gotten to some sort of truce. 

"Well you need the basics like a crib, probably a bouncer or swing, a carseat, bottles, pacifiers, but we probably won't even know what kind to buy until it's here." She tried not to be amused at the way Angel seemed to pale the more she continued to list. Her mind had drifted to thoughts of him preparing for a baby far too many times since her little discovery had been found out. Baby raising was probably the one area of his life, he didn't consider himself an expert on. "There's books you can get ya know, for like expectant fathers and stuff, they might help," she tried to reassure him. 

Angel nodded his head, muttering a quick thanks, before standing up to grab a beer from the fridge, wishing he'd made a point to stop at the liquor store before heading out of the city. This was too much, all of it. He was glad that for the moment at least he and Buffy were playing civil, but right now he wasn't sure which was worse, fighting with her, or watching her prance around right in front of him whilst still being a million miles away. 

It was this place, everywhere he fucking looked ghosts from their past were staring back at him. He didn't know how she was coping staying in that damn room, lord knows he wouldn't have been able too. Since the moment he stepped in the cabin, he'd purposely avoided even looking in the direction of the stairs. Not that, that was hard to accomplish with the distraction of her and Connor. He'd had to stop himself from reaching out and touching her more than once, especially when the baby got really going, and he could see the little jabs from his spot in the chair across from them. 

He needed to snap out of it, chugging the beer he'd just pulled out, he quickly tossed the bottle in the trash before getting another one. 

"You okay?" 

Spinning on his heel, he turned to find the green eyes of that voice staring at him from the entry to the kitchen. "If I told you no, would it matter?" 

Her eyes instantly fell from his, great, here he was snapping, fucking things all up again. "Buffy I'm sorry. You don't have to answer that, I'm just…" 

"Overwhelmed," she sighed, answering for him. As much as she'd tried to ignore his eyes on her all night, it just wasn't possible. When he'd finally had enough and stalked off into the kitchen, she and Lindsey had shared a knowing look between the two of him. He'd been just about to get up and go after him, when she'd spoken up, scootching Connor over so she could sit, and assuring him she would be right back. Lindsey was quick to raise a brow, but luckily kept his mouth shut, grabbing the remote, he plopped down next to Connor in an attempt to find something for them to watch. 

"To say the least, ya," he mumbled, leaning back against the counter top, his eyes boldly raking over her body. She'd followed him in here, not the other way around. 

She wasn't even sure why she had jumped up, in all honesty Linds could probably do a hell of a lot better than her in regards to cheering him up, but there was something about the way he looked, so completely lost, that had her needing to come after him. It was the same reason that had her slowly stepping closer toward him, not blind to the way his eyes followed her every move.

Stopping just next to him, she turned to mimic his same position, not knowing if she would make it through this conversation looking him in the eye. 

"It's this house," she whispered, her voice nearly cracking, "Or possibly the fact that you just found out you're having a baby with your soon to be ex wife," she chuckled lightly, in some attempt to break the tension. 

Apparently he didn't find her funny, but it at least earned her a turn of his head. "Geez, ya think?" 

"It's going to be okay," she tried to reassure him. "I mean it can't be this way forever right?" 

"God I hope not," he wasn't sure how he was supposed to handle this for three days, much less the rest of his life. This woman fucking made his blood boil, sometimes that made him want to strangle her, others it had him contemplating slamming her up against the wall, and reminding her just who the fuck she was married too. Though he knew they were way too beyond that these days. 

"I'm sorry about Connor, he's apparently really excited about this whole brother thing."

"Oh please. He's fine, it's cute, he's really going to be a great big brother," turning towards him, she couldn't help but tremble as she realized how little distance was between them. Shaking, she reached out a hand to steady herself against the counter, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of knowing the effect he still had on her. "So did you look in the envelope?"

He could feel the heat radiating off her body, he mentally read over the list in his head, reminding himself of every single reason they wouldn't work… no matter what he felt in the moment. 

"It's," he paused, eyebrows raised as if to question if she really wanted to know "Twins."

"Oh my god, you're such an asshole. I really thought you were about to spill," she pouted, her hands playfully pushing against his chest. 

The moment her hand touched him, he found himself damn near possessed. In a flash he was gripping her hips, pinning her against the edge of the counter top. It had been far too fucking long since he felt her body pressed up against his like this, as if they were both in a trance, neither of them spoke as they stared each other down, their heavy pants mingling in the bits of space between them. 

"Tell me not to kiss you Buffy."

She felt like she was going to die, she had followed him in here to make this better, and this certainly wasn't making things better… for anyone. Even still, her body knew his in a way that was indescribable, an electric pulse coursed through them, her skin felt as though it was humming between his arms. Squeezing her eyes closed, she whispered, "We can't," as her head dropped down to rest against his clavicle, but despite her words, her arms circled him, holding him tightly to her. 

In that moment Angel couldn't think of or remember a single reason as to why not, and he was about to tell her just that when Connor's voice called out from the living area. "Buffy? Since you're already in there could you make us some popcorn please?"

Both of them seemed to instantly return to reality once he spoke and Angel took several steps away from her before he made a bigger fool of himself. 

"Yeah, just a minute," Buffy called back out and he watched as she tried to get her own bearings back. He had to admit he enjoyed knowing he still had some effect on her despite everything. He suddenly wondered if that was more the reason behind why nearly anytime he had come close to her she stepped away, always acting as though she were afraid of him, or damn near panicking when he trapped her close. 

"There's a lot of emotions going on right now," she said softly, walking around to the other side of the counter. "And as it's been discussed, being here especially doesn't help any."

Angel clenched his jaw together then came to help her when she tried to reach the popcorn bags in one of the cabinets. She turned around and he couldn't do anything but stare at her and wonder how in the hell they even got here. 

Buffy swallowed hard. "Being in the cabin makes the past seem like it's right here with us, it's easier to get caught up in what once was. But we don't live there anymore. We also can't continue on as we have with the fighting and anger and completely ignoring one another. We just got to figure it all out, and eventually we will." 

He wasn't sure if she was saying any of this more to him or to herself. 

Angel nodded and stepped away again. He went over to the back door and went out the sliding door to get some fresh air out on the back deck. 

OoOoO

Buffy got the bag of microwavable popcorn going and took a few calming breaths, trying to ignore the fact that Angel was outside but still staring at her through the glass door. She couldn't believe she'd lost her damn mind like that, nearly making out with him or whoknewwhat might have happened. 

Shaking her head a little, she reminded herself of all the reasons why that couldn't happen. How he acted all the damn time, how he was divorcing her, how she was heartbroken enough once going through all of this and didn't need to repeat the whole act were a few key points. They were over, that was clear as day any other time... it shouldn't be so damn hard to keep her head on straight for the next couple of days. But still... she couldn't stop thinking of how her body tingled when he was near, how his eyes roamed over her, how his hands felt touching her again, what he'd said and how he nearly growled them out... 

But he had left her, long before she even got those damn papers. He had made his feelings toward her quite clear over the past several months, one little slip didn't change any of that. 

OoOoO

Angel had kept to himself the rest of the evening, doing his best to avoid being anywhere near Buffy the best that he could given the current situation. He knew tomorrow, as it was Lindsey's actual birthday, he of course would have a day of activities for them and it'd be a lot harder to stay away from her so he hoped he'd at least have a better head space by then. 

When he woke, he found Connor missing when he stood and stretched. Rubbing his yawning face he checked the time then opened the door to go see where the kid had run off to, probably just using the bathroom he hoped. As he stepped out of the room, he heard the familiar hearty laugh and followed it to the kitchen where he found Buffy and him in their pajamas. He stopped, the sight of Buffy in one of his old shirts and what looked like a new pair of fleece pants taking his breath away as she moved gracefully around the small space, the sun just starting to shine through and made her look as if she was glowing, all while instructing Connor as they measured and poured ingredients. 

He remained silent, just watching them and eavesdropping as they laughed, as Connor told her he missed getting to cook with her. Buffy's head turned slightly. "Don't you ever help your mom make dinner, or bake cookies? Remember we sent some recipes home with you and I showed you some simple ones so she could help."

Connor shrugged. "She always just tells me later, or she isn't interested. We don't really have big meals like I did with you and dad... and now I don't have them anywhere. Mom heats stuff up in the microwave or will pick something up from somewhere more lately, Dad always has us eat out." 

Buffy nodded. "Well, maybe that can be another thing that can change here soon. You should ask him some time, I'm sure he'd be happy to let you help out, and probably teach you all sorts of things."

Connor shrugged again. "Are you going to teach the baby how to cook?"

"Absolutely. Probably not for awhile though, babies aren't so great in the kitchen," she said and it made Connor laugh again.

"Are you going to have more babies?" 

Angel felt his stomach want to give out at the innocent question. 

"Um," Buffy started. "I don't know. Not for awhile if I do."

"I think you should. You're a good mom."

"Thank you," she said, pulling him into a quick hug. 

"And if you had more kids then the baby would have someone to play with."

"That is true. They'll have you though."

"But at my dad's and when I'm there. Maybe he will have more kids, too." 

"Yeah. Maybe," she agreed. 

He watched them for a few more moments before stepping into the room. "Hey, Con." Both his son and Buffy turned to look at him. "I hope you didn't wake Buffy up to make you French toast."

"I didn't," Connor promised. "I had to go to the bathroom and then she had to go pee too. Buffy said she has to pee a lot because the baby sits on her bladder. And then I told her I was hungry."

"You could have come and got me up."

Buffy waved him off. "It's okay," she said softly. "I didn't mind. I probably wouldn't have been able to fall asleep anyway." 

"Yeah! So we decided to start up a big birthday breakfast for Lindsey. Buffy said we couldn't give him his cake for breakfast so I got to choose some other stuff. We're going to have biscuits and gravy and French toast and eggs and bacon... and a bunch of other stuff."

"It sounds good."

"Do you wanna help?"

"Uhh..."

"I'm sure we could find something easy for him to do," Buffy half whispered. "How about you come do the gravy," she suggested a little louder. "It's easy, like boiling water easy," she giggled to Connor, shooting him a wink. 

For just a fraction of a second, she wasn't his wife, or pregnant, they weren't going through a divorce. She was just Buffy, his girl. Scenes of memories flashed before his eyes, memories of when he was the one to make her laugh like that, back when the soft whispers inside these walls belonged to them. Clearing his throat, he tried to pull himself out of his stupor, picking up one of the pots he stuck it under the faucet to fill with water. Smirking as another old memory came to mind, "Well, there was that one time I messed that up so badly the entire cabin nearly burnt to the ground," oh ya, he was going to hell. 

Beating the eggs for the french toast, her hands instantly froze at his words, her eyes cutting across to him, she could feel the blush creeping over her… what the hell was he thinking. 

"No way, what happened," Connor asked intrigued. 

She loved instant karma, raising her eyebrows, she turned back around to finish getting the toast prepped. Knowing, she couldn't turn around, or she was going to be in hysterics just from the look on Angel's face. Eyes wide he stared, mouth agape at his son, trying, she assumed, to think of some explanation of the top of his head. 

"I uhh fell asleep," Angel half choked, as he walked the pot over to the stove, trying his best to ignore Connors curious stare. 

The three of them had been fishing for hours, she had to pee, and Lindsey wasn't ready to leave, so Angel had offered to drive her back on one of the four wheelers. They hadn't been serious for very long, and back then they really hadn't been able to keep their hands off one another. She'd asked Angel to put some water on to boil for tea, as she ran into the bathroom. Which apparently he had, but he'd left a towel or something too close to the burner and hadn't noticed it catch fire . 

Just as she'd turned around to walk out the door, she was met with his broad chest, gripping her ass he lifted her off her feet, walking them back into the small bathroom he deposited her on the counter top… Lindsey had thankfully given up, and headed back not long after them, but when he got there not only was the kitchen damn near an inferno, he'd come busting in the bathroom on her and Angel mid-orgasm. Lindsey had yet to let either of them live that down either, well he hadn't really mentioned it since they split up, but it was his favorite running joke for a very long time. 

OoOoO

Stumbling down the stairs, drawn by the smell of french toast, he'd been expecting to find Buffy. What he hadn't been expecting was to step through the twilight zone, the seemingly happy family of three hadn't even noticed he was there. He watched a little shook as Angel playfully reached over and smeared a dash of flour down Buffy's cheek with his thumb. Connor hadn't seen it, too invested in flipping whatever she had him focused on, and Buffy had all but ignored him, other than a small glance in his direction… but he'd seen that shit.

"Well, what do we have going on in here," he exclaimed, as he walked over to rough a hand through Connor's hair. 

"Me, Buffy, and Dad are making you a birthday breakfast!" Connor smiled bouncing up and down on his toes. 

"Is that right," Lindsey asked, looking back and forth between the other two adults in the room. "Well by all means, don't let me interrupt." 

Grabbing a water from the fridge, he hopped up to sit on top of the little kitchen island as he watched them cook, silently wondering just what in the hell he was going to do with the two of them. 


	7. Chapter Seven

"What are we doing after breakfast," Connor asked as Buffy began making his plate. She was just about to respond that she wasn't sure, when she heard Lindsey bellow that they were going fishing from the living room… of course they were, it was all he ever wanted to do when they were here. 

"Fishing?" She heard Angel question as they all made their way to the table. "Can we get down to the pond without the four wheelers?" 

"Why wouldn't we take them?" Lindsey asked, clearly confused. 

"Ya Dad, you promised we were going to be able to ride them this weekend." 

It wasn't until she noticed him glancing at her that she realized what the issue was. "Oh, it's fine, it's not like Lindsey's going to be popping wheelies, or trying to throw me off while I'm pregnant," she sighed, waving him off. 

"You are not riding with Lindsey." 

There was the demanding tone she remembered all too well. Taking a deep breath and closing her eyes, she tried to find her inner zen before popping her eyes back open. "Umm, why not," she asked, trying to hide the strain in her voice. They were going on like a solid fourteen hours without arguing, plus she was not trying to have Connor be witness to any of their shit. 

"You're six months pregnant, I'm not putting both of your lives in his hands." Just like last night she wasn't sure how his words were supposed to make her feel. A part of her wanted to lash out at him, and ask him just when he started caring so much about their lives… but she'd held her tongue, barely. 

"Hey mother fucker, what's wrong with my hands?" 

Ignoring Lindsey's outburst, he turned his attention to Buffy. He could tell she was pissed, he wasn't trying to upset her, but she didn't need to be on a damn four wheeler in the first place. It wasn't too far, and they had driven it hundreds of times, but still he wasn't about to watch his wife and unborn child climb on the back of one of those things behind some other man… even if it was Lindsey. His mind going crazy with scenarios, it wasn't that he didn't trust Linds, but all it would take was too sharp of a turn to send her flying. 

"Ride with me. Please," he added softly. 

She nearly choked on her orange juice, this place was definitely getting to him. She was so used to him barking commands, she couldn't even recall the last time he'd asked her to do something, much less said please. "Okay," she whispered, trying to fight back a whole new onset of emotions. 

"Does this mean I get to ride with Uncle Lindsey," Connor yelped from next to Buffy. 

"You bet your a--."

"Language!" They'd both yelled at him in unison, causing Connor to giggle. 

"Can we go do three sixties in that field like you promised?"

Lindsey had been hyping up this cabin trip for months, he'd told him all about the giant bonfires they could make to roast s'mores, all about the pond where they could go fishing, maybe collect some tadpoles and other pond creatures to observe or do some science fun together, how there were trails all around the woods where they could do nature walks... Connor had never gotten to come out here with them and had seemed weary at first so he'd tried to ease his mind that it would be fun. He'd been coming out here nearly his whole life and some of his best childhood memories, let alone many others as he grew older,and hoped he could share that joy with the young one. 

He usually came out here more often during the year and would have loved to have had Angel and Connor out here earlier but shit was just all a mess with everything going on... he hadn't really felt up to it. The thought was there, motivation not so much. But his birthday had at least seemed like a good enough time to get out of that funk. 

"Absolutely, kid," he promised, then promised both "mom" and dad over there that he would be safe. "We'll have to find you some kind of helmet first though. That can be first on our list of things to do after we eat, huh? Then we can find you a helmet, get some bug spray on us, get our supplies to head out there okay?" 

Connor nodded, nearly bouncing in his seat. "I can't wait."

OoOoO

Connor smiled brightly as Angel double checked the old bicycle helmet on his head, and he bit down the urge to ask Buffy if she thought this was a good idea. "This is so cool!" Connor exclaimed, simply sitting on the four wheeler. 

Angel nodded, then looked over to Lindsey as he came out of the small cabin and started securing their supplies on. "Would you stop worrying?" Lindsey asked, rolling his eyes. "He's my damn nephew, it's not like I'm going to try and kill him."

"I know," he grumbled.

"Just relax. Worry about riding with Buffy instead, huh?" he joked. 

Angel groaned more. He was trying not to let his mind drift to that actually. But as they were about to head out he knew he couldn't avoid it much longer. 

He and Lindsey made sure the four wheelers were gassed up and able to start, Connor laughing loudly as the machine rumbled under him. When Buffy came out, she looked nervous, but doing her best to hide it. He still didn't like the idea of her on one of these but he knew he couldn't really say much about it, she'd do whatever the hell she wanted. He could just try and be there and make sure she and that baby in there were safe. 

Buffy came over and talked to Lindsey for a moment, then Connor, showing him different buttons and levers on the four wheeler. "You do exactly what Uncle Linds says, okay?" she asked and Connor nodded. "Are you excited?" came next and Connor nodded more. 

"I've never been fishing before, either. "

"Mmm, well, Lindsey's fishing sometimes leaves a lot to be desired but... but it should be interesting."

"I heard that!" Lindsey yelled from the porch where he was locking up. 

Buffy just shrugged and walked closer. "So..." 

"Do you want to drive? I doubt hanging off on the back is any safer than riding with him."

"I heard that, too! Mother fu-"

"Connor is right there!" Buffy said, swatting at him. "At some point you're going to learn when to watch your mouth, right?"

"Absolutely not," he promised, flashing her a smile and hopping on behind Connor. 

Buffy just shook her head, a hint of a smile on her lips. "You're so stupid," she told Lindsey. "And yeah, I can drive," she said, briefly meeting his eyes before looking away. A few moments later he held a hand out to help her get on and swallowed hard as he got on the back. He could feel her stiffen in front of him, and swallowed again. All of this was too fucking awkward.

His hands cautiously reached around her, then pulled back, before trying again. He knew he could hold on to the bars behind him but it just felt like extra security to be there... but it wasn't exactly his place either. 

It also didn't escape his mind that he'd been looking at her, unable to touch her for too long. He'd watched her hands always roaming that perfect curve her stomach had taken on, watched Connor and even Lindsey not even blink or hesitate as they would feel around for kicks or jabs and knew that wasn't his place. But maybe... maybe this would be his one chance at that. 

"It's okay," Buffy said softly but she still seemed to be uncomfortable as he held on to her. 

OoOoO

Buffy breathed out, walking away from Angel as soon as she was able. She did her best to smile at Connor as she walked by him as well and he went running off to his dad. There was too much him, in the cabin, being around, too damn close, touching her... it was all too much she thought. 

She knew he'd been trying to feel for the baby and not grope her but it didn't stop her body from tingling any. And her heart sunk a little because she'd barely been able to feel anything over the shaking and vibrations and lack of movement to begin with as they'd made their way closer to the water. She was pretty certain he hadn't been able to pick up on anything. 

"This is amazing!" Connor shouted, bringing her out of her thoughts. "Do you remember your first time out here, Dad?" 

Angel nodded a little, his eyes looking over the water. "Yeah. I remember."

"What about you Buffy?"

"Yeah, she came and gave me freakin' chicken pox!" Lindsey answered for her. "My first birthday that we spent out here and I invited some kids from the neighborhood and from school that I'd gotten to know and... that's what I got for it."

Buffy rolled her eyes. 

"Does your family still come out here too?"

Lindsey shrugged. "Not much. All us kids have keys to the place but we're all spread out everywhere now and I'm really the only one who comes out these days. My oldest sister did come out last year for a weekend, though."

"Do you miss them?" 

He shrugged again. "Sometimes I guess. But I got Buffy, and I got Angel."

"And me!" 

"And you," he agreed. "And I'd rather be spending my time with the lot of you than any of them to be honest."

OoOoO

Closing her eyes, Buffy just laid back and took in everything around her. The peacefulness around her, the sunshine on her face, the sounds of Connor still boasting about the fish he caught earlier and how he couldn't wait for another, Angel threatening to push Lindsey into the water over something or another, the birds, the frogs off in the distance... 

Lindsey hovering over her had her cracking one eye open. "Yes?"

"You okay? Pretty sure you were drifting off to sleep there."

She stretched a little. "I'm good," she replied, squinting from the sunlight. "What's up?" 

Taking a seat next to her, he watched Angel show Connor how to cast a line from across the pond. "Nothin." 

"Uh-huh… go ahead, spill. I'm listening." 

"Ehh, I just noticed how well you and Angel seem to be getting along," he told her bumping his shoulder into hers. 

She knew it was just a matter of time before he brought that up. "We're trying Linds," she sighed, as she too took in the sight of him and Connor across the lake. 

"Trying as in trying to fix whatever the hell it is that went wrong between the two of you?" 

"Lindsey," she groaned. He had always held out hope that they would find their way back to each other, she should have known he would be the first to jump back on that wagon. 

"What? Buffy you're like six months pregnant with his kid, are you really telling me there's no chance?"

Getting to her feet, she did not want to have this conversation right now. Not with Angel this close, not here, not at this place. "Can we please not do this right now, Linds." 

These two were stealing his fucking youth, both of them were as stubborn as the day was long. "It was just a question Buff, no need to get all huffy," he told her, getting back to his own feet. "Man, for two people who can't stand each other y'all sure do act a hell of a lot alike sometimes."

"What the hell are you talking about," she spat, her arms folded across her chest. 

Holding up his hands, he shook his head, "Nothing, we're not doing this remember," he mocked, turning her own words against her. 

OoOoO

Angel had been helping Connor, but his eyes kept drifting back to the blonde across the way. He wasn't used to being around her anymore, he wasn't used to seeing her smile. The end of their relationship had not been a happy one, she was clearly miserable, and he just hadn't been able to handle another day being the cause of her misery, but the girl sitting across the pond from him, wasn't the same girl he'd left crying all those months ago. That was his wife over there, and it fucking killed him to know it took him leaving for her to find that damn smile again. 

He watched as Lindsey approached her, then continued to watch as what seemed like an argument between the two of them played out. Great, all he needed was for those two to throw down out here in front of his son. "Hey Con, just keep holding it just like this," he instructed, guiding his small hands back around the reel. "I'm going to check on Buffy and Uncle Lindsey, I'll be right back." Connor too entranced with the idea of catching his next fish, simply nodded his head, completely oblivious to everything except his pole in the water. 

He hadn't heard what all was said as he only caught the tail end of their conversation, but he certainly had his guesses, especially if Lindsey tried to broach the same subject with her as he had with him...them. Shaking his head, they hadn't even noticed him approach, too busy glaring at one another to see him until he was basically standing between them. "What's going on," he questioned, his attention turning to Buffy. He was sure she had enough to deal with, she certainly didn't need to let Lindsey stress her out too. 

"Oh you know, just Lindsey being Lindsey," Buffy grumbled, annoyed that her peaceful afternoon was being ruined by him and his big fat mouth. 

"Ha! More like typical Buffy and her dramatic ass fits," Lindsey shouted, standing on his tiptoes to glare at her over Angel's shoulder. 

"You are such an ass." lt was just like him to spin this around on her. "Angel, will you take me back to the cabin?" 

Well of all the possible outcomes today could have brought, he definitely hadn't seen this one coming. He'd prepared himself for them to argue and fight, he wasn't however prepared to be the mediator… over a fight about him?

Slapping a hand over his face, Lindsey couldn't take it, he could not deal with a single second more of their shit. "Are you fucking kidding me? You're leaving? With him? He's the whole god damn reason we're arguing in case you forgot!"

Pushing on Angel's chest, she tried to step around him to get to Lindsey. Pregnant or not she was so about to kick his little country ass. 

"Buffy," Angel all but growled, grabbing onto her so she couldn't go after him. Pulling her closer to him, he leaned down so that he could whisper in her ear. "He's just being Lindsey, don't let him get you all worked up," lowering his voice even further, he added, "That's what I'm here for, remember?".

Electricity shot straight through her at his words, him and his damn innuendos. She'd been so caught up in Lindsey and his bullshit she hadn't even realized the position he held her in, his arms wrapped firmly around her waist, as though it was the most natural thing in the world. 

God he missed the fucking feel of her in his arms more than he would ever admit. The way her eyes had seemed to twinkle for just a flash of a second at his last words had him aching to kiss her for the second time this weekend. They were going on a whole minute here, and she still hadn't tried to push him away, he was pretty sure this was the most action he'd seen since he put the damn baby in there. 

"Jesus, you two were fucking made for each other," Lindsey shouted, stomping off towards the other side of the pond and his damn nephew. How in the hell was she going to get pissed at him for insinuating that maybe she should rethink things with Angel now that there was another damn human involved. No, that was just absolutely fucking absurd, but dear lord it was perfectly fine for her to be wrapped up in his god damn arms wasn't it. Neither one of them made a damn lick of sense. 

Buffy chewed on her bottom lip as she looked up at him from under her lashes. She wasn't exactly sure how she kept finding herself in this position, but it needed to stop. They needed to stop, all they were doing was trudging up feelings that didn't have any right existing anymore. She'd actually almost enjoyed his company for the last twenty-four hours, and that worried her far more than any damn argument they might have. 

He was fucking spellbound, he had no right, he knew that, and yet here he was. He tried to tell his hands to let her go, he tried to make his legs step away from her, but nothing was listening. He should have known after threatening to toss his ass in the water, he was going to go trotting off to her. He was used to Lindsey's antics, and honestly he wasn't really sure why she was letting herself get all worked up over him. Hell, she knew Linds better than anyone, better than him even. 

Her bottom lip started to quiver and he couldn't stop himself, pulling her as close to him as could be managed. He turned to try and shield anything from Connor in case he looked back and wondered why Buffy was upset or, god forbid, he did lose control of himself and tried to make some kind of move on her again. 

Buffy pressed her face into his chest, cursing the stupid tears coming to her eyes. 'Stupid ass hormones,' she yelled silently. 

"Lindsey's just..." Angel started in but Buffy shook her head. 

"It's stupid, all of it," she rushed out. "I didn't want to come this weekend. And it's worse in so many ways than I had even thought about. It's just a lot. There's the cabin, there's you, there's us trying to be civil and it's almost worse than when we were at one another's throats, memories are everywhere, there's Connor and he's just ripping my heart out because he got one hell of a short end of the stick in all of this, Lindsey's being a dick and only managing to make things harder to deal with and-"

"I know," he whispered. 

Buffy let out a deep breath and took a few steps out of his arms. "Can you still just take me back? Maybe some cooling off time would do us both some good."

"Yeah, I can do that," he told her and went to go make sure Lindsey was good with it but he flipped him off and told him to just go before he even got halfway over there. Angel rolled his eyes and just turned back to deal with Buffy. 

OoOoO

"Are you sure you're going to be okay? You know, here by yourself?" Angel asked lamely. 

"I'm by myself almost all the time, Angel. I think I'll live."

He ignored her bitchy tone for once and just nodded, waiting until she got her key in the door and stepped inside though before she heard him taking back off. Her entire body leaned back against the closed door and she closed her eyes. Maybe she had gone a little overboard with Lindsey but this entire time she felt like she was a volcano ready to blow and he knew exactly the right buttons to push, plus as she already told him... there was Angel and the mindfuck his presence was creating, Connor, all of it. The last thing she wanted to deal with was Lindsey's bullshit on top of it. 

Walking back toward the bathroom, she planned on a long, hot shower while the boys were away to maybe help her relax, a change of clean clothes, some time just to herself... and maybe when they came back and got ready their own selves maybe she'd be good to continue celebrating the jackass' birthday with some dinner, cake, presents and the whole lot. 

OoOoO

After they had managed to get through all but the final hoorah of Lindsey's birthday events, Angel offered to go ahead and take Connor outside to start the bonfire for s'mores and hot dogs to give Buffy and Lindsey a chance to talk. They had both seemed to simmer some and it was pretty obvious whatever they needed to say needed to be out there soon before everything went to hell again. 

Buffy sighed, taking a seat after watching the two figures head out from the cabin. "What you're doing isn't helping," she finally said, trying to keep her voice even and calm. 

"What are you going on about?"

"It doesn't help anything for you to get those dumbass looks on your face when you happen to see me and Angel not ripping one another's heads off for once. Asking, when you know better, if we are trying to work things out between us, fix what went wrong? Making snide comments about oh how we are so made for each other and all of it... it doesn't help, Linds. Things are hard enough without you pulling shit like that."

"Callin' it how I see it."

"Just because we are trying to learn how to get along, something you yourself have shoved down both of our throats I'm sure, doesn't change anything, Lindsey. Not really. Angel and I ended, we are over. We are very much separated, we are working on getting divorced and getting on with our lives."

"You're having a damn baby together. Things have drastically changed, Buf."

"And? Lots of people have decided they no longer want to be with someone they already have children with or they are about to have one with. It's not a fix. Just because I'm pregnant does not change that our marriage is long since over. It doesn't change much of anything."

"It could."

She shook her head. "None of the reasons as to why he and I fell apart have changed, not because of this baby or because of anything else. How would they? I was not perfect by any means in our marriage but from where I stood, Lindsey, I was alone. All the time, I was alone in everything and it was overwhelming. He put me on the back burner to everything... to his job, to you, to his friends, to anything that came up. And the higher he rose there at the office, the worse off he became because he knew everything and made me feel like I was stupid and useless. He went to such great lengths to not have children so he wouldn't wind up like his dad but the funny thing - besides him now having two - is he didn't need kids to even go there. He got wrapped up in money and power and whatever else all the same. I couldn't talk to him about anything, there was nothing wrong with him. Of course not. Everything was me, everything was somehow I must want to go be with someone else if I have so much issue with him. And I was miserable. And yet I wasn't even the one who left, he did. He left me. Like he always did, he was never there, he left me for anything all the time... this was just a new freaking way of doing so. So again, just because we aren't screaming at one another or whatever else... it doesn't mean oh, we should get back together. We're trying to be adults. We're trying to get through this weekend for you. We are trying to figure out how to be around one another without being assholes for the sake of Connor, to learn how to be better at all of this for when this baby is here. I can't dwell forever on the past, neither can he. Not the good anymore than the bad, either. Everything is about moving forward at this point." 

Lindsey closed his eyes, letting his head fall back to the top of the large sofa. "I get where you're coming from. You have no idea. But at the same time it's like neither one of you see it..." 

"There's nothing to see. I am sure it'd make your life a lot easier if-"

"Oh, no. This isn't about me. You two go on about the other like there's no one else that you despise more, yet as soon as y'all get around each other-well it's kinda like watching two fucking magnets, never knowing if you've got the damn sides lined up to repel or attract. I know everything that happened between the two of you, hell I witnessed most of it, and heard about the rest from both sides, Buffy. You think I want to see y'all work shit out for me??? No. I want y'all to figure this shit out because I can see it slowly fuckin' killing the both of you. I haven't seen either one of you as happy as you were in that kitchen this morning in a long damn time. You hang off each other's sentences, when he thinks no one's watching his eyes follow you like a damn hawk, and you're no fuckin' better at hiding it than he is. I know how he treated you, he knows how he treated you, but like you said -you were far from a perfect damn wife Buf- you have no idea the toll this divorce has taken on him, he's not the same person and neither are you. Now I'm not saying the two of you should just hop back into bed and call it a day, but what I am telling you is this, that fucking baby in there deserves to see its parents together. You and Angel, Buffy… years ago, back before everything went to shit - I didn't know love like that even existed."

Fighting back the tears, her eyes met his stare from across the room, "And what makes you think Angel wants to be married to me Linds? He is in the middle of divorcing me, and _taking_ _everything._ What, do you really want me to bring a baby into a marriage where I would be constantly wondering if my husband was just going to decide he'd had enough and walk out on me again? ‘Cause I'm sorry, but I can't do it, I won't. I know I should have told Angel about this baby sooner, but in all honesty with the way things are going, it kind of feels like I did the right thing. You're right, I love that man Lindsey, I love him more than I will ever love anyone else… but I'm not it for him. I bitched, and I nagged, and I picked fights, and I know I was probably a miserable person to live with at times, but that last year or so he was NEVER there. All I did was miss him, and now isn't much different except he's not there to break my heart on a daily basis. So please, I need you to be my best friend, I need you to stop this." Having lost the battle, she used the sleeve of her jacket to wipe at the tears that escaped, she hated crying so damn much and lately it seemed like that was all she had done. 

OoOoO

He hadn't meant to eavesdrop, but Connor had accidently left the Hershey's on the kitchen counter, not wanting to chance him running in there while Buffy and Lindsey were arguing, he'd told him to sit tight for just a second as he ran back across the yard and up the porch steps. His hand had been just about to turn the knob when he heard her voice say his name. He froze, unable to move, as he listened to her absolutely pour her fucking heart out to Lindsey. 

Not sure how to process everything he just heard, he turned back around as he quietly backed away from the rickety screen door. Stopping for a second once he was off the porch, he had to take a minute to get himself together. His ultimate failure in life was his marriage, hell it was one of his only failures. He was the lawyer he was because he didn't fail. He loved her so damn much, oh she infuriated him, but the last thing he ever wanted to do was hurt her, not like this. 

She was right though there for a while, before Connor, he had let the money and the power of his position get to his head. He hadn't realized it at the time, but he did remember all the nights she would call begging him to come home from the office, or asking him to skip out on guy's night with Lindsey, back then he'd just thought she was being needy, he had no clue she ever felt so alone, that she truly believed there could be anyone else for him. 

There was no question, married or divorced, his heart would always belong to her. 


	8. Chapter Eight

Glad that was over with, she yelled to Lindsey who'd run off to grab some extra hangers for s'mores, that she would meet him outside. Lindsey had still insisted that she was only looking at things from one point of view, but at least he had promised to stop trying to force her into something. It may not seem like much, but he was a lawyer, forcing their opinions on people was what they were good at. She just needed to survive until Monday, then she could fall apart. 

Spying the forgotten chocolate, she snatched the package off the counter as she stepped outside, the smell of burning wood instantly annihilating her senses. Walking down the steps, she'd nearly run smack dab into Angel's back. 

"Hey you, Connor forgot these," she asked, holding out the candies for him. 

He was sure that he probably looked like a deer caught in headlights, he'd been so engrossed in his own thoughts that he hadn't even heard her come outside. 

"Angel?"

Snapping himself back to reality, he reached out taking the chocolate from her, nodding his head. "I'm sorry."

She wasn't sure why, but that sounded like a pretty heavy apology for forgetting the chocolate. "Angel what's wrong?" 

"N-nothing," he told her, shaking his head. "I um, could you check on Connor for me real quick? I need to - I'll be right back." 

It was nearly pitch black without the porch light on, but she could almost swear she saw tears in his eyes, but that was crazy, it took a lot to break that man, she could count on one hand the number of times she'd seen him cry, and she was his wife. "Ya, of course."

She stood there for a second watching him walk back in the house, before turning to go find Connor, ignoring the voice inside her head screaming to go after him. 

OoOoO

"Hey kiddo," she smiled, taking a seat in one of the wooden chairs beside him. "You forgot the chocolates, your Dad has them, he'll be right back. I think he went to pee or something." 

"Have you ever made s'mores Buffy?" 

"Well ya, me, Lindsey, and your Dad used to make them all the time out here... come on, I'll show you."

Connor watched as she twisted open a wire hanger, and straightened it out. Opening the marshmallows for her, he took one out of the bag, and did as she said, sticking it on the end of the hanger. 

She gave him a quick speech about making sure to keep safe while doing all of this, then showed him how to hold it while eyeing the rest of the supplies just about a foot away to make sure all was ready to go when their marshmallows were finished. She couldn't help but keep peeking back toward the cabin, how Angel was acting just a few moments before still nagging at her. She didn't even know what happened or why he would have even been upset. 

OoOoO

Angel hoped to hell and back that neither Buffy or Connor would try coming back inside before he had a chance to get himself back together. He was slunk down to the floor, his backside pressing back against the heavy door as he wished for the impossible, to go back in time and make an endless list of different choices so they wouldn't be here right now. This fucking trip was wrecking him. He still hadn't even had time to wrap his head even around this whole pregnancy idea, and being here with her wasn't helping. Connor was breaking his heart, making him wish all the more that this wasn't how the rest of his life was destined to be.

"The fucking two of you," Lindsey whispered just loud enough for Angel to catch it, coming to a dead stop as soon as his eyes took in the sight of him doing everything possible not to completely lose it. "What in the hell happened now?"

Angel slowly shook his head. "Nothing," he answered before clearing his throat. He tried explaining about how he was coming back toward the house and hearing them before shrugging. "I just hate that she's so angry with me," he admitted. "Rightfully so, I get it, but I still hate it. I hate that she's hurting, that she has been for a long time now because of me. I fucking hate that things are the way they are with us. I don't know how we're supposed to raise a damn kid together and not fuck everything up in the process. I don't even know how to get through the rest of today, or this weekend, or... anything."

Lindsey sighed, stepping deeper into the room with him. "You both have been angry, awful, miserable damn people for too long. You both hurt each other, Angel, too. Nothing's completely one sided here. There's no use in sitting there beating yourself up over it right now."

"But it wouldn't have gotten to that point if I had listened to her in the first place or handled everything differently. Off the top of my head I can look back and pinpoint dozens of moments where I could have done something different. Should have done things differently. And I don't know why I didn't." That was half true anyway. Looking back he could see everything more clearly, but at the time... he knew was just living in his own damn head, worrying about himself above anything else, including them. 

"I wish I knew what I could say to make any of this better, Angel. To either damn one of you. Besides the obvious anyway... which neither of you want to hear a word of."

"Linds..."

"What? You're both stupid and stubborn and it's just  _ there _ , right in front of your damn faces that you obviously regret the past, that you both wish things had gone differently. It's clear on both of your fucking faces how you feel beyond all the doom and gloom about one another. You're going to be stuck in each other's lives forever any way with that baby, I don't get why you don't just stop the drama and work it out so you can be the family you're supposed to be. There's nothing stopping you all from getting your heads out of your asses and finally fixing this shit."

Angel shook his head again. "There's no fixing it, Linds." 

"Not if you don't try."

Angel wished it was that easy. He was sure it seemed like it was to Lindsey. Even with how close he was to both of them he was still an outsider on everything that happened. 

OoOoO

"Why don't you want to know?" was the first thing Angel could make out as he got closer to where Connor and Buffy were sitting together. 

Buffy shrugged. "I just think it'd be kind of the ultimate surprise I guess, to not know if you have a little girl or boy until they are placed in your arms and you get to see them for the first time." 

Angel swallowed, sharing a look with Buffy briefly before smiling over at Connor. 

"My mom always told me it was one of her favorite moments," Buffy finished. "I guess I want to create that for myself. It might not work out but that was my plan anyway." 

Connor held up his latest s'more. "These things are amazing," he said with a mouthful. His face was smeared with melted chocolate and marshmallow. "I've had about five of them already!" 

Buffy made a face. "Sorry," she mouthed and he smiled a little, assuring her it was okay. 

"Looks like I have some catching up to do, kid," Lindsey said with a big smile, taking a seat. 

"Do you want to have a s'mores eating contest?" Connor asked with wide eyes. 

"Absolutely!" Lindsey answered, getting his first ready to go. 

"Oh, for the love," Buffy rolled her eyes. "You're both going to be bouncing off the walls all night."

"Mmm, we should camp out in the living room after we're done and do a movie marathon." 

Connor nodded. "I like that plan!" 

OoOoO

Stepping out of her room to use the restroom, Buffy found the place finally quiet. When she'd bid the boys goodnight earlier unable to keep her eyes open any longer they were still hyped up taking a break from their movies and making homemade slime and dance parties and all about to try their hands at some rock band. 

More Lindsey and Connor, though. Angel had seemed to be drawn into himself the rest of the evening ever since they had that weird moment together before she started making s'mores with Connor. She'd also noticed him staring at her more than usual, not even trying to hide it or be sneaky about it. She didn't know what any of that was about. 

Deciding to go grab a drink of water, she peeked into the living room and found Lindsey and Connor crashed out in what looked like quite uncomfortable positions on the floor on top of the mountain of blankets and pillows. Shaking her head, she carefully made her way to the snoring little mini version of Angel and moved him off of the toys he'd crashed on top of and got him a blanket to cover up with. 

Brushing his bangs back, she laid a kiss on his forehead before struggling to stand back up without waking everyone up, or tripping over some of the mess they'd left in here. 

Quietly walking toward the kitchen, she got her a cold glass of water and sighed. Today had been long, way too emotional. She'd barely made it up the stairs earlier she was so exhausted, but as soon as her head hit the pillow, her brain seemed to go into overdrive. She'd laid there for the better part of the last two hours her mind replaying her and Lindsey's conversation. Then just when she'd finally been about to doze off the baby began its theatrics. 

She tried not to pay any attention to Angel's absence from the living room, or think about the fact that he was alone in his room. For some reason the idea of him being rooms away was a lot easier to deal with when she knew his son was in there with him. Especially since she'd been itching to check in on him ever since earlier. 

She wasn't sure how it happened, but the next thing she knew she was peeking through his half opened door. She could just make out the broad expanse of his back facing her through the dim light of the hallway. The baby continued to squirm inside her, and in that instant she made a split second decision, praying she wouldn't regret it later. 

Angel prayed for sleep to take him, he wasn't sure how much longer he could fight the urge to go crawling up those stairs. Hearing the door creak, he almost wanted to breathe a sigh of relief, at least Con being in there with him would help to keep him from making another bad decision. "Hey bud, I thought you were camping out with Uncle Lindsey." 

Crossing the short distance to the bunk bed, she nearly froze in place when he began speaking, having thought he was asleep. Hesitating for only a second, she didn't give herself time to think before raising his comforter and slipping into the small space behind him. Feeling him tense beside her, she scooted closer, all the while hoping for this decision not to blow up in her face. 

"Buffy," he half breathed, terrified that this was all in his imagination. 

Pressing up against his back, she nodded her head not trusting herself to speak just yet. Maybe Lindsey was onto something with the whole magnet theory, there definitely seemed to be some invisible force driving them together this weekend. As if the baby could read her thoughts, it shifted inside her, "Did you feel that," she whispered softly, her breath tickling his shoulder. 

Clenching his jaw, he fought at the emotions trying to invade him, he'd put her through enough this weekend, he was not going to lose control of himself again. Swallowing hard, he slowly turned around, shifting them so that she was tucked up against his chest. "I can feel it," he nearly choked, his eyes finally bouncing down to meet hers, as the little jabs of their reality pounded into his side. 

There were so many things that he wanted to say to her, but he knew they would make little difference now. Instead he pressed his lips to her forehead before leaning down to rest his head on top hers, breathing her in. He tried his best to ignore his body's response to her as her tiny fingers slid up to rest against his chest, but that was easier said than done, especially after all the emotions today. 

Ignoring every impulse he had, he tried to think of anything except his desire to guide her body across his own, he wanted nothing more than to feel her soft thighs wrapped around his own, to bury himself inside her hot depths, to make love to her until she couldn't remember the man he'd let himself become. Forcing those thoughts from his mind, he tried to focus on the only topic that seemed to be holding them together - the baby- as he used his free hand to press back against that perfect curve of her belly. 

"Do you really want to have the baby at home," he asked, breaking the silence between them. 

Tracing small invisible designs on his chest, she nodded, "You know how much I hate hospitals," she mumbled against him. 

"Ya but, what if something happens, Buffy? How are you supposed to give birth without a doctor, what if god forbid something goes wrong and you need a c-section… I know it's your decision, but please know that this one scares the absolute hell out of me." Nightmares of her and that baby dying had been plaguing his dreams ever since he left her house that night. 

"It's not as barbaric as it sounds Angel. I have a midwife who's been practicing for over fifteen years, and if something goes wrong she can have me at a hospital in a matter of minutes," she tried to assure him, wanting him to trust her with this decision. 

"Do you want me there?" 

His words hung heavy in the air surrounding them, she'd thought about that a lot since he found out about the baby. "Do you want to be?" 

There was nothing he wanted more, but he wasn't sure he could through something like witnessing the birth of their child with her, and then still be able to turn and walk back away. "I just want to do whatever makes you happy." 

"Well, we still have a little while to figure that part out," she sighed, growing more confused by the second. Most of the time it was easy to convince herself that she was better off without him, that she didn't miss him, but right now that wasn't possible. Not for the first time this weekend, she found herself wondering just what was going on in that head of his. 

"Ya, I guess we do," he whispered as his eyes drifted closed, his hold on her tightening in a silent plea for her to stay. 

"I should probably-" she began.

"Stay. Please, just let me hold you two tonight."

Tilting her head back, she eyed him warily for a moment, before giving up and relaxing back against him. Screw it, they could deal with the repercussions of their bad decisions tomorrow. She could be strong again then, tonight she just wanted to pretend everything was okay, to escape this hellish reality for just a few hours, just once she wanted to fall asleep pregnant in the arms of her husband. 

Fighting to stay awake for as long as possible, he relished in the feel of every little movement he felt between them. He was pretty sure he had replayed every single argument they ever had. Dissecting it, he picked a part every little thing they could have done differently. He probably went through a million different scenarios in his mind trying to think of any way that could have led them down a different path before sleep finally claimed him, and even then his dreams were filled with images of her dancing before him. 

OoOoO

Lindsey stretched across the mangled up pile of blankets and the other various items Connor had strewn across their makeshift pallet. Spying his little partner in crime, he groaned at the sight of him sleeping comfortably across the couch. 

Fucking little shit ditched him on the floor. 

Struggling to get to his feet, he cracked his back, stumbling around toys, he tried to make his way to the bathroom but froze when he passed the bedroom downstairs. Shaking his head, he wondered again just what in the hell he was supposed to do with them. Inching their door closed to give them a little extra privacy, and his head worrying about what would happen if Connor found them laying there together like that. That little boy sure had been through a whirlwind ride in just the time they'd gotten to know him and he sure was bound to be more confused about what was going on until the two of them got their act together Lindsey thought. 

Then again, he was sure the little tyke in there could help with the whole situation, too. 

Part of him felt like he should possibly stay out of it all, let them make bad choices one after another. He'd done his best to just be a shoulder to cry on, a person to vent to, through the majority of this. He'd tried talking sense into them a number of times, too, especially as this started to get more real... and then boom, Buffy was pregnant. But... but the bigger part of him couldn't seem to just sit back and let their relationship fully explode. It wasn't worth it. 

Especially not when there was about to a whole other person involved that they went and created against all odds. Not when he saw how they were together. Not with how much he knew about the damn both of them. 

Through all the bullshit, the good and the bad, they fucking deserved one another. Connor deserved his family back together, that little baby deserved them to be a family again, for those kids to grow up like they were meant to. 

And, if they didn't get this figured out before it was too late, he could only imagine the hell that would await all of them. Sooner or later they were both going to regret letting go of one another. 

OoOoO

As the first strands of consciousness began pulling at him, Angel rolled onto his side, fighting them away as he snuggled closer into the warm body beside him. 

Still mostly out of it, he didn't think, didn't really even know where he was, just acted on instinct as his lips pressed against the back of her neck, his hands pulling her closer, his very neglected manhood coming to life. As his hands began to roam, he started to hear his name being called. "Mm?" he mumbled. 

"Angel," she said louder. 

He suddenly stilled, reality floating back to him. His hands flew back away from her as his eyes opened. "Sorry." 

"It's okay," she told him softly,starting to sit up. 

"I was sleeping and-"

"It's okay, Angel. I know," she cut him off. Her head tilted back and she shot him a small smile. "I shouldn't have come in here last night anyway. I don't know what I was thinking."

"No, I'm glad you did." He swallowed and rubbed a hand down his face as she climbed out from the bed and straightened herself out a bit. "Buffy?" She looked back to him. "I am sorry. Not about last night... but for what happened with us. I shouldn't have accused you of sleeping with someone else, not when I found out you were pregnant or any other time when it was more without merit." 

She just shrugged and he sat up. 

"I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me. I kept taking on cases and projects, anytime someone asked me to do something for them or with them I jumped at it... except when it was you. And that wasn't right. When your mom got sick and through all of that... I should have been there," he told her and had to look away as she looked as though she was going to start crying. "I should have been there. I just... I was too much in my own head, I was only thinking about myself. And I mean, I just kept telling myself I wouldn't help anyway. Fuck, my mom took off to God knows where when she got tired of putting up with my dad so I didn't know what to do and thought avoiding it was my better choice. Then you were in a bad place and Darla showed up and..." 

"It is what it is, Angel. I appreciate the apology though," she told him. "And I'm sorry that I acted the way I did in the end, too. I was desperate for... something... and just handled everything ridiculously. Sometimes I think how much better off we would have been if we had called it quits earlier, but then again I wouldn't be pregnant then and I can't wish that away either."

Angel nodded slightly. 

"But anyway, I think I hear someone stirring out there so I guess we'd better get on with the day. We just gotta survive a handful of more hours together out here, I think it can be done."

"Yeah, I guess so."

"I'll try and make a list of some things you might want to look into getting for your place and get it to you before I head out. Maybe some book recommendations, information that might be handy, things like that as well. I'm sure it'll seem rather overwhelming and that there's so much to do but it'll be okay. Basics are really all that's needed, everything else is just extra, and most things are apparently supposed to come naturally I'm told. And if not, there is doctors to call and google and ways to figure it out."

"Thanks," he said softly, unsure of what he should do right now. 

"We can figure out the birth situation later, we have plenty of time still. And a schedule for beyond that. I'll be honest I've been avoiding it as I will try and grab a calendar and do different schedule ideas... weekends or one week one, one week off, or a million others and it makes my brain hurt right now. I'm sure we will figure it out down the line."

"This isn't what I wanted, Buffy."

She seemed to stiffen and he cringed at what he knew she must think. "Well, obviously."

"No. I don't mean that," he rushed to say. "I'm happy about the baby... confused, overwhelmed, many other things but I'm... I'm happy about it. I just mean this isn't how I would have chosen to go about having one."

Buffy softened a little after that. "Oh. Well, yeah. Me either. But we will make do with what we got, Angel."


	9. Chapter Nine

Closing the door behind her, Buffy stepped back out into the large living area and shook her head. It looked like a disaster in here last night and she didn't even have words to describe it in the sunlight. She turned to head for the bathroom when suddenly Lindsey came from the other side and gave her an all knowing look. "Don't start."

"You don't get to keep doing shit like this then hound me about thinking you two should just get back together."

"You don't even know what happened."

"I don't need details. You were wrapped up in damn bed together."

"Nothing happened, Lindsey."

"Maybe not clothes rippin' off of one another or some shit like that but obviously something happened."

Just then the door behind her opened to reveal a shirtless Angel, "Damnt Lindsey," he half growled, having heard him through the door. 

"What?" Lindsey barked right back at him, mother fucker wanted to come at him like he was the one out of line here.

Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath and slowly exhaled, the last thing this weekend needed was for him and Lindsey to throw down in front of Connor. "Give her a break, we were only talking." 

"Ya know, I talk a lot to both of your dumb asses, and funny enough not one time have we ever woke up spooning."

Angel just shook his head. Sometime he really needed to learn when to shut the fuck up. She was too fucking pregnant for all this, plus he didn't want her to be upset during the drive home later, he already hated the fact that she'd made it alone. "Where's Connor," he hissed through clenched teeth. 

"He's in the damn kitchen. He's making pancakes the way Mama Bear here showed him yesterday... I had to keep him busy somehow, I couldn't very well have him stumbling in here to see the two of you like that," he shrugged towards the bed.

As much as she fought it, she could feel the blush creeping up her cheeks. "Thanks." Lindsey was right, the last thing they needed was for Connor to see them in bed together and get any more confused. Feeling a bit like she was a teenager who just got caught by her parents, she looked between the two of them for a few seconds before turning back towards the bathroom, really needing to pee. 

Angel watched as she disappeared down the hall into the bathroom, before his eyes fell back to meet Lindseys again. "Look, say whatever you want to me, but could you please stop going after her about this." 

"Man I'm not trying to start anything with her, or you. I just think it's a little bit ridiculous that she nearly jumped my ass for suggesting y'all get back together yesterday, but neither of you see an issue crawling in bed together, most people don't want to cuddle their ex Angel." 

Hearing something fall to the ground in the kitchen, he just rolled his eyes as he went to go check on his son. He was well aware that they were so much more than just exes, he was just trying to prove himself right. Sometimes Lindsey forgot that he didn't have an audience, that he wasn't in a courtroom trying to prove his point. 

OoOoO

Despite their little confrontation in the hallway earlier, tensions between the three of them didn't seem to be so strained today. Well at least not between either of them and her, there was obviously something going on between the two of them, but she was trying to stay as far away from that as she could. She had enough to deal with, they could figure out their own drama.

Trying to get everything packed, the last thing she needed was to forget something here. Spinning around, she nearly jumped out of her skin at the sight of him standing in her doorway. "Jesus, Angel." 

"Sorry, I just wanted to make sure you didn't need help getting anything down the stairs, we're all just about loaded up." Forcing his eyes away from the bed that held some of their happiest memories, he stepped in the room, the envelope she'd given him held in his hands. "And I wanted to give you this back," he whispered softly, holding it out to her. 

"Why?" she asked, cautiously taking the envelope. 

"Because I'm an ass, I didn't know there was a reason behind you not wanting to find out, I didn't know that's what your mom had done, and I don't want to ruin it for you just because of my own selfish wants." 

They really needed to get out of here, this place was doing funky things to their heads, it wasn't like Angel to give up on something he wanted. Then again, she'd never heard him admit to being selfish either. "Are, are you sure?"

Nodding his head, he slowly moved his hands to cup her belly, "Ya," he breathed just loud enough for her to hear. 

Her mind was so muddled, this entire weekend had been nothing more than a giant emotional roller coaster. Between all of his apologies today, and Lindsey's normal prodding she didn't even know which way was up or down. Part of her wanted to step out of his reach, but after last night she couldn't really fault him. "It really does have your sleeping habits," she smiled softly, "Keeps me up half the damn night most of the time.". 

Rubbing across its expanse one last time, he forced his hands away from her and took a step back. Needing to put some space between them, before he made an ass of himself again by trying to make another move on her. "Will you ask your your doctor - or midwife, to take out the pictures that tell the sex? I'd still like to have the others, if that's okay with you." 

Her heart squeezed inside her chest, he just seemed so damn sad and she couldn't pinpoint why. Nodding her head, she took a couple steps towards him, standing on her tiptoes, she quickly threw her arms around his neck, and hugged him tightly. "Thank you," she whispered softly against him, beyond touched that he seemed to understand just how much this really meant to her. 

Wrapping his arms back around her body, he found himself not wanting to let her go. As much as he tried to push them from his mind he couldn't seem to shake everything he'd heard her confess to Lindsey yesterday. He'd been dreading spending this weekend with her ever since Lindsey told him about it, but now that it was coming to an end he found himself not wanting to let her go. Not wanting things to end on a bad note between them, he forced his arms to release her as he turned to grab her other suitcase from on top of the bed, needing something to keep his hands busy. 

"I have a sonogram scheduled for Thursday," she paused for a second, not entirely sure why she felt the need to share this with him. The less they were involved in one another's life the better, but on the same hand if she wanted him to be a part of their child's life she had to learn how to open up somehow. "You can come if you want, I mean it's at eleven so you'd probably have to duck out the office for a little bit, but…"

"I'll be there," he interrupted without hesitation. "Uh, where is there exactly?"

"I'll send you the address," she told him,"I mean if you've unblocked my number," she couldn't help but add with only a touch of sarcasm. 

Fighting the urge to reach out and brush the stray hair back that had fallen in her eyes, he chuckled lightly, "You haven't been blocked for a while Buffy, I'm sorry I even resorted to that, I was just pissed off and being a dick."

"It's fine. Probably kept me from some less than flattering moments I'm sure." Her mind jumped back in time to when he'd moved out and how she'd called hysterically over and over trying to beg him to come home, or otherwise just started yelling at him like some crazy woman. 

Walking over to her small backpack, she put the envelope back inside and pulled out a loose sheet of paper. "Here's that makeshift list. If there's anything you want or need to know or whatever you can always ask."

Angel took it from her, telling her thanks before she looked around the room again to make sure she had what she needed and led the way. She stopped in different rooms along the way before they made their way outside, earning a raised eyebrow from Lindsey.

Getting everything squared away in each of the vehicles, Buffy let out a deep breath and ran over to hug Lindsey. "I love you, thank you for the weekend. I hope you had a good birthday."

"It had its ups and downs," he drawled. 

"You get what you get and you don't throw a fit," she half sang and Lindsey rolled his eyes at her. 

"God! Yes, Mother." 

"Drive safe, okay? And I'll see you soon."

"Maybe we could all have dinner one night in the near future?"

She glared back at him before shoving his shoulder and turning to open her arms up for Connor. "It was so nice getting to see you, kiddo. Gosh, I swear you're growing up so fast."

Connor squeezed her tightly. "I'm going to miss you, Buffy."

"I'm going to miss you, too, Connor."

"Maybe if it's okay with you and Dad sometimes we could still talk?" he asked, his head tilting back some so he could look at her. "If I need help with homework or just want to talk? I could ask about the baby?"

Her heart hurt as she kissed the top of his head. "You can call me anytime you want, and we can talk about anything. I'll always be here for you. I'm sorry it's taken so long for us to get to see one another, maybe it won't be months again until next time, okay?"

"I hope not." 

She felt like she and Angel had said one goodbye upstairs back in the extra bedroom to the cabin but it didn't make it any easier to walk a few steps closer to him and know she was going back to her apartment and back to reality, back to living alone, back to not seeing him, back to navigating this new life without him. 

They awkwardly hugged again while Lindsey and Connor looked on before she pulled back and said she needed to get going. 

OoOoO

"Hey, Dad?" Connor finally spoke after about ten minutes of being on the road.

"Yeah, Bud?" 

"What do you hope Buffy is having? A boy or a girl?" 

"I'm not sure. Having one of each as they say would be interesting I guess. But... I could also see a lot of fun happening with another son, a house full of boys." 

Connor got quiet again for a few miles before Angel asked what was on his mind. "I feel sad about going home. I had a lot of fun with you this weekend. And I really liked getting to see Buffy plus Lindsey."

Angel's heart sunk a little as he glanced quickly over his shoulder at his son. "You miss her a lot, don't you?" At that Connor nodded. "I'm sorry, kid. I know this has been a lot for you to deal with, too. Maybe next time we get to hang out you can help me think of some more ways we can get ready for your new little brother and sister, okay? And you can think of some more things you miss about when we all lived together so we can try and do more of those if you want, too."

That seemed to cheer him up a little. 

When they arrived back at Darla's, he was grumbling more about how he had to go back to school in the morning than anything else. But he was excited and blurted out to his mom about Buffy being pregnant as soon as he got out of the car and she asked how their trip went. 

"Is that so?" Darla asked and Connor started talking a mile a minute about everything. When he was sent inside to get cleaned up, they said their goodbyes then he spent a few minutes talking with the blonde before heading back out.

OoOoO

Getting back to his apartment, Angel felt drained, crashing down on the couch as soon as he could get his legs to bring him over there. Leaning his head back, he tried to process the past few days, the past week, hell the past... forever. 

Looking around the place, he made a mental note that tomorrow after work he should get the makeshift dining room table cleared off, either that or get the one from the house. He'd thought about stopping by there to make sure everything was in order on his way back from Darla's but he didn't have it in him right now. He couldn't face those ghosts today. 

Pulling out the paper Buffy had given him back at the cabin, he looked it over and tried to imagine getting all of this and setting it up somewhere. His mind kept drifting back to the house, but he knew he couldn't stay there without Buffy. Connor was so into the idea of him sharing a room with the baby and he figured it was large enough to work but he'd have to see. He had a hard time imagining a baby being here, him taking care of it, not knowing what in the hell to do with such a thing. 

His eyes landed on some of the photos he'd managed to get up on the walls so far, staring at the infant face of his son. Darla had given him several large prints and some copies of various photos that Buffy had made into a couple of photo albums for him for the years he'd missed. He breathed out, wondering what it might have been like had he been in Connor's life earlier, or even known about him. Wondering how in the world he was going to take care of this new baby.

The fact that he'd need to play catch up and figure a lot of this out in a hurry didn't help calm his nerves any. 

Pulling out his phone, he started scrolling through some of the pictures he'd taken over the past couple of days, stuck on some that he'd snuck of Buffy, usually when she was off with Connor. He'd spent so much time trying to remember to be angry or ignore her and what was going on that when he let anything else in it felt like it was going to make the ground reach up, grab him, and swallow him whole. It was easier to be angry, to put all the blame on her. It wasn't right but it was easier. Now that he was forced to push those emotions to the side, he just felt so fucking empty. He'd been holding on to all of the pain and anger for so long, he nearly forgot how much it hurt to miss her. Before he found out she was pregnant it had been so easy to block out those feelings, to force himself forward through the process of this damn divorce, all the while telling himself he would never have to see her again. 

But now with the baby that plan had been blown to shit. Not only were they going to have to be a part of each other's life for the rest of their lives, they were going to have this little mini version of them running around, and he was quickly learning that the more he was around her, the more he seemed to regret nearly every decision he'd ever made. 

Making his way to his bedroom, he couldn't help but sigh. Nothing about it felt right, she was missing from fucking everything. For a split second when he'd woken up this morning, he'd been in such a deep sleep for once that he'd forgotten all about their divorce, about the last year of their life. Hell, he'd probably only been moments away from flipping her over and having his way with her, and even now hours later his cock still throbbed at the thought. Crawling into the bed, he flipped over onto his stomach as he pulled his phone back out. Scrolling through his list of contacts he pulled up her name, and just stared at it for the longest of time. 

Sure he wanted to call her, but he had no idea what he would say, she would probably just get upset, and honestly he didn't blame her. He had taken things too far this time, there was no going back. 

OoOoO 

Thankfully she made it home relatively quick, by the grace of god she'd missed most of the traffic which she was grateful for. She was mentally exhausted, all she wanted to do was crawl in bed and pretend like her heart wasn't fucking splintering with every mile. She wasn't even sure what had happened, she was fine when they all left the cabin, but as the city limits grew closer so did the cloud of reality hanging over her. 

She tried not to let her mind wonder to the what ifs, that was never a good place for her to be, but she couldn't help it. Pulling into her dank old apartments hadn't helped matters either, by the time she pulled into her assigned parking spot she gave up and sat in the car, completely letting herself go. She probably sat out there sobbing for the better part of an hour before garnering the strength to go inside, saying to hell with it and leaving all of her bags behind. 

Lying in bed she attempted to remind herself that what they were doing was for the best. That no matter how well they'd gotten along it didn't matter, they couldn't go back to the past, and despite the ache in her chest she never wanted to go back there. All that mattered now was this baby growing inside her, and she had to be strong for it. 

Scrolling through the contacts in her phone, she slid her finger down to the J's and selected  _ Jackass _ , smiling a little to herself, she still thought the name fit him, apologies or not. Typing out the address to her midwife's office, she was curious to see if he actually showed up. She was a little taken back this morning when he so readily agreed since it was during office hours, a part of her had still expected an automatic no. Regardless, there was still some time before Thursday got here, she wasn't exactly holding her breath, if he showed then good for him, and if he didn't, well then she wouldn't feel guilty about never inviting him again. 

OoOoO

Sitting inside the carwash, he watched through the dirty glass window as the SUV was pulled through. He was surprised to see a message from Buffy when he woke up the other day, having forgotten all about the fact that he didn't have the address for her appointment. That damn appointment couldn't be scheduled for a worse fucking time either, he'd basically had to get on his hands and knees to get Lindsey to agree to cover for him in court that day. The only reason he'd agreed at all, was because he'd finally broke down and told him what it was really for. He'd basically made him sign his life over, but he was going to do it. Thankfully, something told him missing that appointment might just unravel all the progress they made last weekend. 

He was going to make her take the damn car back whether she liked it or not, well he was going to try his damndest anyway. After seeing that old beat up van in the sunlight all weekend, the idea of her out driving around in it had him sick to his stomach, she couldn't very well drive their child around in something like that. The thing looked like it was about ready to lose a tire just sitting there, there was no way in hell it handled well. 

He just needed to figure out the best way to bring it up, he'd debated just dropping it back off at her apartment - another thing they were going to have to discuss. If she was dead set on giving birth at home, then he wanted it to be at their house, not some shabby ass apartment with paper thin walls. - but knowing her and how stubborn she was, she would just bring it right back to him. He'd also thought about driving it to her appointment tomorrow, but he didn't want to risk it pissing her off, that wasn't the time or the place. 

OoOoO

Slamming her hand down on the alarm, she grabbed her phone to check the time, not surprised when she saw a few unread texts from Angel. Ever since she sent him the address for today, he'd been coming up with one thing or another to ask her. It was annoying as hell, but a part of her found it a bit adorable, even though she would never admit to that in a million years. She figured once she told him there were books he could look into that he would have the entire collection waiting for him by the time he got home on Sunday. She hadn't been wrong, but what she hadn't expected was the endless stream of questions about this, that, or the other. Communicating with him daily was throwing her, luckily he'd kept everything strictly related to the baby which she appreciated, there was no way she could handle some heavy conversation about them, not yet, not with the weekend still so fresh in her mind. 

Looking over his messages, she breathed a small sigh of relief that one of them wasn't him telling her that he wasn't going to be able to make it today. It would be just like him to wait until the last minute to cancel, she was waiting for it. 

She spent the whole morning waiting for it to come, but it never did. In fact, as she pulled into the parking lot she was surprised to find Angel standing outside his car looking rather nervous. "Hey," she greeted as he walked over. "You came."

"Did you expect me not to?"

Buffy shrugged. "Pretty much."

Angel frowned a little. "I guess I deserve that," he told her. "I'll try my best to come to whatever appointments you want me to. I might need at least a day or so heads up though. If-if that's possible."

Buffy nodded at him. "That's very doable, Angel." 

OoOoO

Uncomfortable was the understatement of the year as Angel sat by and waited through the appointment. It started with the young lady behind the front desk oohing and ahhing at him, over Buffy having finally brought "Dad" in, then having Buffy try and awkwardly get out of that whole conversation. Then, there was sitting in the small waiting room area with a couple who were way too friendly and oversharing their life story. Then, the appointment itself where he felt completely out of place.

The looks he got, or at least were looks he was imagining getting, listening to Buffy answer questions about the baby and how she was doing, looking away as Buffy's shirt was lifted to expose her stomach then not really having much of a choice of looking over at her... Everything felt off. 

"You still don't want to know what you're having?" 

Buffy shook her head. Oh, and actually, I have some of the photos from last time... Angel decided he didn't want to know either but wanted to have the other photos if possible."

"Sure, I can sort through them after we're done. That's not a problem."

And then the next thing he knew he was looking at a black and white screen staring at the tiny little person he'd apparently made with her. It wasn't even a blob or close to one, no, he was certainly looking at a baby... You could make out all these little details... the nose, little lips... he stared with wide eyes as he watched him or her moving around. He let out a deep breath as he watched the little creature yawn, move its limbs about, as he watched and heard the tiny heartbeat. 

Seeing Buffy pregnant, doing his best to wrap his damn head around it, trying to image a tiny baby still in absolutely no way prepared him for this. It was like all the air in the room was being sucked out and slamming into him exactly how real all of this was. 

OoOoO

Angel held tightly on to the two envelopes as they walked back outside, his eyes squinting at the too bright sun attacking him. 

"Are you okay? You look like you haven't breathed since I got here."

"Yeah," he breathed out slowly. "That was just... a lot. That was amazing.. .and terrifyingly real."

Buffy chuckled a little. "That is very true," she agreed. "There's something about actually seeing them that always gets to me, too."

Scratching his head, he leaned against the large brick wall behind him and looked over at her. "Thank you for letting me come today."

"You're welcome, Angel. I'm glad you were here. I'm sure you need to be getting back though so..."

"Wait."

Buffy paused, her green eyes meeting his once again. 

"I don't want to fight with you, not after all of that especially..."

She looked at him wearily. "Okay..."

"But... Okay, I get you don't want to be at the hospital if you don't have to and I am trying to get on board with it... but, I mean.... you live in a very crowded apartment building. And no I'm not trying to down that and I'm sorry I was an ass when I came by and everything... but... having a baby there? I just keep picturing someone calling the police thinking you're being murdered."

Buffy actually laughed that time. "I will admit it's not ideal."

"What about the house?"

"I'm not having a baby in your house, Angel."

"It's not my house, it's  _ our  _ house."

"Pretty sure there's a lot of papers stating otherwise you could easily go get your hands on."

Angel sighed. "It's our house, and it's bigger, and quieter. It's owned so I mean... less to worry about. You could have those giant balls brought in or a pool thing if you want to do that, or whatever the hell else."

"Been doing your research?"

He shrugged. "A little." 

"The house is further away from the hospital."

"I know, but... it just seems like a better option, safer, less stressful? Will you at least think about it?"

"Yeah. I will and I'll let you know, okay?" 

Angel nodded his head, his eyes drifting to that stupid ass van she'd suited up with. 

"Don't start, I get enough from Lindsey.  _ It's fine _ ."

"It is not fine, Buffy. Please take the SUV back. It's safer, more reliable..."

"Angel, that is yours, I don't need it."

"I had the paperwork redone, all you have to really do is sign a new piece of paper. I have the title and all the documents you need to get it put in your name and you can just have it. Please?"

"I can get something else. I just... I needed something pretty much right then and there and my options were limited."

"Okay, well, they're not now. You don't need to get something else, just please take it back. You need it more than I do, you know that." 

Buffy sighed. "I don't want to take anything from you, Angel," she said softly. 

His chest tightened a little. "I know... I know.... But you're not... it doesn't even have to be for you, say it's for the baby."

"I don't need you to get me anything for the baby either," she replied, her tone a little harder. Fuck, the woman was stubborn as fucking ever. 

"You don't need anything from me or anyone else. I get it," he sighed out, not wanting to start something and knowing it was heading in that way. "I just want you to be safe and taken care of, Buffy," he added before muttering another thank you about letting him come and saying he had better be going. 

Buffy's eyes were burning into him as he walked passed her and back towards his car. "Fine," he barely heard her yell out. Turning, he looked back at her annoyed face. "Fine. Whatever. About the stupid car."

Leaning over his door, "You'll take it back?"

"Sure. Whatever."

He smiled at her before nodding and ducking inside before she could change her mind or he'd start mentioning something else and wind up really pushing his luck. 

OoOoO

Buffy was glad she'd taken the whole day off, first because the timing was weird for being halfway through her normal school day, but secondly of course due to having Angel come with her for the first time and having dealt with him again. She didn't think she'd been able to handle walking back into school and trying to act normal the rest of the day, he'd definitely surprised her, she'd give him that. 

She was glad he came though, as hard as it was, she wanted him to be a part of this now that he was in the know about everything. She just hated how awkward everything felt between them, it was like she became hyper aware of everything when he was around. Every movement, every word, Lindsey was right, she clung to everything, and she hated it. She hated how much he hurt her, she hated how fucking sad she felt falling asleep alone every night, she hated how much she wanted to reach out and grab his hand during the ultrasound. She hated that he'd convinced her to take the car. She hated that he wanted her to have the baby at their house, and she hated how much sense it really did make. She hated it all. 


	10. Chapter Ten

He had been on a high ever since he'd left the midwife's earlier, and since Lindsey was covering for him in court all day he didn't really have a need to go into the office. Which he was glad about, there was no way he would be able to get anything accomplished after all that. He still couldn't get over the image of his baby, their baby, wiggling on the screen. It was one hell of a dose of reality, and now more than ever he found himself feeling fiercely protective of his fiery wife. 

He was so fucking glad that she'd agreed to take the SUV back, but he was still going to worry about her being off and about all on her own no matter what vehicle she was in. If they were still together, he was pretty sure he wouldn't be allowing her out of his sight right now. The ball of anxiety swirling inside him was unlike anything he'd ever experienced before, and he didn't like it, not one bit. 

She still hadn't agreed to using their house for the birth, but she'd said she would think about it, and that was something. He still wasn't exactly sure how they would work that though, he didn't know if she would just want to stay there when the time got closer, or if she would want him or someone else to pick her up and take her there once she was in labor, everytime he tried to come up with all the possibilities his mind would start spinning. 

After stopping to grab something for lunch, he headed to Lindsey's to wait for him to get home, he was sure that he would want to hear the details after covering for him all day, and he wanted to show him some of the pictures he'd been given. Plus, he had an idea and he would need his help to pull it off. 

OoOoO

Not wanting to dwell on things she'd tried to make the rest of the day a good one, she always looked forward to the times she actually got to see the baby, and she didn't want to ruin the day by getting lost down some dark road in her own mind. She'd been doing pretty well until after dinner when her phone went off, she was becoming so used to seeing Angel's name on her screen - well the name she had given anyway - that she was a little taken back to see it was Lindsey who was texting her. 

He wanted her to come over for a game night tomorrow, but she could read between the lines, she would bet money she wasn't the only one he was inviting over for a round of monopoly. She'd been just about to decline his invitation when another text came through, telling her that " _ he said she could just pick up the car then." _ . 

She did not want to fall back into that habit, it was hard enough the first time around to know that her best friend of nearly all her life was preoccupied with her future ex-husband ninety percent of the time. She'd only barely begun to get over that sting, the last thing she wanted to do was go tearing open old wounds. Not now that things between her and Angel finally seemed like they were settling down, if only a little bit. The idea of seeing him didn't immediately thrust her into a sense of panic like before, but honestly she wasn't sure if that was a good or a bad thing, it was all still too damn confusing. 

BUT she did need to pick up the car, and if she did it at Lindsey's then he would have no excuse to show up at her apartment. A place that she needed to keep as Angel free as possible if she planned to have any sanity left at all, which was exactly why she was so damn hesitant to agree to have the baby at their home. Sure it made more sense, and he had a point, she'd thought more than once about what the neighbors might think while she was in labor. That house though, she wasn't sure she could venture back inside those four walls again. Especially not to birth their child, and then what, turn around and go back to her little two bedroom apartment? 

That was something she wasn't sure she was strong enough to handle, no matter how logical the idea sounded. Hearing her phone beep again, she glanced at it, smirking at Lindsey's series of question marks, she could tell he was annoyed at her lack of response. 

Somehow, between her brain and her fingers her response had morphed from "she had plans," to "I'm not staying the night." She wasn't sure why in the hell she was agreeing to this, she could already hear Lindsey now, going on about the same things he had all weekend. If she were being honest though, even though he drove her freaking insane with all of his pushing and prodding, she missed her friend. She missed game nights, she missed Sunday night dinners, she missed a lot and she just knew that she would end up moping around the house all night wondering what they were doing if she didn't go now. 

She could uber over there, play one game of monopoly, and bounce out before it even got dark. Easy Peasy. 

OoOoO

"She'll be here." He couldn't believe she agreed, he'd raised a brow at Angel's request, but asked her anyway then thrown in the little tidbit about Angel and the car before she could come with some smart ass reply about him trying to coerce them together. He wasn't coercing shit, not that he was above it, hell he'd been trying to come up with some idea all week to get them together, then walked in the door from work only to find Angel had already come up with his very own little plan. He was standing behind the facade that it was just so she could pick up the car, but if that was the damn case then why in the hell didn't he just tell her to come pick it up… why even bring up game night?

"So, do you wanna tell me what is really going on now? Or do I just jump to my own conclusions?"

Angel shrugged, brushing him off. "Don't know what you mean." Lindsey shot him an 'I know better than that' look. "What? I would just like for us to be a little more comfortable around each other. It's not the end of the world, nor is there anything more to it."

"Sure," Lindsey drawled out. 

"This is exactly the type of shit you've been pushing at me for months," Angel practically growled out. 

"Yeah, it very much is. And I got my ass nearly chewed out over it every single time, even for going to the cabin you acted like it was the worst thing that I could have ever asked you to do when it was brought up, and now you're just over here all hey invite Buffy over, let's do a game night again like the old days..." he trailed off. 

"You're right, okay," Angel finally said with a sigh. "For once in your life I might add, but okay, yeah.. Buffy and I do have to learn how to be around one another, more comfortable around each other for when it comes to the baby. We've talked about whether or not I'm going to be there when it is born, and where exactly she might have the baby... and with the way things are right now that just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen because everything is tense between us. We have to learn to exist in the same space at some point and maybe the sooner the better, okay? Hell, I was even thinking that if it were possible... when we have to start switching the kid off between us maybe we could do something like this, like everyone be together for a short while then we go our separate ways, like a drop off situation there in the process of it all without it seeming so... cold and awkward, like it usually is with Darla. And rather than having a war zone situation, I'd rather our child see that even though we aren't together, their parents can still get along."

Not for the first time, he wondered why of all the times Buffy had to go and find herself knocked up, why had it been when these two jackasses had managed to ruin everything they had built. Angel's little surgery there had failed and probably had been defective for some time, but nothing happened, not until they were all in this damn mess and that seemed ridiculous. "I am all for the two of you learning how to be friends again or whatever it is you are doing here but I sure in the hell wished it hadn't taken this damn long," he grumbled. 

OoOoO

Rolling her eyes at herself, Buffy finished throwing her hair up into a ponytail and stopped worrying about trying to make herself look perfect. She didn't know why she was even worrying about her hair or makeup or what to wear over there. It was Lindsey, and worse it was Angel. It wasn't like it mattered... and yet she felt nervous all day, the more as the day went on, as school let out for the weekend and then the hours seemed to speed by after that. 

Getting another "Are you still coming?" text, she rolled her eyes again. 

Throwing on some clothes she sent Lindsey a message back saying she was just waiting on her ride to come then ignored him as he went on about how he could have came and picked her up. "I'll be there in a few minutes. It's fine."

OoOoO

"Hey, Beautiful," Lindsey greeted, pulling her into a tight hug. "How's the little one? How was work? What's new?" he started shooting out. 

Buffy grumbled some noises for a moment. "For a four day week. three for me given yesterday, it felt way too long," she told him. "One of the kids threw a huge fit having to go back inside for recess, me and another one of the teachers wound up getting kicked. It was tons of fun."

"Is the baby okay?" 

Buffy waved him off. "Yeah, yeah... he kicked me in the thigh. For a small kid, too, he was strong. But yeah, other than that nothing really has happened since yesterday, Linds." They fell into easy small talk and she waved and smiled over at Angel who was hiding out in the kitchen when she first arrived before Lindsey announced they might as well get things started. "Okay," she breathed out, "but I can't stay long."

Even as openings to take her leave came and went, Buffy found herself having a hard time pulling herself away. As awkward as it was being here she couldn't deny it was actually nice, too. It was nice to spend time with her best friend, hell being around Angel as they all fell into laughter and were just bouncing from story to story managed to even feel close to the normal parts of her life she missed. 

As her heart started to feel heavy, that cloud of dread hovering more and more, she did start gathering up to head out, thanking Lindsey for the invite, the food, the company, then trying to thank Angel for the whole SUV situation being reversed. She still hated the idea of taking it from him, but on the other hand she knew it was smarter to have it than the van. She was sure it was another day or so away from breaking down on the side of the road or something. Even if she hated to admit that. She didn't get to finish however as his phone went off and by the ringtone alone she knew it was Connor. 

"Hey, Bud. It's a little late, everything okay?" Angel said, answering the video call and holding up a finger for her to just wait a moment.

"It's not a school night. And I had a homework question... mom said I could call you tonight or tomorrow or whatever. I have to do a family tree."

"A family tree?" Angel echoed and she could see color already draining from his face. 

"Yeah. Mom said she didn't know anyone so I'd have to ask you. And I figured I could get it done then not worry about it all weekend."

"Right..."

Buffy looked him over then held her hand out for the phone. He looked at her curiously but handed it over. "Hi, Connor!" 

"Buffy? Hi!" 

"Hey, sweetie. Your dad was just about to go help Uncle Lindsey with something, is it okay if I try and help?" she offered. She knew his family and life history was his least favorite subject in the world. Finding her seat again, "Okay, can you let me see what we are working with?" 

Connor held the paper up for her. "I put a star in the corner if the person died. It has a spot for you, too, since you married my dad," he said, showing her again. 

Buffy let out a deep breath. "I think y-you should probably just leave that blank." 

"How come," he asked confused. 

Despite their current circumstances, his heart skipped a beat at the thought of her being left off his family tree. Popping up behind her he quickly told Connor that it was fine if he wanted to include Buffy, as he unconsciously reached around her to run his hand across her stomach. 

Trying her best to ignore his close proximity as he continued to stand far too close to her attempting to elicit some reaction from the baby, she began to help Connor fill out his family tree. They went through grandparent's names, great-grandparents, the couple of great aunts and uncles that she could remember, and a few of the distant cousins she'd heard of over the years. 

By the time they had finished spelling everything together, and he had as much filled out as they could manage nearly another hour had passed. In an effort to put some space back between herself and Angel, she had moved to one of the sofas in the living room. Except Angel apparently either hadn't gotten the memo, or chose to ignore it, as he'd followed close behind her, and was now resting with his head in her lap, his face turned toward the baby that was currently showing off its acrobatic skills. 

She hadn't even noticed that her fingers had begun to trail through his hair, until she went to hand his phone back over so that he could say goodnight to Con and saw that he was beginning to drift off.

"Wait, Buffy," she heard Connor yell through the phone, causing Angel's eyes to snap back open. 

"What's up Buddy," she asked, turning Angel's phone back towards her. 

"I was just wondering if you wanted to go to my soccer game next weekend, Uncle Lindsey said he wouldn't be able to make it, but he told me I should ask you." 

Cutting her eyes across to Lindsey's on the other couch, she fought at the urge to chunk Angel's phone at his head. "Oh did he," she asked, her focus still trained on the man in question. 

"Mmhmm, he said it might do you and my Dad some good to spend some time alone together, ya know, since I'll be on the field." 

Lindsey was never more grateful that she was currently being weighed down both by the child inside her, as well as Angel's big ass head laid across her. Even as it was he found himself inching up off the sofa in search of some reason to keep himself out of her line of sight. 

Angel could pretend to be asleep all he wanted, but she could feel the breath he held as though he too was waiting for her answer. "I don't know Con, sometimes Uncle Lindsey's ideas aren't always the best. Have you asked your Dad about this?" 

Fuck, he was really hoping that she was going to make it through this conversation without pinpointing him. "Uh-huh I asked him yesterday, he said we could call you when he picked me up on Friday. He told me he got to see the baby too, he said it was super neat, that the baby was awake and moving all around everywhere... I wish I got to see it too," he added sadly. 

Not for the first time, her heart broke for the kid, he deserved so much more than this fucking mess of a family. "Well your Dad has some pictures that you can see of the baby, and maybe we can work something out for you to see it too… regardless you're going to get to see the baby as soon as it's born," she promised. 

"Buffy," she heard him ask again softly. 

"Hmm?"

"Do you think if you and my Dad spend enough time together, you might decide not to get divorced?" Everything in her seemed to deflate as she registered what he was asking her, tears filled her eyes as she thought about what a fucking dead man Lindsey was. It was one thing to voice his own opinions or whatever else, it was another entirely when Connor started to catch wind of his fucking shenanigans. "I don't know Con," she sighed, fighting back tears. "But even if we do get divorced, like I told you, I'll still be here and be a part of your life for as long as you want me too." 

"Well I want you at my game, I've gotten really good, the coach even told me that I could start next weekend," he gleamed, excitedly. Completely unaware of the series of emotions, he'd just conjured within her. 

Shaking her head, sometimes the similarities between him and Angel were uncanny, the kid sure knew how to get what he wanted. "Then I guess I'll be there," she told him softly, glancing down at Angel whose eyes seemed to be burning through her. Finally saying her goodbyes, she handed the phone back off to Angel who still refused to get out of her lap. Instead he turned so that Connor could see her belly as he poked around at it and waited for the little one to start up again. 

She was glad they seemed to be heading in the right direction as far as getting along, but this was still so much harder than she ever thought possible. Just a week ago, they were standing awkwardly outside the cabin, and now he seemed to be perfectly content touching her whenever he pleased. Not that she minded exactly, but just as her hands were draped over him now, it was hard to know which boundaries were okay to cross. They had never been "friends" before, and even now that word left a bitter taste in her mouth when it was referenced to him. He'd been the center of her universe for so long, she wasn't sure how she was supposed to just sit on the side lines of his life as they moved on. 

She listened as Connor giggled through the phone when Angel really got the baby going, to the point he could see it through the screen. Then she listened as Angel promised to show him the pictures of the baby, and again when Connor excitedly relayed the information that she had agreed to come to his soccer game next Saturday. She didn't know what in the hell she was thinking, sure they had been alone during her appointment yesterday, well mostly anyway, and the couple of times at the cabin, but going to that soccer game meant really being alone with him. In a setting where they couldn't just close their eyes and drift off to sleep in order to avoid each other, no they were going to have to talk, and play happy in front of all the other kid's parents. 

Not for the first time she found herself wishing Darla would get her shit together, and be the mom that kid deserved. At least if she were going to the damn game she could act as a buffer, though she wasn't so sure how well she would react to Darla in such close quarters either if she were being honest. Jealousy had a way of getting ahold of her when that women was around, even though she knew Darla hadn't been anything more than a one night stand, a roll in the hay, and Angel hadn't shown a single sign of being interested in her.. it still drove her to madness to think about her or to be stuck around her at any given time. 

After hearing Angel and Connor say their goodbyes, she squirmed a little and told Angel that she did really need to be going. 

"Thank you... you know, for helping Connor out."

Buffy shrugged her shoulders. "Anytime. I figured that wasn't something you needed sprung on you, though fair warning I'd be preparing yourself for him to have more questions about everyone soon... especially if they keep talking about family histories in his class."

"Yeah, I guess so. Is it wrong that I wish I didn't have to, though? I feel like even talking about my parents will somehow taint him."

Buffy didn't even notice what she was doing until her fingers laced up with his. "He's just going to be curious about where he came from, about your life when you were younger. Probably more than some of the other kids given his own history and he's still even getting to know you. It's not going to hurt him to know their names or simple things like that, and you don't have to tell him anything that you don't want to."

Even with her trying to reassure him, he still looked sick to his stomach as he seemed to mull it all over. "It'll be alright. Keep it simple, and maybe he will save up all those questions for next weekend and I'll be there to at least try and cover some of them?" 

"You're really going to come to the game?"

"I did agree to do so to a small child and that's basically a blood oath. Which does remind me that I need to have a conversation with Lindsey.. wherever in the hell he's run off to."

Reluctantly, Angel sat up so she could stand and she got the chance to finish thanking him once more about the car being back as hers before she went to go chew Lindsey's ass out. 

OoOoO

"You can't do that."

"I can't do what?" Lindsey asked, half turning around. 

"You can't use Connor in this twisted game you have about thinking Angel and I are going to get back together, You can't put things in is head about that."

"Whoa, hey now. I wouldn't do anything to purposefully hurt that kid and you know it. He's sad, Buffy, Connor misses the hell out of you and probably more now than he did because he got to see you again and that he knows you're having his sibling. He misses at least one half of his family having their shit together."

"And I understand that, but you can't put it in his head that oh get mom and dad to spend more time together and maybe they'll work things out."

"I didn't! Or, at least I wasn't trying to. I told him about the game because he just had this goddamn look on his face that made me want to cry for the damn kid and he'd just gone off about you so it made sense. He has asked me if I thought there was some way for you two to be together again and I have told him that I don't really know."

Buffy sighed, taking a seat in one of the patio chairs. "Why is this all so damn hard?"

"I don't think divorce is meant to be easy."

"It is for plenty of people," she pouted. 

"I could very much choose to say something right now, but I'm going to keep my mouth shut before you throw a shoe or a rock or something at me. So, you coming to game night next week?"

"And you think I won't throw something at you for that question?"


	11. Chapter Eleven

The week seemed to fly by and before she knew it, Saturday morning came with a familiar knock on the door bright and early. She'd thought she'd have enough time to jump in the shower and get dressed and go wait for Angel and Connor to swing by outside but that apparently hadn't worked out. 

"Hey, Con," she said brightly, bending down some to hug him as he all but flung himself into her arms upon the door opening. 

"Is this your new house? Can I see? Where's the baby's room?" 

"Umm... yeah, sure," she told him and stepped back to let him and Angel in. She couldn't help but remember the last time Angel was here, nor how badly she wished to keep him out of this space. Giving them a quick tour, she smiled as Connor got excited in the nursery she'd set up. 

"This is so cool! Dad has stuff at his house now, too, that I got to see last night... but it's not set up and is just in boxes so that's not really fun."

"Probably not," she agreed. "Maybe you could help him get them out and put up somewhere?" she offered. 

"Yeah, I think that'll be a fun project." 

Seeing Angel's face fall a little as he looked around the room, she asked if they were ready to go. "I can grab my stuff real quick and we can head out so we aren't late."

"Sure! Are you bringing snacks?"

Buffy laughed. "Of course. I have a little cooler bag with some snacks and drinks. I actually have one of your water bottles to give back to you and your dad, I guess it got mixed up with some of my stuff when I moved."

OoOoO

As they drove out to the high school soccer field being used for today's games, Buffy couldn't help but think of how bizarre it was for her to be sitting in the car with her soon to be ex husband and soon to be former stepson and carrying on as if nothing was out of sorts at all. 

And the day only grew stranger as they walked together out to the field, joining the other families, Angel helping carry some of their items out before taking to a little clearing. They both wished Connor good luck before sending him off to join his coach and teammates before setting up the chairs brought along and Buffy laid a heavy picnic blanket out as well. 

And as awkward as the situation was, she couldn't help but notice how for whatever reason right now she didn't feel anxious to be around Angel, or any of the other normal feelings he seemed to conjure up inside of her. It almost felt normal being here for some reason. 

"He seems extra excited today."

Angel looked over and nodded. "Yeah, I guess his coach was really building today up so he was ready to go. I think you being here might have something to do with it too so thanks."

"I've missed watching him, seems like he's taller and looking so much older every time I see him. Including just the past few weeks."

"Makes me wonder how it'll be with Baby Number Two there," Angel told her, moving his hand to the curve of her stomach. "I already feel like I'm missing everything." 

Her heart dropped at his words, "You know it doesn't have to be the way you have things set up with Darla," she told him, her hand resting on top of his own. "I mean, you can see the baby whenever you want, despite the odds you've turned out to be a really great father." 

"You really think so?" 

Buffy smiled, "I know," she told him shrugging. 

Their conversation died out a bit as Connor took to the field, but his hands never did leave her. If his hand wasn't spread across her belly, then it was intertwined with hers. Even when they stood up to cheer as Connor scored a goal, his hands continued to roam around her hips, down her spine, and back around her stomach. She still wasn't sure how she was supposed to feel when it came to them, she still hadn't let herself process how exactly she felt about any of their personal stuff. She was happy that they weren't constantly tearing each others throats out, but she just didn't know what to think of this seemingly new and improved Angel. The Angel that put his son, and family first, the fucking one she always wanted him to be. In some ways she felt like they were falling back together, but she knew deep down that was just a facade, all they were doing was pushing all of their issues to the side for the sake of getting along, nothing more. Still though, knowing all of that didn't make her miss him any less, and it certainly didn't change the way her body went into hyperdrive whenever he was around. 

Once the game was finally over, she had Connors plate all ready for him as he came bounding over to the picnic blanket. 

"Dad, did you see that!? I scored two goals," he exclaimed excitedly as he came to a stop on his knees. 

Buffy watched the two of them as high fives were given, and listened, shaking her head when Connor went into some spiel about using strategies to win the game. For a child who'd only been a part of his life for a short period, some of the similarities the two of them shared were uncanny. When Angel leaned down and whispered in Connor's ear, she raised her brow, slightly worried about what the two of them could be scheming up together. 

"Buffy, do you want to go to Uncle Lindsey's tonight? We're supposed to be having a movie marathon, Dad said we could rent the new Avengers," he told her over a mouth full of food. 

Her eyes widened as she immediately turned her attention back to Angel, "Oh my god, you're as bad as Lindsey," she laughed, leaning over to shove at his shoulder. 

"Pleassssee, Buffy," Connor begged again. 

Sighing she looked between the two of them, "Ya know, I'm kinda feeling a little out numbered here." 

"Come on, Lindsey will be happy to see you." He knew that he was steam rolling into all sorts of grey area where they were concerned, but the absolute last thing he wanted to do was take her home right now. Besides it wasn't like he was asking her on a date, or to spend time alone with him, they were going to Lindsey's, it was no different than staying the night at the cabin. 

"Are you sure this is a good idea," she asked Angel, chewing her bottom lip. 

He just shrugged, "Do you want to go?" 

The truth was, as crazy as it sounded, she was rather enjoying spending time with them today. Even things between her and Angel seemed to be leveling out of that awkward stage they'd been stuck in since this whole mess started. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath and nodded her head, "As long as you promise me that you'll tell me if all this time together starts to be too much. The last thing I want is to start fighting again."

It was his turn to nod, "I think I can manage that." 

Connor let out a shout of pure joy as he jumped up and threw his arms around her neck. "Whoa, hey," Angel yelped, jumping from his seat. "Careful bud, a babys in there, remember."

She tried to tell him that it was fine, but he wasn't trying to hear it, as he continued to nudge Connor out of her lap. Which was okay, but then his hands seemed to get a mind of their own again as he sat on the picnic blanket next to her. 

He was finding it increasingly difficult to constantly come up with reasons not to touch her, and everytime he would realize what he was doing it was like a giant slap in the face. She hadn't said anything, not yet, but he could tell it was having an effect on her too, no matter how badly she tried to hide it. 

OoOoO

Back in the car, they had a few stops to make before heading to Lindsey's. Which she had absolutely no objections too, she could hear him already when he saw her pulling up with him and Connor, and after today that was the last conversation she wanted to have, but she was bracing herself for it nonetheless. 

Poking Angel's arm, she pointed in the rearview at Connor asleep in the backseat. "I'll stay in the car with him, while you run in." Apparently Lindsey helped Connor come up with a list of " _ essentials _ " for movie night, sometimes she wondered how he had any teeth left with all the sugar he fed the kid. 

Rushing through the store, he hurried to throw all the bullshit Lindsey had come up with into the basket. Normally he wouldn't let him get away with such nonsense - who the hell needs four different kinds of chocolate - but he figured Connor was going to be upset after taking Buffy home, so he'd let it slide. As a last thought, he grabbed a jar of peanut butter, and a bag of kit kats, and tossed them in the basket for Buffy, knowing it was her favorite. 

Thinking of how fast he must have run around that store, she watched as Angel came back across the parking lot. "That was quick," she told him once he got in the car, after putting the bags in the trunk. 

"Eh, it was a short list," he lied. 

Glancing in the rearview mirror again he looked to see if Connor was still sleeping before slipping his hand back around hers, acting as though it was the most normal thing in the world. He felt her tense, and for a split second he paused, ready to drop her hand, but the words she had been about to say died on her lips, when she turned back to look out the window. 

"Drop the smirk," she groaned, stealing a glance at him as she fought at her own smile. "You know you're going to have to keep these hands to yourself at Lindsey's right?" 

He couldn't believe that she was really calling him out like that, looking over, he shot her a quick wink, "I make no promises on that bit of business, but I suppose I can try my best to behave. Pretty sure neither of us need another night of being under his microscope."

Buffy just shook her head a little and continued looking out the window while he started making the trip back to Lindsey's.

OoOoO

"Buffy?" Lindsey greeted as she stepped out of the car, looking a little surprised. 

"Linds."

"Just what are you doing here?"

"Connor asked if I would come along for this little movie marathon thing you all have planned. Is that alright? Or do I need to figure out a way back home?"

Lindsey got a smirk on his face as he took another step toward the small blonde. "Oh, you know that I would never turn you away. I am just surprised to see you is all. I figured you would have had enough of your man over there and he you at this point. But I guess not."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Do you have to start already?" she asked as she walked past him and on into the house. 

"How was your game, Con?" Lindsey asked and his eyes widened as Connor not only told him about the game but also how he had seen Angel and Buffy cuddling the whole time outside the field as they watched him play. "Is that so?" 

Angel groaned as he gathered the bags from the trunk and started for the house as well. 

"Yeah, they almost kissed I think. They looked real happy."

"We did not almost kiss," Angel groaned some more. 

"Uh huh. I think I'm going to believe the young one over you on this."

"They were holding hands, too, when we pulled in. They thought I was asleep and that I didn't see it."

"Really now?" 

"I'm going inside," Angel muttered before anything else could be said. "Can we go start a movie and get on with our lives please?"

OoOoO

Sure that he wouldn't be able to keep his hands to himself, Angel had taken a seat in one of Lindsey's overstuffed chairs and let the three of them rest on the couch, Connor practically in Buffy's lap and she had her feet propped up on Lindsey's. He kept getting up to check his phone or laptop for updates on a case he was putting together, or to grab one snack after another and irritating her every time. Angel had an overwhelming want inside of him to sneak off and steal his spot one of the times Lindsey had gotten up but he knew that would only confuse everyone more. 

He really wasn't sure what in the hell was going on with him lately, especially today with this gravitational pull he felt toward Buffy. It was as though as soon as he started touching her, he couldn't seem to stop... an easy explanation of course was he wanted to feel the baby moving, catching up on time he had missed out on over the past several months, but if he was being honest with himself he knew it went much further than that. 

Ever since that damn trip to the cabin for Lindsey's birthday he'd found it next to impossible to keep his mind off of her, of how much he truly did miss her, how lonely life seemed without her there with him every day. Work kept him busy enough he supposed but he had cut back a lot since he'd left Buffy, he tried to make sure he wasn't being ran into the ground but he still pulled his weight, and he wanted to make sure he had as many weekends free as he could manage so he knew he would be free for Connor's time with him and free in the event Darla gave him some extra time or needed him to watch him while she pulled an extra shift herself or something.

When Connor wasn't there though, it was hard to just...  _ be _ . 

Then, Buffy was around and she was so laid back with Connor, it was almost as if nothing had ever happened, like things were how they were supposed to be... and he let himself get a little lost in the fantasy at times. He'd lace his fingers together with her or hold on to her without a second thought about it... and it was like the rest of the world could fade away. 

He wasn't sure whether or not it was going to hurt or help when they went right back to their separate ways, though. 

And he didn't know why in the hell she was letting him get away with any of it either. Part of him hoped she'd smack him and tell him to knock it off so he'd get a handle on himself, the other was elated over the whole thing. He was pretty sure right now was the most confusing time of his entire life, and that was saying a lot. 

OoOoO

After what felt like an endless round of superhero movies, way too many snack foods and a hint of dinner being sprinkled in there, Connor had finally fallen asleep and Buffy was yawning her own self. Between work, her emotional state, and the pregnancy staying up too late was becoming harder and harder by the day. 

"You want me to take you home?" Angel asked before she could start announcing her plans to head home or see about getting a ride back to the apartment. 

"You can let the kid sleep it off a while longer. I can watch him," Lindsey offered. 

Buffy felt a swarm of butterflies suddenly attack her insides. "I'm sure you've had more than enough of driving around with me for one day."

"It's not a big deal."

Lindsey smiled brightly. "Yeah, Buf. It's not a big deal."

"Fine," she muttered, tucking some loose strands of hair behind her ear before leaning down to kiss Connor's forehead and straighten the throw blanket over him. 

"I'll be back," Angel called over his shoulder as they were heading outside. 

"Hey, take your time you two. I'll be here. Waiting for details... but not too many because there's such things as too much information and all."

"Shut up," Buffy called, sticking her head back in for just a moment.

Climbing back into the passenger side of the car felt different this time, without Connor, after the weirdness that had been today. The fluttering inside of her reminded her of a time from many years ago, when they were first dating, and somehow right now reminded her of those drives back to her place before they had moved in together. The high from the day they'd had, the buzz of electricity she felt every time he would look at her or he would touch her, the anticipation of having to say goodnight and until next time... 

No matter how many times she tried to shove all of those feelings away, they wouldn't seem to budge far. She seemed to have a loop going through her brain trying to remind herself that none of this was real, none of it was right, that they were not together, but despite all that she still felt that swarming inside her. 

She was never more glad that her apartment was only a few minutes from Lindsey's. There was no telling what would come tumbling out of her mouth if she were forced to endure this for too much longer. Per usual, he seemed to be holding it together just fine right when she felt like she was about to fall apart. 

"What," he finally asked, the third time he caught her staring. 

"What are we doing," she asked, shifting in her seat so she could face him. 

His grip tightened on the steering wheel, "What do you mean, we're getting along." 

"Angel." 

Taking a deep breath he shook his head, "What? I don't really know what I'm supposed to say here," he stumbled. "Maybe I miss you." 

Rolling her eyes, she let out a small laugh as she shook her head, "I highly doubt that." 

Easing into one of the parking spots outside her building, he cut the engine before lying his head back to face her. "Can I ask you something?" 

Cocking her head, she desperately tried to fight off the blush that she knew was creeping over her cheeks, "What," she groaned. "And if it has anything to do with you not dropping me off, and leaving to go pick up your son, the answer is  _ No _ ." 

Chuckling he couldn't believe she really thought he would just ask her upstairs like that. "Why do you think I don't love you?" 

It was like her brain realized what he was going to say before he even got the words out, so much for their light hearted conversations. "I knew you heard me," she gasped, her eyes meeting his once again. Then she shrugged as she tried to think of how she could put it into words, "I didn't say that we were never in love, I said I wasn't it for you." 

It was one thing to over hear her saying that to Lindsey, it was another thing entirely for her to be sitting right next to him, saying it to his face. Out of his entire existence she was the only thing that ever mattered to him outside of Connor. The only reason he'd finally given up and left was because she seemed so miserable. No matter what he did, what he said, she was never happy. He knew that he lost himself in work there for a while, but he never fucking meant to hurt her. All he ever wanted to do was make sure that she was safe, that she was provided for. His job was miles away from low stress, and being as young as he was, he just couldn't fucking keep up. So when she would get upset that he had to work late, once he was able to leave the office the last place he wanted to go was home to fight with her. He'd go grab a beer with Lindsey or dinner with someone else from the office, but never not one time did he ever think what he was doing would eventually lead to this. 

Shaking his head, he reached out for her hand, "I love you Buffy. Separated, Divorced, whatever… that part doesn't change." 

These were the conversations that she'd been afraid of, diving into the hurricane that was their relationship had the tendency to leave her catatonic. "Angel," she began "We've had a great day, maybe we shouldn't end it like this." 

She wasn't sure if he was going to let it go or not, he just sat there staring back at her for so long that she was sure the moment she blinked, it would be like opening up the flood gates. Eventually, he must have come to some sort of internal decision, nodding his head, he opened his door and stepped out. Walking around he reached her door just as she'd pulled on the door handle. 

Carefully stepping out herself, she asked, "What are you doing?"

"Making sure you get inside, come on." 

She wanted to laugh at the absurdity of the situation. Just what exactly did he think she did every other night, she definitely didn't have anyone escorting her to and from her apartment, making sure she was safe. But somehow she managed to bite her tongue, no matter how hard he was trying to play it off, she could tell he was a little rattled by their talk too. "Thanks," she whispered as they reached the top of her stairs. 

He couldn't believe he said something so fucking stupid, but more than anything else he heard that night, the idea that she truly believed he could ever love someone the way that he loved her made his stomach churn. Still, she was right, they had a good day, and he couldn't help but think that he was ruining things all over again. 

Grabbing her arm, he spun her back around to face him in front of her door. "I'm sorry. You were right, we had a good day today, and I shouldn't have brought any of that up." 

Pinned between him and the door, she basically had to look up just to see him, and when she did, the sadness she saw looking back at her left a funny feeling inside her chest. "It's fine," she whispered, her hands gliding up beside his face, drawing him closer. 

She didn't know what was happening, her heart was thundering within her, it was like some other force had taken control of her body and all she could do was stand by and watch as it happened. Stepping on her tiptoes, she closed her eyes just as her lips touched his. 

He stood there frozen, not sure how to react, until he lost all train of thought and let instinct take over. Wrapping his arms around her, he closed the distance between them and the door, bracing her against it. His hands slowly roamed down her soft curves, grabbing handfuls of her supple flesh he pulled her more firmly against him. She tried to break away, but he just shook his head and went back to tasting her. She may have kissed him, but he'd be damned if he didn't take advantage of the opportunity, his body ignited, it had been entirely to fucking long since he felt this, felt her. 

In desperate need of air, she finally managed to break away. Gasping, she turned away to breathe, but apparently all that did was grant him access to her neck. She trembled with an uncontrollable need, she couldn't begin to count the number of times she'd gotten lost in this dream, this memory, this nightmare. Guiding him back over to her lips she kissed him one more time, "You need to go get Connor," she groaned out, even as her hands held him closer. 

"I know, I'm going," he told her between kisses. 

"Angel-," she began, but he shook his head. "Don't, whatever you're going to say, just don't. Not tonight, just let this keep being a good day. We can figure the rest out tomorrow. Please," he begged resting his head against her own. 

Cautiously, she nodded as she waited for him to release her. "One of us has to let go here," she whispered, though she hated the idea of him leaving right now.

"I know," he told her once more before their lips found one another again. All Angel could seem to think about was how fast he knew he could open that door behind her and make their way to the bedroom, now that he happened to know where it was, how badly he missed her in his arms, in his bed. 

Letting himself get lost in her for a few moments more, he finally pulled away, panting harshly as he stepped away from her. Knowing if he even tried to speak right now he'd only make things more complicated, he started back down to the car without another word. When he did finally glance up he saw the door just closing behind her, lights flicking on in her apartment. 

OoOoO

"Well, Angel... I gotta say... that's a nice shade of lipstick you're wearing," Lindsey commented, his eyes twinkling wickedly as he took in the disheveled vision of Angel in. 

Angel pressed his lips together, trying to hide the evidence of what happened with Buffy and trying to think of what in the hell he could even say to Lindsey to not make this seem like a big deal, or to make it make any kind of sense. "I... we..." he stumbled over the lack of words. 

"Uh huh," Lindsey smirked. "I sure do wish the two of you would stop acting like I'm stupid and don't see what's going on right in front of my face. More than that though, I wish the two of you would stop acting like your own selves are stupid and don't see what's going on, either. The more you two fight it, the more you're on my damn nerves! And it's all just more time that you're wasting away, and the worse off you're making things in the end."

Angel sighed. "I don't even know what's going on, Lindsey," he said, following behind him as they headed to the kitchen just in case Connor woke up and overheard them. The last thing he needed was to be confusing him more. 

Lindsey poured him a drink then leaned against the counter and took him in once more. "From where I'm standing..." Angel shook his head but Lindsey ignored that. "You all let everything get too damn out of control and then you acted in haste leaving Buffy, moving out of that house, filing those damn papers and it's coming back around to bite you in the ass. Because now, Angel, the two of you have even more to deal with than you bargained for."

"Well, yeah, I think all of that goes without saying, Linds," he said downing half his glass. "I didn't exactly plan on news of a surprise baby with her, with having to be around Buffy again like this, thinking about another kid from a broken home situation and all this shit."

"Or having to face the music about the fact you're still in love with the woman you're trying to divorce." Angel finished the other half. "And that maybe you regret what's happening."

Angel wanted to smack the smug look off of his face. "I am not saying that at all," he argued. "It just makes things more confusing."


	12. Chapter Twelve

After carrying his sleeping son up to his apartment and getting him settled in his bed, Angel sat on the edge of his small bed and just took in the sight. He couldn't believe he was blessed with this little boy sometimes. The timing, the situation, hell the mother wasn't the best... but he was grateful more than words could express for Connor coming into his life. 

It was hard to imagine life without him at this point. 

Connor had insisted pushing the boxed up crib he'd gotten into the room earlier, wanting to just "get an idea" about how it might look... even though it was still in the box and that helped absolutely nothing. He figured he would soon have to decide if he wanted to find somewhere more permanent to call home before unloading all of this... either in the third bedroom or doing as Connor hoped and splitting this one for the two of them. Connor was just so excited about everything and he had a hard time keeping that dreading feeling inside of him in check about some of these choices. Something about setting all of this up made his stomach want to sink in, rather than share in the excitement of picturing the baby here, being prepared and everything... instead it just made him sad. He couldn't be more ecstatic about the baby itself, but all of these things were just another reminder of his failures with Buffy, with what could have been their family. 

There was no question in his mind he would rather be back in their house with her than this. Hell, Connor's room back at the house was just sitting there perfect and now missing the boy. He knew exactly which room Buffy would have chosen to transform into a nursery, the Jack and Jill style to the two rooms would have been perfect for the kids.

He would rather be happy, having her in his arms every night, preparing for this properly. Together. 

His mind drifted back to seeing the nursery Buffy had set up in her little apartment. It had shocked him with how much being in that room had broke his heart. It had nothing to do with him, all of it just screamed how much she was moving on with her life in his mind in that moment. 

But then... well, the rest of the day had happened and he didn't know what side was up anymore. 

At some point he knew he and Buffy would have to have that dreaded talk and there was nothing he wanted to do less. This weird in between space they had found a couple of times now wasn't so bad. It certainly had some downfalls but at the same time it was nice to almost forget, to get a glimpse into what was, into what could have been. It was nice to close his eyes, hold her in his arms and act like the rest of the world didn't matter for a little while, to pretend like they weren't a disaster. 

Standing, he smiled down at the sleeping form of his son once more before walking back out of the room to head off to take a quick shower and get ready for his own turn to get some sleep. He planned on surprising Connor with a big breakfast in the morning and maybe letting him go baby shopping with him after that, thinking about how happy it'd make Connor to be able to choose a few items he wanted to get, and then see what else they could do in their time together before he'd have to take him back to Darla's. 

He smiled a little as his eyes closed, mentally picturing some way or another the kid would try to rope him into seeing Buffy. And if not today he was sure it wouldn't be long until either him or Lindsey came up with some reason or another to get them all together. Hell, after hearing the two of them earlier, it wouldn't surprise him to learn that two of them were in cahoots together. He hadn't thought Connor would be able to see them from the field today, he hadn't meant to give him any ideas, but he couldn't really say that he regretted it either. Feeling his phone go off in his pocket, he pulled it out and sighed when he saw her name on his screen, he wasn't sure what to expect when he opened the message, it was late and he didn't want to end this night in a heart break through text message. 

Holding his breath, he clicked her name, " _ You told Lindsey!?".  _ Rolling his eyes, he knew Lindsey would wind up saying something to her sooner or later, he just hadn't expected it to be tonight. Without much thought he tapped on her name again and put it up to his ear when it began to ring.

"You know between you and Linds, I'm not going to wake up until noon," she sighed in place of Hello. 

He smirked at the sound of her voice, it had been a while since they spoke on the phone. "It's late, I figured you were already asleep."

She groaned, "Well I would be except as soon as I got out of the shower and crawled into bed, your best friend started blowing me up." 

"My best friend," he chuckled, rolling onto his own bed. 

"Uh-huh. Tonight he is definitely your best friend," she huffed, shuffling around as she tried to get comfortable. 

"Well for the record, I didn't tell him anything… your damn lipstick did," he told her, his voice dropping a few octaves as the memory washed over him. 

She sighed again, "Did you get Connor home," she asked in an attempt to change the subject. Not quite ready for that conversation just yet. 

"Ya," he whispered, his eyes closing, "Well, back to the condo," he added. He'd come to the conclusion that this place would never be home. Home was that empty fucking house, that he couldn't seem to shake the memory of lately. Home was with her. 

"Angel," she questioned. 

"Hmm?" 

She squeezed her eyes shut, talking to him right now probably wasn't the smartest idea. Her thoughts, her emotions, they had been all over the place ever since he left, and Lindsey's series of calls and texts certainly hadn't helped . "Sometimes I think I miss you too," she finally whispered. 

His eyes popped open, as he let her words sink in. "Buffy," he warned. 

"Are divorces supposed to be this hard," she asked, her voice suddenly cracking. "Because I don't think so, no one ever talks about this part, no one tells you how hard this really is," she cried, losing the remnants of her control.

"Shh beautiful, please don't cry," he begged. This was the exact reason he'd cut her off earlier, why he hadn't wanted to have this conversation tonight. 

Wiping at her tears, she tried her best to clear her throat, "I'm not," she lied. 

He gave a little laugh, "You're a terrible liar." 

"I'm not crying," she insisted again, even as he heard her blow her nose. 

"I don't think divorces are ever easy," he finally answered. "But you throw in a surprise baby, and an overzealous best friend and you're bound to come out with one hell of a confusing situation." 

She actually laughed, "Mm. Don't forget the heartbreaking eight year old, who is getting far too good at laying on the guilt." 

It was his turn to chuckle, "Yes, can't forget him. Did you know he wasn't asleep in the car earlier, and he told Lindsey he saw us almost kiss at the soccer game." 

She groaned, "We have to be more careful, we don't need to confuse him like that." 

"I know," he sighed. "I'm just not used to this whole look but don't touch thing…I mean you are my wife." 

Swallowing thickly, it had been a long time since she heard him call her that. "Ex-wife," she corrected quietly, though even saying the word had her wanting to lose her stomach contents. 

"Not yet," he shot back, not really thinking. 

"Regardless," she told him, "We can't be fighting in the courtroom, and then all over each other at dinner. That's not fair to him, and you know it." 

Pinching the bridge of his nose, she was right, he knew that, still it didn't make any of this any easier. "So, let's stop fighting," he sighed, "It's not like you put up much of a fight to begin with, I kept expecting you to contest something, anything, but you just kept signing it all away." 

She rolled her eyes,"You're missing the point," she grumbled. "I think we're supposed to be fighting, I  _ don't _ think we're supposed to be kissing."

He kicked off his shoes and pants as he pulled back his comforter, "Ya, well I'll take kissing you over fighting any day," he mumbled, wondering exactly when it became this easy to talk to her. 

"You are impossible," she groaned yet again.

"Have you thought anymore about having the baby at the house," he asked. He'd wanted to ask her all day, but the timing just hadn't felt right, and he definitely didn't want her to feel like he was putting her on the spot. 

There was silence on the other end of the line for so long he pulled the phone away from his ear, to make sure that she hadn't hung up. He'd been just about to ask her if she was still there, when he finally heard her voice again. "I don't know if I could handle staying there alone again."

"You wouldn't have too," he whispered quietly. "I mean I could stay there too, I could use one of the guest rooms."

"You do realize how dysfunctional this sounds, right?" 

He cringed, "Not really, we're having a baby together. In all honesty I'd feel a lot better knowing you were under the same roof and not alone in some apartment." 

He had definitely lost his damn mind. "Angel we can't get a divorce  _ and _ move back in together. We're supposed to be working on not confusing Connor, remember?" 

Well he could easily tell her which of the two options he'd rather eliminate, but he held his tongue… barely. "It could just be temporary, until the baby gets a little older," he urged. Not even sure himself where this idea was coming from. "I mean, I'm not so sure I'd trust me alone with a newborn anyway." 

He couldn't be serious, "So not only do you want me to give birth at the house, you want both of us to move back in there-together… Oh I can only think of about a million things that could go wrong." 

"Like what," he questioned. "We would have separate rooms, and I think Connor would understand. I mean he's already having to deal with everything that's going on, something tells me getting to see you when he's at Dad's wouldn't exactly cause him any heartache.”

Buffy made some noises then sighed. "Look, I can maybe agree to and wrap my head kind of around the idea of having the baby at the house. Maybe closer to when he or she is due or if it starts to look like labor is coming then I could pack some essential items in a bag for a small stay or something... but there is no way we can just live together and raise the kids together but... apart. I just can't get on board with that."

"Why not?"

"Because I can't, Angel! Like I basically said before it just doesn't make sense, none of that does. We already seem to have trouble acting like we're supposed to be around one another and it isn't going to suddenly get easier if we're living together. It's confusing to go oh, well, we live together but we aren't together, we're raising our child together under the same roof all while we're going to court then coming back to the same house together... Have you been watching Friends or something?" she nearly squeaked out. "Angel, you will be fine with a baby, you will figure it out," she told him, biting back the urge to ask him if he had lost his fucking mind, or start getting mad at the idea that maybe he just wanted her back in the house so she could do every damn thing again and she wasn't going to put up with that mess. Not anymore. 

He sighed, he knew it was a crazy idea but he didn't care about that much. For tonight though, he sighed and let it go, telling himself they could discuss it more later if need be and switched to a less stressful line of conversation until he heard her yawn enough times to know he'd best get off the phone and let her get some sleep in.

He laid in bed for awhile after they got off the phone, his mind all over the place. 

He'd tried incredibly hard not to even entertain the idea of what if he dropped the case, what if they didn't actually follow through the divorce, what if he could actually salvage what they once had and what they could have but after the past few weeks it just couldn't seem to leave him alone. 

He knew he'd soon have to tell Graham something though, he was so prepared and pushing for him to make the final touches and get everything in front of a judge. Buffy had seemed bound and determined to go through the divorce despite the pregnancy but he knew he could use the fact of her being with child to halt it from being officially granted, at least for a couple more months. He could already see Graham loosing his mind, pulling some shit out of his ass like he had when he'd gone off ranting to Lindsey after confronting her about the baby but he didn't need any of that. In his heart he was sure they were too far gone to save so something could be figured out without being nasty to one another... he hoped. He could picture Graham telling him he needed to do a DNA test and a thousand other things, but despite the shitty words that had spewed out of his face at her... he knew who the baby belonged to once he settled down. Hell, even with Connor he'd known with one damn look at the kid that he was the father and yet had the test and regretted it since. He knew it meant that it made things legal with his and Darla's situation but it was a mess to think back to.

OoOoO

Angel cracked one eye open and tried to figure out what the hell the noise he was hearing was. Finally having to get up, he went to Connor's room and stared at the transformation it was in the midst of going through. "Hey, Con," he greeted questioning. "What's going on, Bud?"

Connor continued carrying some of his toys over to one side of his room. "I woke up and thought I could help out, clean up some space for the baby."

Angel rubbed his eyes, it was too early for this. "Con, I mean.. there is another whole room we could put the baby in. You don't have to mess your room up."

Connor stopped. "Is it a bad idea?" 

"No," he said slowly, "I just think maybe we should go over some stuff before you up and rearrange the house. I mean... a baby is a lot of work, they wake up, they cry, they need quiet time sometimes and I don't want you to be woken up all the time or unable to play."

Connor seemed to think about it. "What else?"

Angel yawned. "Mmm, how about I get some coffee in me, we start breakfast and we can talk about all this, okay? If you absolutely want to share a room we can make it happen but I want you to have a full scope of what to expect, okay?"

Connor shrugged then asked what they were having. "I can warm up some frozen pancakes if you want me to," he offered. 

"I was thinking we could make a good ol' fashioned Sunday morning breakfast actually. If that would be okay with you?"

The little boys' face lit up. "Yes! Yes! I'd love that! Here, I can go wash my hands and get started getting supplies! Can we make omelettes?"

"Sure, I mean... we can try," he offered as he followed Connor back out of the room. "I can't promise they will be edible. Or that they will stay together."

Connor laughed. "Well, practice makes perfect right?"

"That is what I've been told, let's see what happens I guess."

OoOoO

It didn't take long for the kitchen to look like a mess but he didn't care, the food was made, Connor looked happier than he ever had inside of these new walls. He couldn't help but look around and feel something missing, though. And it seemed Connor couldn't either, his face turning down a little as he finished half of his large plate of food. "Can I ask a question?" he asked and Angel nodded. "It's about you and Buffy."

Angel felt himself tense a little but told him to go on, that it was okay. 

"Y-you remember how you said you and Buffy had decided to not be together because you didn't get along anymore?" he asked and Angel already knew where he was heading. He'd already heard similar being thrown out there with Buffy the other week and after so much had been going on he was sure he didn't know which way was up either. "You two seem to be having fun together again... and Lindsey has said-"

Angel held up a hand, not sure he even wanted to know what Lindsey had been putting in his kids' head. "I get what you're asking, Con. I'm sure things are very confusing right now and I will be honest, I'm feeling confused my own self. I don't want to get your hopes up or anything, things between Buffy and I are complicated, and as much as I wish I could tell you different son, I just don't think you're going to get the ending you want." 

"But you kissed her." 

Groaning, he ran a hand over his face. "Let me guess, you weren't asleep?" 

Connor shook his head, a huge grin plastered across his face. 

Sighing again, Angel rolled his eyes, "You have got to stop doing that." 

"Well Uncle Lindsey said," he began again. 

"Uncle Lindsey told you to pretend you were asleep," Angel asked exasperated.

Connor shook his head again, "No, he just always says that the best things happen when kids close their eyes," he shrugged, "So you know, I thought I would try it out."

Angel groaned again, as he tried to think of just what to tell the kid, not believing he was about to have this conversation with his eight year old. "Look Con, just because we kissed, it doesn't change anything, Buffy still wants to get divorced," he paused not sure if he was trying to convince himself or his son. "I know this is hard to understand, but Buffy and I, well we were married for a long time, sometimes we just forget that we're not together anymore and do things like that." 

A strange look passed over his face as he tried to process what his Dad was saying. "Do you  _ forget  _ like that with my Mom too?" 

Angel's eyes went wide, "No," he told him firmly, shaking his head. "You know me and your mom were never married, we've talked about this." 

Connor nodded, "Ya I know," he sighed sadly, dropping his eyes down to the plate in front of him. 

Getting up from his seat, Angel circled the small table and took a seat next to him, using one of his hands to rub his back. "Hey bud, what's really going on?"

Wiping his eyes, it took him a second to look up at his Dad. "I just miss her," he sighed, his shoulders slumping forward. 

"Your Mom," Angel asked confused. "You know you can call her anytime you want."

He sighed again, "Not Mom Dad. I miss Buffy. I just wish we could all live together again."

Once again, his heart broke for his son. He knew how much he loved Buffy, hell it was clear as fucking day with the way he always attached himself to her. "I know buddy, I miss her sometimes too," he admitted. "But we just saw her yesterday Con, and she's already told you that you can call her. I know you went a while there without seeing her, but I'm hoping that wont happen again now that the baby's on the way." 

Using the back of his hands, he wiped at his eyes some more. "Do you think we could go to her house again before you take me home? Just for a quick visit?"

Angel rolled his eyes as Connor continued to stare at his plate, of fucking course. "I don't know Con, we can't just show up at her place like that."

Connor slumped forward for the second time, before straightening up and turning to face Angel, a smile once again on his face. "Well can we go back to Uncle Lindsey's?" 

It took him a few seconds, but he very hesitantly began to nod his head. "I'm sure we can manage that," he agreed, even though everything inside of him was screaming that there was something else behind that simple request.

OoOoO

Before heading back to Lindsey's, Angel stopped by the park so that Connor could play for a little while. He didn't like for him to be holed up inside all day, and he definitely wasn't a fan of how much time Darla allowed him to be on electronics, so whenever he was with him, he tried to make sure they got out as much as possible. Plus after their conversation this morning, he couldn't help but feel like running around with kids his own age might do him so good. Might help pull his mind away from the fucking whirlwind he was going through at home. 

"You have fun," Angel asked as they made their way back to his car. 

Connor shrugged, "Ya, I guess," he sighed. "But i had more fun yesterday," he added, crawling into the backseat. "Dad," he asked again, once Angel climbed into the driver seat. 

"Ya," he answered, looking at him through the rearview as he started the engine. 

"You think Buffy has picked out any names for the baby?" 

Angel swallowed, "I'm not sure, we haven't really talked about that yet." 

Connor clicked his seat belt in place, "Well I hope she doesn't let you talk her into anything weird." 

Puzzled, he couldn't help but chuckle, "Why would I do that?" 

Connor shrugged, meeting his eyes through the mirror again. "I don't know, Uncle Lindsey said if everything was left up to you, you'd probably screw it all up and name the kid Bartholomew or something… I just really don't want my brother to be named after the Simpson's."

Angel shook his head, "Ya know, I'm starting to think you and Uncle Lindsey are spending too much time together… I would never name your brother  _ Bartholomew,"  _ he grimaced. "Besides we don't even know that it's a boy, what if it's a girl?" 

Connor looked less than thrilled, "He said you would probably screw that up too, and name her something like Skye or Lola just to make a statement." 

Angel shut his eyes before putting the car in reverse. What in the name of all strip club hell was he teaching his son. 

OoOoO 

He hadn't even bothered letting Lindsey know that they were coming back over, they worked for the same firm, he knew his schedule. Besides, after hearing everything his son had to say this morning, there was more than one thing he wanted to talk to him about. Connor was smart beyond his years, but that still didn't change the fact that he was eight years old, a fact that  _ Uncle Lindsey _ seemed to forget sometimes. 

Slamming on his breaks, he sat there frozen for a second as he stared at the black SUV parked in his usual spot. Neither of them had said a word about having plans today, looking back at Connor he couldn't help but notice the sly smile he was trying his best to hide. "Oh wow," he shouted, far too dramatically. "Look Dad, its Buffy... What a surprise right?" 

Easing into the driveway, he pulled up behind her and threw the car into park. Something told him that not only was this not a coincidence, but now he wondered if Connor's whole spiel this morning had been nothing more than an act. "Did you know she was going to be here?" 

Connor looked him right in the eyes, he didn't nod his head yes, or shake it no, instead he fucking shrugged his shoulders like he'd just asked him what he'd done in school for the day. Angel sighed, no matter how uncomfortable it may be, they were all going to have to sit down and figure this out. It was bad enough he was about to have to walk in there after what happened between them last night, he didn't need his best friend and his fucking eight year old son teaming up behind his damn back to make life harder than it already seemed to be. 

OoOoO

Buffy's eyes widened as the pair stepped inside and got closer to the kitchen, she smiled as Connor all but threw himself into her arms. "Hey," she said slowly, still shocked by their arrival. 

Lindsey got one of those famous grins across his face, putting an arm across the back of the chair, he tilted his head and looked at Angel. "What's this I hear about you asking Buffy to move in with you?" 

Both he and Buffy groaned. Connor's face lit up as he pulled back from Buffy and he started jumping up and down in place. "You did?" he asked, nearly shouting in his excitement. "Oh, please Buffy? Please please please? Dad's new house is pretty cool, we've been talking about setting a place up for the baby, I get to go pick some stuff out for him or her before Dad takes me back to my mom's he said-"

Buffy was doing her best not to reach over and strangle Lindsey, barely controlling herself. Angel could damn well read her mind as she grasped for what she was supposed to say. 

"I-it was just an idea, Connor. And Lindsey," he finally spoke up. "I thought Buffy might want to have the baby back at the old house and then I thought maybe it could be helpful to everyone if we stayed there for awhile and figured things out... It was just an idea," he repeated, grounding out the last few words from behind his clenched teeth as he glared at Lindsey. 

"We could all be back at the other house together?" Connor asked, only hearing what he wanted to out of all of this. "I love that idea, everything could go back to how it was!"

Angel sighed. "We wouldn't be going back to things as it all used to be Connor... just... it would be preparing for the baby to arrive and Buffy would have a little more space and privacy out there instead of her apartment, and it would be easier to make sure you were there and I was there and all of that."

"And after?" Lindsey prompted, his pearly whites flashing. 

"You and I are going to have a talk later," he threatened, doing everything he could not to team up with his pregnant estranged wife and murder this fool and bury him in his own damn backyard. 

"Your dad was just a little worried about having to take care of the baby," Buffy quickly said to Connor. "And, you know, it's a little hard to, um, not be there. You know how it's sometimes a little sad to be with your dad and not with your mom or with your dad and you miss your mom... it's just a little hard to think of either of us having to be away from the baby, so much happens when they're that small and you could miss some things."

Connor frowned for a moment. "You and Dad missed out on everything when I was a baby."

"Yeah, sadly we did, kiddo. And I wish we could go back in time and have everything play out differently," Buffy told him, taking his hand in hers. 

"I don't want to miss out on any of it either. I'm the big brother, I should be there."

Buffy scooted her chair back from the little kitchen table and opened her arms up, letting him come sit on her lap, both of them making sure to watch out for the growing baby. "Me and your dad are going to do our best to make sure you don't miss out on so much of this kids' life, Connor. I promise. It's a little hard when we aren't together anymore, and I know you don't get too much time with your Dad as it is. We will do our very best though. We are still figuring all these things out."

Angel's heart squeezed. He was already tossing around the idea of asking Darla about having more time with his son, just afraid it would start drama with her and he hadn't felt like he could take fighting with her on top of everything else. Part of him felt it could turn nasty, the other part felt like she might be relieved. He knew he would be... He didn't want to down Darla by any means but he knew life at her house was much different than his. And it wasn't like he was asking to just completely take him from her, he just didn't think what they had together was anywhere near close to enough.

He'd gotten pretty used to a schedule of every other weekend but it never felt like enough time, and he knew once the baby was here it was bound to be hard juggling it all. Making sure Connor didn't feel left out, trying not to feel left out his own self from both kids' lives when he didn't have them with him, making the most of his time with both or each of the kids when he had them... It all felt very overwhelming. 

"A-are you going to have the baby at the old house, though?"

Buffy opened her mouth then shut it. "I was thinking I could probably do that," she finally said, her words slow. "Maybe when it was closer to when they are born I could stay at the house, just in case."

Connor smiled again. "And me and Dad would too? Would my dad stay with you even when I wasn't there?"

Buffy's eyes got wide again. "I-I don't know, Con. We haven't really talked about this very much."

"Would I get to stay in my old room again?"

She nodded at that one. "I don't see why not."

"If you moved in, like, now though... I would get to see you and the baby in your belly every week for sure. And, and you wouldn't have to worry about packing up and moving when you were closer to having the baby. It seems like that could be stressful."

Buffy all but snorted at his words and the look he had plastered on his face as he said it. "How about we put a pin in this whole conversation, just for now, okay? How about you... you tell me about your day? You never told me how your family tree report went, you know. What are you planning on getting for your dad's house for this new little brother or sister of yours?" she rushed out, hoping any of it would distract him from trying to talk about them living together back at that house for awhile. 

"Maybe you should come shopping with us!"

"Oh, my God," Angel whispered loud enough that only he could hear. 

"It's your Dad's and your place, sweetie. You should choose what you want."

"What about something to have at the other house?" 

OoOoO

Angel wasn't exactly sure how he came into the store with the intention of letting Connor pick out just a few things for the house, and now here he was pushing a cart that was nearing full limit. Connor was like a kid in a candy store, tossing everything from blankets and onesies to some sort of swing that looked more like a spaceship. 

Even as they stood in line to check out, Connor continued to try and stuff things from the end caps into the cart. So far, Angel had spotted no less than four types of pacifiers and something labeled as a wipe warmer. What he'd meant to be a fun little trip to the store was quickly turning into something else all together, once again he found himself feeling like something was missing. He could just imagine Buffy oohing and aahing over all the outfits Connor picked out, for not knowing if the baby was a girl or boy he'd actually done a pretty good job putting together a wardrobe for the little one. 

"Do you think we can take all this stuff to the old house next weekend," Connor asked as they finished loading everything into the car. 

Angel sighed as he moved the last bag to the trunk, he didn't have the heart to tell the kid that there was no point. That even though she had agreed to have the baby there, he seriously doubted she was planning on staying for any length of time afterward. He didn't miss the way she'd danced around that topic anytime Con tried to bring it back up. "You're going to be with your Mom next weekend remember?" 

Connor grumbled, "I remember… but what about the next weekend," he asked climbing into the back seat. 

Angel sighed again, he really wished there was a way to get it through to him that he needed to let this dream he had, of him and Buffy getting back together go. She'd barely even looked in his direction the entire time they were at Lindsey's. It reminded him too much of how they used to interact, before, ignoring the others presence, distant and cold, he didn't like it. It was definitely a one-eighty from yesterday that was for sure, and he honestly couldn't figure out why. She kissed him, it wasn't like he forced himself on her again, and from where he was standing she hadn't exactly seemed to mind. "We'll see," he mumbled, lost in his own thoughts.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

Buffy rolled over in bed again, picking her phone back up from the nightstand, she checked one more time, no new notifications. Angel hadn't done so much as text her since Saturday night, and as much as she wanted to pretend it didn't bother her, she was starting to get kind of used to his constant pestering again. 

Running a hand down her belly, she knew he was probably upset about the way she acted Sunday, but she'd been up damn near all night freaking out once they finally got off the phone. She was barely processing the fact that they kissed, and then he had to go suggest that they move back in together, as if things weren't weird enough between them. How in the hell were they supposed to live under the same roof? Even if she'd been wrong before, if he really wanted her there for all the reasons he said, and not because he was looking for a way to dump all the responsibility on her again, she just didn't see how it was supposed to work. 

As it was they could barely be around each other without crossing one line or another. It was to the point that Connor was picking up on it, and the last thing she wanted to do was cause that little boy any more pain. But she didn't want to go back to fighting with his father either, yes Angel was a little more forward, but she was far from innocent in it all. She'd put up next to no fight all the times he'd twined their finger together, or pulled her up against him, and that night as much as she wished she could blame him, it had been her to make that first move. No matter how she tried to dissect that, she couldn't seem to come up with any logical explanation, other than she'd let herself get all caught up in the moment, in him. 

She hated that, she couldn't stand how easy it was for her to fall under his charm again. This last week or so, it was so easy to fall into old habits, to do what she did those last few months of their marriage, to push everything down and pretend everything was perfect, to hang on the good times. No matter how she felt in the moment, she couldn't go back to that again. 

She wouldn't. 

Sighing, she laid her phone back on her nightstand and rolled back over as she prayed for sleep to take her. 

OoOoO

Angel pulled the bottle of the finest Irish whiskey he could get his hands on this side of the Atlantic out of the paper bag. Work had been hell all week, this new case he was taking over was an absolute wreck, he'd had to spend the majority of his days combing through files, trying to undo all the fuckups thanks to his clients previous attorney. Not to mention the fact that he hadn't heard from Buffy since their awkward interaction at Lindsey's last week. 

After everything last weekend, he decided it was probably best to back off a little. It wasn't that he wanted too, but with the cold shoulder he got on Sunday, he just didn't want to do anything else to push her buttons or upset her, no matter how much he fucking missed her. 

Grabbing two glasses from above Lindsey's bar, he popped a sphere of ice into each before filling them both up. "Damn, is there a special occasion I forgot about," Lindsey questioned, taking a good whiff of the amber liquid. 

Angel grunted, not even bothering to look in his direction as he quickly downed the contents of his glass, grabbing the bottle he wasted no time pouring himself a second round. 

Lindsey watched as he downed the second glass, "Is everything okay with Buffy?" That at least earned him a glance from the neanderthal. 

Angel took a deep breath, and just shook his head, "I wouldn't know." 

Lindsey looked confused, "What the hell do you mean? I thought y'all were talking again." 

Shrugging, he refilled his glass for the third time, "We were." 

"What do you mean you were," he groaned. "What the hell did you do now?" 

Finally taking a seat across from him, Angel ran a hand across his face. He couldn't fucking keep doing this to himself, he had to stop pining over the damn woman who clearly didn't want anything to do with him. 

He swallowed, "I filed for divorce." 

OoOoO

Angel was a fucking mess, Lindsey had finally had to wrestle him for the damn bottle of whiskey, and he was about two seconds from calling that damn wife of his to come handle him. He wasn't even sure what the hell was really going on at first. Buffy hadn't mentioned much of anything to him, but then again she had been busy with school functions with her class and he'd been swamped with work as well, same for Angel, so it wasn't unheard of for him to miss picking up on drama around him when everyone was in chaos like this. Still, nothing had been mentioned the few times they'd quickly spoke on the phone or anything. 

As for Angel... well, he'd been a damn ticking time bomb anyway so he wasn't that surprised he supposed. Sooner or later the asshole was going to have to fall from the tower he'd built on anger and bad choices. 

"You wanna tell me what's goin' on?" he asked after Angel had a few minutes to just slump over and stare off into space on the couch. 

"Why in the hell did you let me file those papers?"

" _ Excuse me?  _ Let you? When in the hell did I  _ let you _ do any damn such thing? I believe I did all I could think of to get you to work things out with Buffy, to go back to your damn house and fix the mess you created, to not make any stupid decisions like that. I believe I didn't know that you had done such a fuckin' thing until after the fact!"

Angel made a face at him. "I had this... this twisted view in my head, you know? Like, the kid thing? I didn't want to screw some innocent kid up, pass my genes along to someone, I didn't want to have some evil part of me come out because I had my shit childhood. But at the same damn time I went and thought I could go and fall in love, I could marry this perfect, beautiful, smart, amazing girl and I could do better. I could be better. Like, I thought I could put all my energy into being the best person for her instead of being a dick like my dad was. I knew better."

"Mmhmm."

"He acted like he was God's gift to the damn world, Linds. We were all fucking underlings. He was hardly there and when he was it was all boast about great he was and how awful we were, nothing we did was good enough. He was obsessed with titles and money and power, powerful people. My mother tried for years to get his approval, dealt with him ignoring her, dealt with him acting like he was better than her, acting like me and her were nothing more than a chore and a laundry list of endless shitty behavior. I saw her slowly breaking down, I still... anytime I think about her I always go first to the memory of the last time I even saw her, that look she gave me before she left and then decided to never come back still haunts me when I let it invade my thoughts. And.. I mean, I don't even know if she's alive somewhere out in the world, if she's happy, if... a million other things. So I should have fucking known better, Lindsey."

Lindsey sighed. "I can't argue with you on that, Angel."

"I didn't see it, Linds... not really. Looking back, getting some space from all of it and looking back I can... but in the moment, while everything was happening, and it just felt like everything was one hit after another I didn't. I mean, some of it I guess I did... I would say a stupid remark to her about how I thought my job was more important than hers or something along those lines and as soon as they came out of my face I knew that was stupid and would brush it off like a slip of the tongue almost. But I didn't put it all together, I didn't see how lonely she was, how of course she thought I put anyone and everyone in front of her because I pretty much did... not meaning to how she took it as but I get where she was coming from. I didn't see how bad everything was until it was too late and I didn't know what to do."

"I don't think there's an excuse for how you acted at times, but the fall out could have been handled a lot better, too. Once you did realize everything you didn't have to high tail it, get pissed off at the world, run off and say that everything is done in the manner that you chose."

"I thought it would be easier," he nearly whispered before swallowing hard. "I wish I had a reset button, go back in time and fix it all. I wish I hadn't acted the way I did, I wish that the second I realized how miserable she was and how awful I really was acting I hadn't made those choices. I wish I had manned up, apologized, I wish with everything I have inside of me that I had done whatever in the hell she needed me to do in order to work things out. But I didn't."

"You didn't at the time," he corrected. "Time hasn't run out either."

Angel shook his head. "I didn't at the time... and then I made everything worse, I petitioned to end our marriage, I refused to deal with her, I missed out on knowing we were having a baby until it was almost too late. I let time slip away. I let her have the chance to realize how better off she is without me. I let Connor lose out on an amazing family he could have had, on the family that little baby on the way should fucking have. I lost every damn thing I ever wanted, could have ever wanted. Hell, I can't even just be friends with her and be civil and whatever for the sake of these kids because I manage to go and fuck that up. Because I fucking miss her. Because you're an ass, Connor breaks my heart nearly every time he opens his mouth, because I hate everything around me and wish I could snap my fingers and make everything different. And Buffy won't even fucking talk to me all over again because I fucked up this whole oh let's get along shit."

OoOoO

Scrolling through his phone, Lindsey's eyes lingered over his female best friends' name. Now more than ever he was sure that the two of them needed to figure their shit out, at least Angel had finally admitted what he'd known all along about what went down between them and how he wished things were different between them. It didn't take a damn rock scientist to know Angel wanted her back in more ways than one. He might have been the last person next to Buffy to realize that shit. 

He sure in the hell didn't know how to fix them and bring them back together but he'd be damned if he didn't try. 

Deciding it might be too late to call, he sent her a text asking if they could meet up for breakfast the next morning. 

Angel may have finally come to terms with everything, but he knew she was another story entirely. She wasn't innocent in all this mess, but he'd been the one to do the leaving, and in the meantime she'd built a wall around herself so damn high even he wasn't sure it was penetrable at times. She did a good job, keeping it together, giving off the impression that everything was fine, but whenever the two of them were around each other, he could see the cracks. 

His phone chimed, dragging him from his thoughts, but he smiled when he read that she'd agreed to meet him, not all victories were big ones. They sent a few texts back and forth discussing the details of when and where before she told him that she was just about to doze off, and that she would see him in the morning. 

He debated trying to wake Angel for a few minutes, he was sure he'd be a lot more comfortable in the guest bedroom, but he really wasn't trying to deal with him anymore tonight either. Hopping up from the recliner, he made sure the door was locked, and pulled the small trash can from the hall bath out, sitting it next to where he slept. One thing was for sure, he was going to be hurting come tomorrow. 

OoOoO

Lindsey was waiting out by his car when she pulled into the parking lot of the cafe. She'd purposely avoided asking anything about his other half when he texted her last night, and now this morning, she found herself pushing down the smallest bit of disappointment that he wasn't standing out there alongside their best friend. 

"So what's up," she asked once they were finally seated and had given their order to one of the waitresses. 

Lindsey shrugged, "What do you mean, I can't take my best friend out to breakfast without something going on?" 

She just rolled her eyes, "You keep doing that weird fidgety thing."

"What weird fidgety thing," he asked, glancing down as his fingers continued to drum on the table. 

"The one you do when there's something you want to say." 

Lindsey sighed, she knew him too fucking well. "I was just wondering how things were going between you and that husband of yours." 

Her eyes narrowed, "They're fine, why?"

They both knew that she was full of shit, but he'd play along, for now. "Well that's not the way he described it," he taunted. 

Taking a deep breath, she pursed her lips together, "I don't know what to tell you Lindsey, I haven't heard from him." 

Lindsey groaned, not for the first time he contemplated throwing them both in a room, locking the door, and not letting them out until they worked all this shit out. "He misses you." 

Her hand stilled as she reached for her coffee, "Could of fooled me," she sighed, trying her best to shake off the rush of emotions threatening to consume her. 

He smirked, well she wasn't throwing anything yet. "He's in bad shape Buf."

Her heart squeezed in her chest, "What do you mean?" 

He shrugged again, "He came over last night, got all tore up, and well basically told me that he regretted everything. The way he treated you, the divorce, everything." 

She swallowed, "We all have regrets Linds." 

"Oh ya?" He nodded, "What are yours?" 

She shook her head, "Nice try, but we are not diving into that pool this morning. That is not what I signed up for today." 

Reaching for her hand, he sighed yet again as he tried to think of the best way to get through to her. "Fine, if you wont talk to me, will you atleast come back to the house and talk to him?" 

Glaring, she narrowed her eyes again. "What are we supposed to talk about Linds? You say he misses me… well I fucking miss him too, but that doesn't mean anything," she stressed. "And telling each other how we feel isn't going to help matters either. Trust me, I don't like to hear that he's in pain, or that he's upset, or that he's spending his friday nights getting wasted. But there's nothing I can say to make any of this better, not for him, not for me, not for anyone." 

Leaning back in the little red booth, he crossed his arms. "Now you see, I think hearing all of that would make him feel a hell of a lot better."

Utterly defeated, she shook her head again. "What good could possibly come from him hearing any of that?"

Just then the waitress appeared with their food, Buffy looked relieved, but if she thought he was going to let this go that easily she was sadly mistaken. He kept his mouth shut until they got everything situated, but the moment the girl stepped away, he went right back at it. "Look, I get that it's painful, but you can't tell me that you weren't in a better place this time last week when y'all were off playing friends. I  _ saw _ you, and whether or not you want to admit, you looked a hell of a lot happier then, than you do now. Now I'm not asking you to just pretend like nothing has happened, I'm not even telling you to go work things out with him, all I'm saying is that he had a rough night, and I know that seeing you would make him feel just a little bit better." 

Sometimes she really couldn't stand him.

"Please," he asked, when she still hadn't said anything. 

Closing her eyes, she let out a deep breath, before opening them to look at him again. "Fine," she grumbled, promptly stabbing one of her pancakes and taking a bite, putting an end to the discussion. 

OoOoO

She had taken a little detour on the way to Lindsey's, running through the drive thru she got him a burger and a powerade, knowing his cure for a hangover. She also ran into the gas station, purchasing a bottle of excedrin for him. Knowing Lindsey, he wouldn't have any kind of pain reliever at the house, and if he did he wouldn't know where the hell they were. 

Pulling into the driveway, she said a silent prayer that he was still sleeping, at least that way she could have a couple minutes to pull herself together. Grabbing his food and painkillers, she shot Lindsey the finger as she passed him on the porch. "Not a word," she stomped passed him, making her way into the house. 

"He's in the guestroom," she heard him shout just before the door closed behind her. 

Standing outside the door, she debated for a few seconds if she should knock or not. Deciding that if he had really drank as much as Lindsey said then he was probably still sleeping, she slowly twisted the nob and stepped quietly inside, gently closing the door behind her. It was no surprise that his clothes were piled up next to the bed, one leg tossed out from under the covers she could just make out the edge of his boxers in the dim light. 'Well at least he kept those on,' she thought to herself. Not sure if she could deal with a naked Angel right now. 

Honestly, she wasn't even sure what she was supposed to do here. She took a deep breath before walking closer toward the bed, her eyes taking him in as she sat the bag of food down on the small nightstand, she cracked open the lid to his drink so he wouldn't be struggling with it and barely fastened it back on, and then set out a pair of tablets for him to take when he was ready. He looked miserable even as he slept, she thought. 

Her heart lurched as she remembered what Lindsey had told her about last night and she couldn't help but wonder what brought all of this on to begin with. And she wondered if it had anything to do with his lack of communication lately. 

Carefully crawling into the bed beside him, she propped herself up on some of the pillows he wasn't sprawled out with and up against the headboard before letting her eyes take in the image of him once again. Her fingers brushed against his furrowed brow and danced along his tense filled features lightly, seeing that crease between his dark eyebrows grow deeper as his long eyelashes started to flutter. 

OoOoO

Angel was about to fly into a panic as the darkness started to slowly fall away and he became barely aware of someone touching him. Almost... lovingly? His eyes squeezed shut as his head hammered away, him trying to remember where in the hell he even was and what had happened. For a moment his stomach wanted to give because he was terrified he'd followed through on the idea of trying to push Buffy as far from his mind with jumping into bed with someone else... only for that churning inside of him to slam into him the truth. He suddenly remembered waking up earlier and throwing up repeatedly in Lindsey's living room and somehow stumbling through the house after he got his bearings back and he'd cleaned up a tiny bit. He remembered trying to get the taste of vomit out of his mouth and splashing water on his face, stubbing his toe on something in the hallway, taking his clothes off because he'd suddenly felt like he was burning up... crashing...

He then knew he was at Lindsey's and safe from some slut he'd fucked up with... but who in the fuck was touching him? 

Cautiously blinking and cracking his eyes open, he was surprised to find Buffy beside him, even though after focusing on his other senses he had kind of started putting that one together. Her face was almost unreadable, just a small hint of concern in her eyes as she looked down at him. 

"Buffy?" 

"Angel."

His arm seemed to move on its own accord, his hand sliding over to her swollen stomach underneath the blankets like it had the force of a magnet pulling him closer. Buffy's eyes left his to stare at the new shape his hand created as it rested atop her stomach. 

"I heard you had a bit of a rough night," she finally said. He didn't say anything so she nodded her head to the side. "I brought you some supplies in case you need them. I'm hoping you've finish emptying your stomach and I'm not in some danger zone here," she tried to joke. 

"Thank you?" he barely managed to get out, his mouth dry and his voice full of sleep still. And he was still confused as to why she was even here... obviously Lindsey had something to do with it. He could only image what that mother fucker must have said to her. 

"Do you think you could sit up?" she asked and after a couple of minutes had passed he managed, being handed the drink first and told to take small sips. His throat felt a little better as the cool liquid rushed over him, but the rest of him still felt like he'd been beaten up, ran over, then beaten again. 

"What are you doing here?" 

"I don't know," she answered at first. He took another sip while she leaned over to grab the sandwich and told him to take a bite or two before he attempted the medicine. She fidgeted with her fingers and the top of the blanket next. "Lindsey asked me last night to meet up with him for breakfast and then he started telling me that you were having a hard time... and somehow convinced me that it was a good idea for me to come here and make sure you were okay."

"I don't think that I am," Angel told her. "I've been trying to be... but none of this is what I wanted."

Buffy tilted her head a little to look over at him. "Me either, Angel. I think that's probably why it's easy for us to get caught up in one another like we did... because... it's almost nice to pretend like everything didn't fall apart, even if for a short time. It hurts less to imagine we're some happy family at times than to keep reminding myself that we're anything but, to keep repeating inside my head the reality of our situation. It's hard being alone, Angel. It's hard missing you all of the time." 

"Do you?" 

"Do I what?" she asked, barely above a whisper. 

"Do you miss me?"

"You know that I do, Angel. You've heard me say it, and I'm pretty sure it goes without having to say it. I missed you even before you left me, and in so many new ways since you did. I don't miss aspects of our marriage, I don't miss feeling the way that I did when you weren't there or when I would get upset about things you did, I don't miss fighting with you or being angry with you. I miss the better things, the better times... I miss what I wish we could have been."

Angel could feel tears threatening to come. "Is it wrong that I miss those things, though? In ways... I hated it with my entire being but if I came home and you would be at my throat within the first thirty seconds or I would find you hysterically crying or any of that... I left because I broke, but I didn't think I could do it anymore, I couldn't hurt you anymore and I couldn't watch you be miserable... but at the same time... you were doing all of that because you still needed something from me. Because you were still my wife, you were still there, we were in our house, we were together. Even if everything was going to shit.... there was still a chance.... I still got to come home to you at the end of the day." 

"When you did. You sure didn't seem to enjoy any aspect of coming home to me, Angel."

"I know," he whispered, his heart breaking into pieces all over again. "And that was in no way fair to you. Nothing I did over that last year was and I would give anything in this world to change it, to go back and be the husband you needed, the one that you deserved. I wish we could be the family that were supposed to be, I hate that I've screwed that up, it kills me to see my son in pain because he misses you, and I can't even let myself think about how it's going to feel once that baby gets here. I keep trying to imagine my life five, ten years down the road and I can't, because everytime I look into the future you're still all that I can see."

Not bothering to hide her tears she scooted closer to him, her leg slipping between his thighs, her arm wrapped snugly around him, she used his chest as a pillow, as she laid against the warmth of his skin. Inhaling deeply, she let herself get lost for a moment, her body craving the feel of him. "What are we supposed to do," she asked, her grip around him tightening. 

God he missed this, "I know I have a lot to prove Buffy," he whispered, his head leaning over rest on top of hers. "What do you think about pushing the divorce off," feeling her tense against him, he quickly added, "Just until after the baby's here." 

She swallowed, clearing her throat. she tried her best to steady her voice. "Isn't that just postponing the inevitable?" 

"Maybe… maybe not," he told her, his own voice cracking. He wasn't sure himself what he was suggesting, but he had to try something, he couldn't continue like this, they couldn't. "It would give me some time." Tugging on her arm, he carefully guided her across him, his eyes nearly rolling into the back of his head at the feel of her against him after so long. 

"What do you mean," she gasped, her thighs clenching around him. It didn't matter how angry she was with him, how hurt, she had never been able to control her body's response to him. That was how they had made it as long as they had, no matter how bad the fight was the make-up was always bigger, they used sex as a bandaid for everything, and no matter how badly she wanted too, she couldn't let herself fall back into that habit… no matter how badly she wanted too. 

His hands resting around her hips, it took everything he had not to rock her against him. His body betraying him, the evidence of his arousal sat unashamed between them. "I mean, what if we take the next couple of months to think about things - to focus on getting ready for this baby," he added softly, sliding his hands beneath the soft material of her shirt to rest against her growing belly. He swallowed, "What if I can prove to you that we don't need to get divorced," he asked, his eyes falling closed, not sure he could handle seeing the rejection he felt was coming. 

Her eyes went wide as her breath caught in her throat, she couldn't believe this was really happening. How many nights had she laid in bed completely destroyed, praying that he would wake up and see how bad things had become between them, hoping beyond hope that he would come home and tell her all of this. 

"We can't fall back into old habits," she managed, shaking her head, despite the fact that her hips had slowly begun to roll against the hardness between them. 

"We won't," he ground out. Trying desperately to ignore the way his cock twitched between them, he wasn't sure he had ever wanted her this badly. 

Everything inside of her was swirling, she knew he had regrets, they both did, but she never expected that they ran this deep, not really. A part of her knew that she should just tell him no, roll off him, and hightail it back to her apartment alone, but the words seemed stuck on the tip of her tongue. Thinking over what he was saying, she knew she would be lying if she didn't admit that his words had ignited the smallest spark of hope within her. She just needed to be sure that she was thinking with her head, and not some other area of her body, she needed to be sure they both were. 

Closing her own eyes, she swallowed again, "We would have to take things slow, like starting over slow," she added. "I don't want to have gone through all of this for nothing." 

He wasn't sure what he had been expecting to hear, but it damn sure wasn't that. Even though he was the one throwing it all out there, he never honestly expected her to agree. His eyes snapped back open, meeting her mossy depths. "I can do slow," he nodded, his manhood swelling further beneath her. 

Despite her tears, she couldn't help but smirk as she felt him against her. "What are we going to tell Connor," she asked rocking against him just a little harder. It was torture yes, but it had been too long since she'd been able to tease him like this, she missed that gleam in his eye, she missed knowing how much he wanted her. 

He smiled, still not believing this was really happening, he tried to focus on her question, but it was hard to shift his thoughts to his son at the moment. "We'll tell him the truth," he murmured, pulling her down to him, his hand tangling in her hair. He knew that she'd said slow, but there was no he could stop himself from kissing her, he wasn't that strong. 

His mouth capturing hers, he let his hands glide down back around soft thighs, pressing her against him, he couldn't help but arch into for a few moments as they got lost inside one another. Not wanting to give her any reason to change her mind, and knowing he was already pushing those limits, he carefully rolled them until they were both resting on their sides. Forcing himself to pull away, he touched his lips to her forehead for a quick second, before pulling her closer to him, tucking her head beneath his chin. "Stay with me today," he asked softly, nowhere near ready to let her go. 

Still too caught up in the moment, and not trusting herself to speak just yet, she nodded her head against him. Then eventually added, "I think I can manage that." 


	14. Chapter Fourteen

Having found his way inside, Lindsey sat in the living room waiting for the fallout. He'd caught a glimpse of Angel down the hall, in his fucking underwear no less, making his way to what he assumed was the shower, but there'd been no sign of Buffy yet. He hadn't heard any yelling though, so he was counting that as a good sign, he hoped anyway. 

Even though he had been the one to set all this shit in motion, he still wasn't sure if bringing her back here was a good idea or not. But something had to fucking give, none of them could go on like this, there was only so long he could keep playing both sides before one of them got hurt again. He liked to imagine a world where even if they went through with officially ending their marriage and moving on with their lives they could all be some big, distorted family somehow... but the truth was, he knew them too damn well. Sooner or later something would break, and too many people would wind up hurt. Especially those two kids he loved. 

He had seen them in their glory days and also at their worst, he knew they were still in love with one another and nothing on this planet was ever going to change that fact, no amount of time would, no matter how much they might have hurt one another or how pissed off they managed to be... it never took away from that. They were both hurting and would be every day of their lives until they found their way back to each other. That's just how it was. And God fucking help anyone who was in the path of destruction they were bound to leave behind if this little ruse went on much longer. 

Especially after Angel's little surprise visit and breakdown yesterday. He was never more sure. He didn't think Angel would ever recover from the mistakes he'd made along the way if that divorce went through, if they kept pretending everything was fine when it was anything but... It was going to be a dark hole for that man. Part of why he wound up taking Angel's "side" after everything was in part to that, he knew Angel needed him more. It was a shitty move and he knew Buffy needed him too, especially since she went around hiding that baby baking in her oven and all, but he was a lot less concerned about her at the end of the day. Yes, she was falling apart, too, but she was always strong. She knew how to handle herself. When it came down to it, he wasn't so sure Angel was going to survive when he left his wife. 

Deciding after a few minutes more had passed, Lindsey stood up and headed toward the guest bedroom to see if he could get a better idea of what in the hell was going on. When he got to the door way, he peeked his head in, letting his weight rest on his chest and arms. "Hey, you," he greeted the confused looking blonde. 

"Hey."

"He okay?" 

Buffy nodded her head a bit. "He went to take a shower to see if it would help with the headache and everything. He also didn't smell the best."

"I gathered. Did you two talk?" 

She nodded again. "He asked me to spend the day with him," she told him. "I don't know why... or what we're really supposed to do... And, um, a-actually... he asked me if we could basically put a pin in the whole divorce case."

With that, Lindsey pushed back against the wall so he could make his way deeper into the room, a smile gracing his features as he walked closer to her. "Did he now? And what in the world did you say? Did you slap him into next week? I don't remember hearing any smacking sounds but... I know you."

Buffy looked down at her nervous fingers. "No. I think I kind of agreed to it... but h-how are we supposed to do that?" she whispered. "How are we supposed to say, oh, well, nevermind. We don't need to get divorced, we're going to try and work it out. Now?"

"Exactly how I've been sayin' this whole damn time... you both admit to one another you made some wrong moves, you apologize, you tell each other you fucking miss one another. And then you work on it. I've never said just pretend you two didn't have a shit ton of problems or to just ignore them or go back right to where you are, don't just jump back in and think everythin'll be alright... but..."

"But what?" she breathed out. "He basically said he wants time to see if we could figure things out but how do we do that, Lindsey? I mean besides and beyond all of that... how do you get past what happened? How do you make sure it doesn't happen again? How do we actually be... together? Together again?"

He leaned into her, resting the side of his head against hers. "I don't have all the answers, Buf. I think learning to get over the past is part something you have to allow and accept, while also seeing that he's changed and hopefully let him prove that to you. Hopefully he wants to prove that to you, that he's sorry for what went down and that he won't ever put you guys in that position ever again. I don't know what you need from him to feel like you can be his again, not really, or what he needs either. That's something you need to figure out and express to each other, you guys need to figure out what you both want together, too."

"It feels crazy, Lindsey. It was crazy when I would let those thoughts hit into me. It felt crazy when you'd bring it up. It felt crazy when he suddenly said all these things I'd hoped for months on end to hear... and more so as I'm sitting in here thinking of every bad thing that happened and all the ones that could if we actually went there."

"Well, yeah. You've got a crazy situation, woman. It's supposed to. But you also know what? You know despite everything this is exactly what you want, and you have time to work it out, you still have the chance to say this wasn't right and we should still split up if that's where you land down the road. You know you will regret it if you don't at least try and let him back in."

"What if I regret doing it?"

"I don't honestly think you will. Even if it doesn't work out... you still tried for you, for your family... but if you do wind up thinking it was all some waste of time or whatever... that's easier to deal with in a numbers of ways. Knowing sucks sometimes, but not knowing... you know the pain of that. Wondering for the rest of your life will destroy you."

OoOoO

With pinched fingers held as far from him as he could manage, Lindsey took Angel's soiled clothes to his laundry room to clean them up before going back to his room to find some extra clothes to find for him to wear in the meantime. Knocking on the door, he yelled he would leave them at the door but then it cracked open before he fully bent down and Angel's hand reached out. "Here you go, asshole," he said, handing them over. 

"Is Buffy still here?"

"Yep. She's still hanging out in the room waiting on you."

"Okay. I'll be out in a minute."

"Do you know what you're doin'?" 

"Figuring out how to get my family back. Which... I might have to ask for some help from you on."

"Why does that not surprise me?"

OoOoO

"Hey."

"Hey, back." 

Even though he'd already asked Lindsey, a part of him was still worried she would duck out before he got back in here. Crossing the room, he sat down back beside her on the bed. "I wasn't sure you'd still be here." 

Scooting over to make room for him, she shrugged, "What's the plan for today?" 

Wincing, he hadn't exactly thought that far ahead yet. Too preoccupied trying to come to terms with the fact that she had even agreed in the first place. It was at times like these that he wished Connor was here, things between them were always so much easier whenever he was. Though he supposed that was part of all this, they had to learn how to exist being just the two of them again. 

His fingers found hers,"What do you think about going back to my place for a while? I've kind of been dying to see you inside of it ever since I moved in." 

Biting her lip, she once again began playing with the stitching of the comforter. "Have you, I mean, I just, has there been anyone else," she paused. "At your house?" 

Angel froze, reading between the lines. Finally he shook his head, "Buffy, I haven't been with anyone since this little one here was created." 

"Really," she asked, fighting off tears all over again. She spent hours torturing herself, imagining all of the different faceless women that she was sure he was parading around with. In their home, his car, at Lindsey's, more than one phone call between her and their best friend had ended up in a screaming match, accusations flying. 

He nodded, "I thought about it, and there were times that the opportunity was there, but I couldn't do it. Me and Lindsey would go out, or I would meet someone here or there, and the thought would cross my mind. Before I found out about the baby I was desperate, I was spiraling, I did whatever I could to keep my mind off of you, off us, but no matter how much I siked myself up for it, in the end I could never go through with it. I know I've given you dozens of reasons not to trust me Buffy, but please don't ever doubt that I loved you. That I still love you more than anything in this world." 

Her eyes brimming with unshed tears, she nodded, "Are you scared?" 

"Of us," he asked, letting go of her hand so he could lay down next to her again. Automatically brushing a couple stray strands back from her face. "Terrified, I'm worried that I'll screw something up, I'm scared that you'll change your mind, I'm dreading tomorrow because a part of me keeps saying that you're going to wake up and say never mind. I don't know what's allowed now, I don't know the right ways to touch you, and if you haven't noticed I'm not exactly the best at keeping my hands off you, but then I worry about that upsetting you too." 

Her fingers danced back around his brow, "There's not a wrong way to touch me." 

He groaned, "Don't tempt me woman, I can think of a thousand ways off the top of my head that I know you wouldn't approve of." 

She smiled, "I mean touching isn't a bad thing, I'm just as, if not more guilty about it than you are. We just have to figure out new boundaries, that's all. I know I said I wanted to take things slow, but that doesn't mean that I don't miss you, or that I'm not thinking about the same things. I want this to work too, but I'm still not fully convinced that it will. We've been a part for a long time, and we've only been back in each other lives for a few weeks, yet here we are basically saying that we're all in again, and it's not that I don't want too, but I spent so long trying to convince myself that this would never happen." She sighed, "It's just a lot to process."

He knew what she was saying, none of this felt real, he kept expecting to wake up. He frowned, "Do you still want to spend the day together?" 

Acting like she was really contemplating his question, she waited until she could see the panic in his eyes before she nodded. Knowing that the door was open, and that Lindsey probably wasn't far from it, she made sure to lower her voice, "Kiss me." 

OoOoO

Lindsey had been creeping as close as he could manage without giving himself way. He was pretty sure that he was still in shock, he still wasn't sure how in the hell Angel managed to get through to her, but he felt like he could finally breathe at least a small sigh of relief. He knew this was just the first of many steps in the right direction for them, but he couldn't help but want to jump up and down that they had finally fucking made it here. Noticing it had gone quiet, he risked a peek around the corner, his eyes going wide at the image in front of him. 

Angel was all but on top of Buffy, he was about as close as he could get anyway, considering that baby that was between them. His arms braced on either side of her, they were making out like a couple of damn teenagers. 

Fully stepping around the corner, he clapped his hands together. "Well I'll be damned, if this isn't a sight for sore eyes." 

Angel sighed as he pulled away to glare at their friend, for someone who had been pushing for this since the beginning, he sure chose one hell of a time to interrupt them. His jaw clenched, "Fuck off Lindsey." 

Grinning, he shook his head, "No way, I've waited too long for this."

Buffy snorted, "Okay, that's weird." 

Lindsey scoffed, shooting her the finger. "I need to run by the mall real quick, y'all wanna tag along?" 

Angel held his breath as he waited for her to answer, there was no way he was going to deny her if that's what she wanted to do, but he was nowhere near ready to share her. 

"Actually, I think we're going to go to Angel's. Besides, I'm not so sure he's up for the mall," she covered. 

Lindsey smirked, "Uh-huh." 

"Alright well, one of you is going to have to come move your car. My yards barely recovered from the last time someone decided to plow through it." He glared at Buffy. 

Buffy rolled her again, but did her best to try and sit up, though between Angel and the baby she didn't have much luck. 

"I'll move it, where are your keys?"

She pointed at the little nightstand on the other side of the bed, "Don't get mad about the water bottles." 

Angel smirked, they used to always argue about the way she couldn't seem to help but use the passenger side floor board as her own personal water bottle graveyard. Everytime he went to open the damn door they would come tumbling out. 

"Ahh, just like old times." Lindsey teased. 

OoOoO

"What's on your mind over there, pretty girl?" Angel asked as they came to a red light, his fingers laced together with hers over the center console, an unreadable look still on Buffy's face he wasn't so sure he liked. 

"I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around all of this," she answered, almost shrugging. She looked like she was almost ready to cry again as he squeezed her hand a little bit tighter. "I feel like I'm almost in a daze of some sort... and all of this is just going to wind up too good to be true, or a dream to wake up from, something."

He could relate all too well. Last night he was on the verge of a full blown nervous breakdown over where they were, terrified for all the things he'd done and for what he thought the future held for him, and somehow this morning happened... and now the afternoon... and he was sitting beside her with this tension in the air, but his heart so much lighter because he was potentially getting that last shot to make everything right between them again that he had long since thought was impossible. 

"I'm sorry it took me so long to do the right thing," he told her softly. "We should have never gotten to this point. I just want to make up for all of it. I don't know, but I just want to try to."

OoOoO

Buffy wasn't sure why she felt so damn nervous as she waited for Angel to unlock the door, it was nice to no longer need to think of him and a string of slutty women doing unspeakable things everywhere inside but it was still strange.. he'd left her behind and started over again here, this is where he had been spending the past several months building something new for himself and for Connor and as of recent times for their new child on the way as well. She'd imagined it a million times over when her mind would drift and it just felt heavy to be here now. 

Stepping inside, Angel followed and turned the lights on, giving her a moment to look around from where she was standing before offering her a drink. He went to grab a cold soda for each of them from the fridge while she walked around the entry way and then deeper into the living room, unable to miss connections between this place and the apartment he had lived in when they first started dating. It was large, she didn't doubt expensive either, a lot of shades of black, white and gray. He had very little on the walls beyond pictures, it was tidy, nothing more than he really needed. 

"Looks like you've been busy," she said, nodding her head toward the pile of boxes and bags in the far corner as he handed her the cool drink. 

Angel glanced over at the stuff he and Connor had picked up before he'd had to go back to his mom's that he hadn't bothered putting away. "Yeah. I told Connor he could go pick out an outfit or two, maybe a few little soft toys or something like that and somehow I wound up with way more than I planned on."

Buffy smiled at that, almost able to picture it... Connor throwing things in left and right. When Connor had first come into the lives and she had set out to make sure his room was perfect, that he had plenty of toys and clothes to keep at their house, snacks he liked and things of that nature she'd compared it to pulling teeth. And actually a lot to herself when she first started dating Angel and he tried to spoil her all the time with various things. Connor wasn't used to being told he could get this or that, when he had agreed on something he liked he'd get so nervous after saying he didn't really need it and how they should take it back. Slowly, she had started working on getting him to open up a little on that and realize it was okay. 

Buffy knew that he would have been having a blast going through all the baby supplies, though. It could be overwhelming but it was also a lot of fun even for her, she loved looking through all the cute outfits, bottles, the array of car seats and strollers and anything you could possibly imagine needing for a small child.

"He tried to stick with neutral outfits and such for now," Angel said, "but he found a shirt in his size too that said 'Best Big Brother Ever' and then found some for little sister and little brother so I told him he could both and we can see where that ends up. I think he got a set of purple pacifiers and one of like green and blue too just in case."

"I love how excited he is," she admitted. She really hadn't been sure at first how Connor would react to his particular news so she was happy he didn't look at it in a negative light. 

With that, Angel offered to show her around the rest of the place, first going to Connor's new room and explaining how he kept talking about sharing the room with the newborn. 

Buffy spotted many items for the house, from his old room, but a lot was missing, too. It felt more lived in than the living room and kitchen, more homey with the posters on the wall, the toys strung about, shelves full of items along the wall. "You should have got his things," she told Angel. "Or, better yet, you could have just gone home and let him have his room back, you know." 

Angel shook his head. "It was an idea, I always felt that he had to lose out on... everything, the room, the house, family that he had come to know... but I couldn't stay there. Not without you. I couldn't face it, I have enough trouble just going through it to make sure things are in order and grabbing little items here and there."

Buffy felt her heart race a little as they stepped into his bedroom, especially with knowing no one else had been in here with him, and in spite of knowing and reminding herself they had to move slow to try and work things out between them if it were ever going to last. She couldn't deny the large bed and the only man her heart would ever belong to looked damn inviting, though. 

OoOoO

Cuddled up together on the large sofa, after another round of heartfelt apologies on both of their ends, Angel brushed a stand of hair out of her face and looked down at her. He knew they were supposed to be basically starting over but he couldn't help it as he brought up the idea of them living together again. 

"That seems to be skipping a hell of a lot of steps, Angel," Buffy told him, pulling herself back up out of his lap. 

"I know," he whispered fully aware of what he was suggesting. "But you're also pregnant, very pregnant," he reiterated, his hand finding its way under her shirt to rest on top of their growing baby. "It scares me, if something were to happen to one of you… I don't think I could live with myself." 

She understood where he was coming from, she really did, but what he was asking was a lot. Not only that, it was a huge risk. If she gave her up her apartment, if she moved back in there and things didn't work out between them, then she would be right back where she was six months ago. Right back where she swore to herself she would never be again. "I don't know Angel, that sort of feels like it would create more problems than it's worth right now." 

"What kind of problems?" 

She sighed, "Problems like what happens if things don't work out? You know how hard it is to find a decent apartment out here, and I can only imagine how much harder that task would be with a newborn. Plus you and me living together, how is that supposed to work? Are you planning on sleeping in the guest room, or are we supposed to share a room, and if so do you have any idea how hard that's going to be? I wasn't joking when I said I wanted to take things slow, like snail speed, and I just don't see that happening if we're both sleeping under the same roof every night, much less in the same bed." 

He smirked, "So your biggest concern is not knowing if you're going to be able to control yourself around me?"

She went to shove at his arm, but he caught her and pulled her back down with him. "What if I make you a promise," he whispered, grinning against her ear. 

"I promise not to let you touch me until you tell me otherwise." 

She groaned, "See, this is exactly what I'm talking about. You act like this and I think it's adorable, and it makes it so hard to remember why I'm mad at you." 

"Adorable, huh?" He smirked again, and this time she did shove at his arm, but he quickly recovered, curling around her. 

"Angel I'm serious." 

He nodded against her, "So am I. If you're biggest hang up is about us, then I promise you,  _ I _ wont let anything happen. I know you have your doubts - as you should - but I swear to you the last thing I want to do is mess this up, I can't lose you. And if you're worried about the apartment, we can just pay the damn lease off for the next three, six months… however long you need." 

Fighting against every single damn hormone in her body, she tried her hardest to stop her eyes from overflowing. Squeezing them shut, she nodded, "Okay."

Popping them back opened, she made sure he was listening. "But I'm keeping the apartment, and I think it's probably best if one of us sleeps in the guestroom." She sighed, "For a while at least."

Even though he'd just promised to be the one who maintained control, he couldn't stop himself from pulling her against his lips. "I love you," he murmured after finally garnering the strength to pull away. 

She kissed him again, "I love you too Angel, even though I tried so hard to stop." 

Silence filled the air around them as they both stared, drinking each other in. Her heart was thundering a mile a minute, she loved him, but not for the first time today her mind was spinning due to the agreement she'd made. There was no way Willow was going to believe all of this. Hell, she wasn't even sure she did. 

"Any chance you want to call it a practice night and stay with me?"

She just groaned in response. 


	15. Chapter Fifteen

Lindsey's eyes widened as he watched them pull up from his spot on the porch. He hadn't expected to see them back tonight, and he could only hope Angel hadn't gone and screwed something up already. But as he watched them exit the car, he breathed a near audible sigh of relief when he saw their fingers intertwine as they made their way up to the house. 

"Y'all good," he called out from his seat on the railing. 

Buffy nodded, "Angel was just bringing me to pick up my car." 

"Why? You could have just left it here, no need to interrupt the reunion," he grinned at Angel. 

Buffy blushed, "I'm going back to my place Linds." 

He dropped down from the ledge, "What, why?"

Angel rolled his eyes as he listened to his wife give Lindsey a watered down version of what all they had agreed on. 

"So let me get this straight, you two are more or less back together, you're moving back into the house, but you're going to sleep in separate bedrooms and you're not going to have sex?" He laughed, "Tell me again how that's suppose to work?" 

Angel wanted to fucking strangle him. "See even Lindsey thinks it's a terrible idea," Buffy whispered from his side. 

"Hey now, I didn't say that," he backpedaled. "You both know I'm all for this, I'm just saying, why are you skipping out on all the fun parts?" 

Not justifying him with a response, she rolled her eyes as she pushed passed him to make her way into the house, their child choosing the perfect time to remind her of her small bladder. 

OoOoO

Crawling into her bed she still couldn't understand the day's events. She kept replaying every moment through her mind, as she tried to analyze it all over again. Now that she had a little bit of time away from him, doubt had found a way to sink its claws back into her. More than anything she wanted all of this to work, but the realist in her kept trying to remind her of all the times they had tried to start over before. After some huge blow out they would apologize and make all sorts of promises to one another, and things would be good… for a while anyways. But eventually everything would slowly start to fall back out of place. He would start working later, she would pull back, he would get jealous, she would get jealous and the cycle would repeat itself. 

That's what she didn't want. What they couldn't let happen. Glancing around her room, she tried to imagine their bedroom back at the house. How odd it was going to feel being there again, in their bed alone. What it was going to be like knowing that Angel was right across the hall. How it was going to feel when she saw him walk in from the office everyday. How strange that first weekend back with Connor was sure to feel. She wasn't sure what all she should take, she wasn't even sure when they were going back. He'd spouted off some nonsense about tomorrow, but she was sure he'd been joking. There was no way she could just up and move that fast. Not emotionally, nor physically.    


As if he were reading her mind, a text suddenly buzzed on her phone. "Please don't overthink it," she read. 

"Ha, ha," she typed in as a response. "I don't think that there's any way around that."

Buffy wasn't surprised when moments after she hit the send button her phone started to ring. "Are you laying there having imaginary conversations about how you plan on telling me you changed your mind and don't want to do any of this after all?"

Buffy chuckled. "No, but to be fair it's possible that I just haven't got that far yet."

"Okay, well then, what  _ is  _ on that worried mind of yours?"

After an internal debate raged on, she finally sighed and gave him a little insight into the thoughts taking over her mind now that they were apart and back in their own apartments after the strange day they'd had. 

Angel was quiet on the other end, long enough to start making her even more nervous. "I don't really think we're going to know a lot of that until we're actually in it," he finally said. "Some things we are just going to have to figure out as we go, this is new territory for both of us."

"I know. I'm just having a hard time picturing a lot of it, of what's to come."

"Me, too, Beautiful. But I try and look on the positive side right now... because to me, that's what all of this is. Getting to be back under the same roof as you, knowing you and the little one is okay... seeing Connor happy again, him getting his family back as it's supposed to... seeing you every morning and getting to come home after work to you... all of that makes me a little nervous but more excited than anything else, Buffy."

"Uh huh."

"And, I mean, Buffy... I can't promise you we are always going to be okay, that it won't be hard or awkward or whatever else. It's bound to be at times, that's just life, that's just relationships... especially rocky ones as we are in right now. I am going to mess up, I just am... and I pray you will forgive me for when I do. I may have nights when I do actually have to work later, hell I may always have moments of jealousy... but I can promise it will never, under any circumstance, be like it was before. I promise you that I won't stop trying to better myself for you, for our family."

"We've made promises before, Angel."

"I know," he said sadly. "And I know that I have probably said 'It'll be different this time' a hundred times over, but it truly is now. I came too close to having my worst nightmare come true, and it's not just you I would be losing. I can't go back to being who I was who I became... I refuse to."

OoOoO

Angel pulled up to the house on their agreed upon move in day as the evening came, cocking his head to the side as he stepped out of the car. He wasn’t sure what he had been expecting but this hadn’t apparently been on the list, Buffy just sitting there outside the house.

"I forgot that I didn't actually have a key," she told him when he got closer. 

His eyes narrowed. "So... you've just been sitting out here? Why didn't you just call? I would have come over or at least figured something out so you weren't just waiting on me."

Buffy shrugged. "I didn't want to bother you."

"You wouldn't have," he promised her, leaning down so she could take his hand, he helped pull her to her feet and then closer into his arms. 

"I might have been putting off going in there a little, too," Buffy admitted. 

Angel's eyes flickered to the house. Hell if it didn't seem more looming right now than it had in a long while. Hugging her to him another moment longer, he told her he'd unlock the front door for her then go make another copy. 

"You're just going to leave?" she asked. 

"You did say you wanted to get settled in on your own, right?" he questioned over his shoulder as he worked the key into the doorway. "I told you I would give you some space to feel everything out on your own first."

Her face looked uneasy, staring in through the now open door, back into the house that had once upon a time been her favorite place in this world. 

"Do you want me to help get your stuff inside?" 

Buffy shook her head. "I-I didn't bring a lot for today. Lindsey agreed to help with some of the heavy lifting tomorrow if I so chose."

"Do you still want me to go? I could spend an hour or so... however long you need... fiddling around the store. Or, I can stay. If you want me to. It’s up to you, Love." 

OoOoO

Stepping into the bedroom, Buffy thought she might throw up as the memories seemed to just strike at her from every direction. The good, the bad, and the ugly. 

When she had finally worked up the courage to move out she had never expected to be standing in this house, let alone in what was once their bedroom, ever again. She had stared for hours at every inch, every corner trying to commit it all to memory and it was exactly how she had remembered... minus a very few small details here and there. 

She had spent so much time since agreeing to this crazy idea of his trying to prepare for even coming in these walls, doing a trial run of this whole crazy idea of his, but she had no idea what to even do. Packing, unpacking, then doing it all over again didn't sound like the best way for her to be spending her time right now. 

Seeing Angel various times through the past week, dinner held over at Lindsey's, catching up with him after work, him stopping by the apartment just to sit and talk and spend time with her, the nights they would spend at least an hour on the phone together... none of that had really prepared her for this adventure either. Nothing had set her up enough for that image of him pulling into the drive again, of seeing him under this roof with her again. 

There was such a mixture of familiarity and uncertainty in the air around them. It felt totally surreal to actually be doing any of this in the first place. She sighed as her eyes landed on the bed, dozens of memories flashing through her mind. She remembered the first night they moved in, how they'd thrown the mattress on the floor too exhausted to put the bed together... though looking back she wasn't sure if it was due to exhaustion or their need for each other. She still blushed even thinking about that next morning, it had taken Linds years to let that one go. 

Suddenly a pair of strong arms circled her, pulling her from her thoughts. "You okay," he asked, holding her against him. He knew this was a lot, even he felt a little shaky being back here, and he wasn't the one who'd spent months here alone. 

She nodded, "I never thought I'd be back here." 

He held her a little closer, "I never thought you would either. Up until I pulled up in that driveway I kept expecting you to change your mind. I know you feel like this is too soon, but I'm glad we're here," his head fell some as he sighed, "I almost feel like your husband again." 

"You are my husband," she smiled relaxing back against him as they both seemed to take it all in. It wasn't just their bedroom, every inch of this place held some sort of memory for them. In some ways they were almost two completely different people than the young couple who decided to make this their home all those years ago, but they were the same in a lot of ways too, like she was still head over heels in love with him despite all the times she'd tried to convince herself otherwise. 

Looking around one more time she tried to imagine what it would be like once their baby was here, what it would be like giving birth here, and how Angel was supposed to fit back into the middle of it all.

OoOoO

To her surprise Angel had actually managed to get dinner ready all by himself while she was in the shower. Granted it was just spaghetti, but it was worlds away from his staple turkey sandwiches. Other than the times he would grill by the pool, she couldn't recall a single instance where he'd ever cooked before. 

"Why didn't you take the furniture," she asked, settling in next to him on the leather sectional. She didn't understand, he'd been so adamant about making sure that she took nothing from this marriage that she hadn't walked in with, but he'd hardly used any of it. All of the furniture in his condo was new, and he'd left nearly everything of theirs here. Other than the few things she had taken, his clothes, and a couple of odds and ends from Connor's room, mostly everything was still here, like some weird time capsule it was all just a reminder of what they once were. 

Shifting to make room for her, he shrugged, curling around her while his hand slipped under her shirt to rest against her growing belly. He was glad that she wanted to spend their first couple of nights here without Connor. It wasn't that he wasn't excited to bring him back here, to surprise him with Buffy, but he was grateful for this time he was getting alone with her. As hard as he tried, he couldn't seem to keep his hands to himself, being back under this roof with her caused his heart amongst other things to swell, finally he felt like he could breathe again knowing she wasn't alone in that run down apartment building. He knew they still had miles to go, but being able to hold her like this, in their home, brought him a sense of peace that he hadn't known since he walked out that door. "I couldn't do it," he breathed against her. "There was something about clearing this place out that just felt so final, like I would be tearing apart the last thing left of us." 

She twisted a little so she could see him, "Ca-Can I ask you something?" 

He nodded, resting his chin on top of her shoulder, "You can ask me anything."

"Do you think you'd still have wanted to work things out if I weren't pregnant?" 

She swallowed, that question had been plaguing her thoughts ever since his little break down at Lindsey's, not wanting to be the one to start a fight she'd let it go, but if they were going to be living back under the same roof she needed him to be transparent with her. She knew he was worried about her and the baby, and even though it was hard for her to admit, she did feel safer back here with him but she also knew a marriage couldn't survive if the only thing holding it together was the kids. 

"Buffy," he breathed against her ear. Even though they had spent quite a bit of time together this week, in an effort not to upset her he'd done his best to avoid their heavier topics. "Do you remember the first weekend we spent at the cabin?" Her eyes narrowed, but she nodded, not sure where he was going with this. 

"Lindsey had been giving me shit all week about you, apparently he'd noticed the way I always seemed to show up when I knew you were going to be around. I'd never really been the relationship type, and he knew that," he grinned as the image of Lindsey chasing him around the yard with a paintball gun crossed his mind. "I'm pretty sure he threatened me with everything he could think of if I ever hurt you. None of us had class that Monday because of the holiday so we all decided to stay out there an extra night, which sounded like a great idea until the storms started rolling in. I remember how scared you got when the wind picked up and knocked out the power." 

He closed his eyes for a minute while he let the memory wash over him, "I remember how nervous I felt whenever I heard you come sneaking up those stairs. I wanted so badly to tell you that I wasn't what you needed, that you deserved so much more than anything I had to offer… but when you slipped under those covers and curled up next to me I realized there was absolutely no way I was ever going to be able to let you go. I had nearly worked myself into a complete panic as I tried to come up with some way to tell you how I felt, to show you."

He had to bite back a grin as he listened to her breathing slowly become erratic, "It was in that moment that I realized just how deeply I cared about you. How much I loved you… and when you urged me over and I slipped inside of you for the first time, I swore to myself that I would never let you go, that I wouldn't fuck this up, that I would... that I would do everything different if I was given a real chance with you. I swore to myself over and over that I'd be the best version of myself to try and feel worthy of being with you. And I know I messed that up along the way, but it's never been my intention to hurt you or to let everything we built wind up destroyed... and it has never stopped, that wanting to be with you, to never stop trying for you."

"But you did."

Angel squeezed his arms around her just a little tighter. "I never stopped wanting you, Buffy. At least once a day I would obsess over the past, wish that I could somehow go back and change a million things I wish I had never done, I'd daydream about how we could somehow be together again... I just didn't know how at that point. I was constantly back and forth of just let you go on with your life and be free of me, and unable to stomach the idea. It felt like I was trapped in a never ending cycle of anger and misery... and then... finding out about this little one here was a shock I never saw coming. It broke me in all new ways when it came to us, he or she isn't the reason I want to be with you... but it was a kick in the ass to do something before it was too late. I never stopped loving you, I never will. I don't know how or when I would have wised up otherwise, but it would have happened. I worry it might have too late, though."

"We were getting mighty close there," she agreed softly.

OoOoO

Buffy yawned and stretched, unsure of how it had been three hours since she last glanced at the clock, she and Angel having gotten lost in discussion about all the things that had once upon a time gone wrong with them, each of them making a round of apologies, discussing how they would make sure things were different. It might have felt like going around in circles a bit, but something in the air made her feel a tingle of hope that maybe, just maybe, this time would be unlike all the others. 

Maybe too much had happened, they'd come too close to losing everything, maybe with an actual plan in place... maybe it would all help. Maybe this wouldn't wind up an utter disaster. But she wasn't putting all her eggs in one basket just yet. It was only the first day of them being back under the same house and while it felt like a load off of her shoulders to finally be here they had miles to go. 

Angel stood up after her, holding his hand out for her to take. Together they walked back upstairs and were saying their goodnight in the hallway. "This feels a little weird," she told him. 

Angel shrugged. "It's better than the alternative, and I was thinking it had some hints of back when we were dating."

Buffy smiled a little. "I guess I could see that. We weren't under the same roof though, sleeping across the hall from one another then. Nor were we married, expecting a child, living with a bunch of issues..."

Angel smiled as well, leaning in to kiss her swiftly. "One step closer to getting everything I want back though."

"Angel?"

His smile deepened. "Yes, this is exactly what I want," he answered without needing her to even finish. "This has always been what I want. You. And as time has gone on and things have changed that has gone on to include my life with you, with Connor and this little one... but it all comes back to you." Angel kissed her once more. "Thank you for being here."

OoOoO

Buffy sat propped up in the bed, still feeling as though she could just fall over but part of her was still a little too wired at the same time as she laid there, back in this room, back in this bed... alone. She was beginning to think maybe she would have been better off choosing the other guest room to avoid some of these memories. Her mind flashed through so many of the horrible nights just crying as she laid here, feeling alone and rejected, wishing Angel would just come home and then how she almost felt worse when he finally arrived. But shaking those out of her head, she could also remember right back to some of the better memories, the ones before the past year and a half and take her in the complete opposite direction. 

They had an endless amount of wonderful memories stored in these walls, too. Ones that made her smile, blush, almost wish he would try and sneak his way in here just to hold her again. 

Hearing her phone buzz, Buffy leaned over to reach for it. 

"What do you want to do tomorrow? Can I take you out to dinner in the evening?" she read across the screen. 

"Yes to dinner, unsure about the before bit. We can figure it out in the morning I guess," she sent back. 

"Okay. Goodnight, I love you."

Buffy told him she loved him as well then let the phone rest on top of her chest as she shook her head. This was going to be one hell of a ride, she thought. 

OoOoO

As morning finally came, Buffy wasn't surprised to find herself the first one up. She quietly roamed around the house, sticking her head inside Connor's room then the small one attached to the other side of the bathroom and imagined getting it ready for the baby if things in fact started to work out here. 

Next, she turned the radio on a low setting as she began making breakfast, noting that Angel had obviously stocked up on a few things before this little move in, same for what she'd noticed back in Connor's room and some items already in the nursery from his apartment, but noted that they should probably go shopping for more groceries and general supplies for the house in the next few days. 

Making use of what was already here, she had just about finished up when she felt a pair of strong arms wrap around her. "God, I missed seeing this," he whispered in her ear. Buffy closed her eyes as she felt his lip brush against the nape of her neck, slowly making a path across her shoulder. She smacked him as his teeth nipped at her before he had a chance to jump away. 

"Stop that!" she teased. Then gaped at him and repeated herself as he swiped a piece of bacon that was set to the side to cool. 

He just smiled, pulling her back into his arms and before she knew it had her swaying along with him to the music in the middle of the kitchen. "Anything I can do to help?" he asked after a moment. 

"Mmm, get some juice out if you want some maybe." 

Juice he could handle, taking a small step back, he'd been just about to let her go when her fingers bunched in his shirt, "Wait," she whispered, once again closing the distance between them. "Kiss me first…" 

OoOoO

As much as Angel had wanted to spend the day lounging around the house with her, the second time he found her spread across his lap, he knew he needed to come up with something to keep them occupied. He'd promised her slow, but damn her was far from a fucking saint here, and that little twinkle in her eye gave him the impression that she was willing to push boundaries to just to see how far he would bend before he broke. 

He watched as she took over his radio from the passenger seat, scrolling over, he grinned noticing that she was once again programming all of her favorite stations to his car. "Have you thought about where you want to go for dinner?" 

His phone rang, cutting of whatever she'd been about to say, Lindsey's name flashing across the screen under her fingertips. Angel rolled his eyes, no doubt he was calling to see how their first night back at the house went. 

"You fuck her into forgiving ya yet?"

Angel sighed as he risked a glance at Buffy out the corner of his eye. Thankfully she didn't seem too perturbed by their friend's lack of tact. "Good morning to you too, Linds." 

His laughter filled the car, "Well I guess you just answered that, it's nearly two." 

Sometimes she wondered how he ever made it through law school, he really did have the emotional maturity of a twelve year old. "You know I'm starting to think we should find you a girl of your very own. Might help you to stop obsessing over our sex life." 

"Hey, you two should be thanking me, there wouldn't be a sex life if it wasn't for me." 

"Ya, well obviously you're slacking," she mumbled, flipping down the rear view, so she could put a fresh coat of gloss on while she listened to him and Angel go back and forth for a few minutes. Apparently Angel had forgot to mention that Connor had strep throat this weekend, and of course Lindsey had a whole list of plans for them tonight. 

Lindsey huffed, "Well if we're not going to play laser tag, then we should at least still go to dinner. I mean we haven't exactly been out the damn house since before the two of you went your separate ways. I missed y'all too damnt." 

Angel winced, letting his head fall back against the seat to look at Buffy. He couldn't believe he had forgot to cancel the plans they had, though with everything going on, he wasn't exactly shocked by it either. 

Grabbing his arm, she pulled him down so she could whisper in his ear, "Oh just let him come." She grinned, turning him to face her so she could graze her lips against his. "You can make it up to me later." 

"Fine," he sighed loud enough for Lindsey to hear. "I'll text you the when and where whenever Buffy figures out where we're going."

Lindsey ignored him, "Well where are yall at now?" 

Buffy rolled her eyes again, "Goodbye Linds," she sang, reaching across her husband so she could hit the button to disconnect the call. 

"You sure don't mind about tonight," Angel asked, his hand finding hers again as they walked into the grocery store. 

She shrugged, "It's just Lindsey. I know it kind of changes the whole date idea a bit but…" she leaned onto his arm a little. "At least we get to go home together."


	16. Chapter Sixteen

He couldn't believe that out of all the places they could have gone, he was pulling up to Willy's. "You sure you want to eat here," he asked, pulling into the parking lot. "It's not too late to change your mind ya know." He knew she'd only picked this place because it was where they all used to hang out, but it wasn't exactly known for its food and she couldn't drink. Plus there was no telling how much nicotine coated the walls, thankfully they had finally banned smoking inside a few years back, but the damage had long since been done.

"Mmhmm, it'll be fun. Plus," she pointed to her rounded stomach, "We don't even have to argue about who's driving home." 

She had to admit the food was lacking, but she hadn't been back to this place since he left… and a part of her kind of missed it. Sure their burgers left a lot to be desired, and it was always loud, and way too crowded, but it was part of the experience. Mostly though, she just wanted Angel to lighten up a little, even though he tried to hide it and pretend like everything was fine, she could tell he was still a little on edge. She liked knowing that he was taking things between them seriously, and it certainly calmed her nerves to know that he really was trying, but that didn't mean she wanted him to feel like he was walking on eggshells around her. 

Lindsey was waiting for them just inside the entrance, beer already in hand. "Bout damn time y'all showed up," he drawled, his hand reaching out to rub Buffy's belly. "Come on, I got us one of those fancy new booths they had put in over the summer." 

She had never seen anything like it in her life. She'd heard that they had renovated the place, but she thought renovations were supposed to make the place look better, not worse. She felt like she had stepped back in time, the booths were all the circular ones you saw in all those old seventies films. Except these were so damn deep that the table nearly came up to her shoulder, and whoever thought pea green was a good color for a restaurant had some serious issues. 

"Are you sure this is okay," Angel asked again, scooting in beside her. 

"For the last time yes," she smiled, tilting her head against him as she watched Lindsey drag one of the chairs over. 

He winked, "Gotta give them fine things over there something to look at." He glared at Buffy, "Ya know, cure for my obsession and all." 

OoOoO

Before she knew it, hours had passed, it had taken some convincing on both their parts, but Linds finally got Angel to have a few drinks with him, and as she expected things seemed to ease a little more between them. She'd almost forgotten how he looked without all those lines of worry, or how much of a tease he could turn into. They had a little game going on below the table, well he didn't know it was a game yet, but he was about to figure it out. 

The alcohol clearly lowering his inhibitions, he'd kept pulling her hand back to his lap, it took nearly thirty minutes but she eventually managed to garner the courage to start a little exploration all her own. Shaking her hand free from his grasp, she lightly traced it along his thigh. Taking care not to give anything away to Lindsey or anyone else that might look their way, she held her breath, venturing a little further until her small fingers were able to grasp him through his slacks. 

Angel's eyes closed half way at the contact, slowly releasing a large breath of air to not lose whatever control he was hanging on to right about now. He breathed in and out once more before daring to glance her way and it took almost as much effort not to smirk at her perfectly played expression she was wearing. Also, not to moan loud enough the whole damn place would hear and turn around to look at him because of.

"I thought we were supposed to be taking things slow," he finally whispered in her ear, leaning closer to her for a moment. 

"Oh, don't worry," she whispered back, placing a kiss on his cheek. "I can move very, very slowly," she drawled and he bit back a groan and her fingers went to work on proving that very point, keeping her light grasp on him as she moved down the length of his already half ready erection. 

She answered questions coming from Lindsey, she would laugh, all of it while she slowly stroked him up and down. His pants becoming more uncomfortable by the moment, his ability to remember his promise to her about making sure they did things right with this second chance they had and that he would be the level headed one on such topics as what was going on down here jumping from one back burner to the one behind it. It had sounded like a good idea at the time but he was seriously questioning himself right about now. 

It had been a very long six months without her touch. 

OoOoO

As the night wore on, Lindsey wound up taking off from the group with one of the curly haired brunettes who had been flirting back and forth with him almost since taking their seats. Buffy had to admit it was nice seeing him back to his normal self as well as Angel, both of them looking haggard as hell for some time now. Lindsey had suffered through all of this mess in his own right and it had taken a hell of a toll on him as well. 

Those carefree laughs, joking about the past and about one another, just spending time together almost like they used to was needed more than she supposed she realized. A night out was just what they seemed to need, for a multitude of reasons. 

She was certainly enjoying being playful with Angel and had found no complaints when he'd decided two could play at their little game though he'd aired much more on the side of caution than her. No, he was doing more of the press up against her when no one was looking, brushing a hand or part of his arm against her heavy breast when reaching for something nearby, whispering things in her ear that would make her knees want to squeeze together, buckle, or both. 

"You are so fucking beautiful," Angel said dreamily from the passenger side as they were about halfway back to the house. 

Buffy blushed, one hand lacing up with his over the center console as she steered with the other. "You might be drunker than I thought," she teased back. 

Angel's head rolled against the headrest one side to the other a couple of times. "Nope, you are beautiful. No one else exists when you're around. Hell, even when you're not... no one else exists because you do. You're beautiful, and smart, and caring. You're perfect in all the ways. You deserve so much better than me, and yet I'm a selfish asshole and while I know you could probably be happier with someone else, someone better, someone who never hurt you in all the ways that I did and they never would... I don't ever want you to be. You deserve all of that and so much more... but I just want to make up for what I did do and do right I want you to not overlook what I did but... I don't know. Forgive me maybe? Or don't but still let me be part of your future? I don't know. I just want to be with you."

Buffy squeezed his hand a little tighter. She'd had nearly an identical conversation with herself a million times over. She'd told herself she deserved someone to love her in ways Angel hadn't, to be free to find someone who could give her moments that she'd never get with Angel, to be with someone who wouldn't have treated her the way he had... but she knew it wouldn't sit right anyway. He may have broken her heart in ways she wasn't so sure it'd ever fully heal from, but her heart was still in his hands and she was pretty sure nothing would ever change that fact. 

Maybe... maybe if he hadn't broken down with Lindsey and with her the way he had, if he hadn't told her he wanted another chance, and all of this that had transpired in recent times... maybe she would have tried. Someday. Maybe she would have tried to move on, to find love again, but she knew deep down there would have always been an issue. 

"You  _ are  _ with me."

"I know. I just want you to know...  _ to really know _ , Buffy. I want to be with you, I want this to work more than I've ever wanted anything. I missed you so fucking much. It hurt to breathe. It hurt to do anything." 

Buffy did her best not to cry and just focus on getting them back home. "I missed you, too, Angel. There wasn't a single day, and for a very long time not even a single moment that wasn't centered around that fact." 

Angel looked out the window. "I love you being back in the house, with me... I understand why you are worried and second guessing everything but I do want you to feel comfortable there again. I want you to really move in, not just bring an overnight bag and unpack it. I want you to learn to believe in us like you once did, to say something or do something without that little cloud of doubt sneaking in as soon as it's out there. I know it'll all take time, I just wanted you to know." 

"I'm trying," she promised.

He nodded a little. "I know, I just love you and missed you and want you to know that I'm beyond thankful you're here with me right now."

OoOoO

Angel hadn't been so sure he could trust himself to behave back at Willy's, in a room filled with people, let alone as they pulled back into the driveway of the house. His eyes followed her as she got out of the car, looking over her shoulder at him as she continued up the driveway and over to the door to unlock it with the key he'd had made for her while they were at the store earlier. 

He had been with his number of women before Buffy came into his life but he wasn't lying one bit when he told her no one else seemed to exist when he knew she was out there. Everything happened in slow motion, walking through the door behind her, his fingertips grabbing onto her, spinning her around and pinning her back against the door shutting it in the process… his mouth capturing hers as he tried to pull her even closer.

His hands moving with reckless abandon, he somehow managed to guide her legs around his waist as he made his way to their bedroom. "I got you," he managed when he felt her tense at the first step, his lips refusing to leave her for the rest of the way. 

It wasn't until he was gently lying her back on the bed that he was able to pull away from her though his hands continued to roam her every curve. "I need you to make me a promise," he panted resuming his trail down her throat. 

"Right now," she whimpered, her fingertips tangled in his hair. Her entire body humming, she was at war with herself not knowing if she should push him away or pull him closer. 

He chuckled a little against her, she was so fucking sexy. "I need you to be the strong one tonight," he pleaded, tugging her hips back against him, noticing how despite that perfect curve of her stomach he still fit perfectly against her. "I'm about to get up," he kissed her again, "And when I do, I need you to promise me that you won't answer that damn door if I try to come back."

She whimpered but he pressed his thumb to her lips before she could say anymore. "I know," he whispered, reading her thoughts, "But if I don't walk away here… you would regret it come morning beautiful, and I just don't think I could handle that." His forehead dropped down to roll against hers, "I love you," he breathed touching his lips to hers one more time and then he was gone, leaning up she watched as he slipped out their old room, making sure the door closed firmly behind him. 

Falling back against the pillows, she tried to get control of herself, but that was hard to do when her entire body was still tingling with need. She had half the mind to follow him into the spare bedroom, but he was right, he was trying to do the right thing and as much as she wanted him right now, she knew she wasn't ready… not for that. If they made love right now they would only be falling back into those same old habits, it would be so easy to pretend like everything was fine, which on the surface it may seem that way, it felt like they were headed in the right direction but they hadn't even made it through a full weekend yet. 

Unfortunately knowing all that still didn't stop her body from craving him though. Underneath it all, he was still her husband of nearly a decade, and this much time apart wasn't natural. Especially not now that they were both staying back here, she knew it was going to be difficult, but she hadn't expected it to be like this. If she closed her eyes she could almost swear she could still feel him pressed up against her. 

OoOoO

Sprawled across the bed he tried everything he could think of to get himself back in check. Imagining his grandparents naked, reciting the alphabet backwards, anything to keep his mind off the fact that his cock was still throbbing with a need he'd never known before. He needed a shower, but he didn't even trust himself to make it to the bathroom, every fiber of his being was shouting in protest, screaming at him to go make her his wife again in all the ways that mattered. 

Hearing the pipes come on, he groaned his mind drifting to images of her nude in the shower. Not knowing her every curve these days bothered him more than he ever cared to admit. Her every detail was burned into his memory, down to the little freckle on the side of her ankle. Though with the pregnancy so much had changed, and it fucking wrecked him that he no longer knew his own wife's body. Sure, he'd spent countless hours imaging it, the fullness of her breast, that perfect curve of her abdomen housing their child, the thickness of her thighs, but it was a far cry from actually knowing. 

OoOoO

She wasn't sure what she was doing, well she had an idea, but she hadn't even known she was going to go through with it until she found herself standing in the bathroom filling the tub with bubbles. Going through the motions, she stripped all of her clothes and secured one of her satin robes around her before clipping up her hair. Dimming the lights, she tried to fight the swarm of butterflies attacking her as she tested out different views and angles, trying to find the best place to prop up her phone next to the tub. 

It may be too soon for them to come back together completely, but that didn't mean they couldn't have a little fun… they were technically still married after all. Taking one last look around, she worked her bottom lip as she took a seat on the stool next to her old vanity. Scrolling through her contacts, she smiled at the fact that she had yet to change his name in her phone, pressing the little camera icon she held her breath as she waited for him to answer. 

"Hi," she smiled, recognizing that dark look in his eyes, squeezing her thighs together she had no doubt what she'd just interrupted. "Whatcha doin'," she teased innocently, barely suppressing the urge to go in there and give him a hand. 

OoOoO

Unable to stand it a moment longer, he'd just managed to tear off his clothes, thoughts of her nude merely feet away from him proving too much to bare. His hand had just begun to wrap around his angry shaft when the damn phone rang. Using his free hand, he cautiously accepted the call seeing it was her. 

Whatever words he'd been about to say caught in his throat as the image of her came into view. He groaned, this should certainly count as some form of torture. She was clearly nude under that thin excuse of a robe, and she was clearly intent on driving absolutely fucking insane tonight. 

"Currently," he smirked at her question. "Trying to pretend that my hand is yours," he whispered, catching onto her game. 

Her eyes went wide as she tried not to smile at his revelation, it had been too long since they'd been this open with one another. She missed him like this, all desperate and needy. "Let me see," she managed, her voice barely more than a whisper. 

"What are we doing here beautiful," he panted, his thick cock once again twitching in his palm. 

"Well," she grinned. "Someone left me feeling all tingly," she explained as she stood. Leaving her phone propped against the mirror so he could get the full view of her as she let the blue silk slowly slide over her shoulders and ease its way off of her body, pooling together at the bottom of her feet. 

Whatever concerns she'd had about her changing figure and how her husband who never gave a second glance toward a woman walking around with child might really react to her quickly dissolved as his eyes seemed to want to commit every last inch of her to memory as they racked over her. When his husky voice instructed her to turn around, she smiled a little and began moving slowly until she made a full circle, making sure he got a good look at her from the various angles. 

Buffy couldn't help but eat up how unhinged he looked as he took everything in. "You have no idea how badly I want to touch you right now," he told her. "It is taking everything I have in me not to rush out of here and come to you, breaking down that fucking door if need be, just to feel you again."

"I wanna see you," she whispered to him again. 

Angel's eyes scanned around him for just a moment until he began quickly rigging his phone up so she could could see his head down to what was going on in his lap while she got situated again as well, his eyes appreciative of watching her perfect form enter and get comfortable in the warm, bubble filled tub. 

"So, let's say that you did," she breathed out, "let's say that you were actually in here with me right now," she clarified, "What would you do?"

He almost felt like she was daring him which only made him groan loudly. He wasn't so sure he would be able to survive tonight let alone until whatever point it was acceptable for them to actually be together as husband and wife came. Especially if she kept teasing him like she seemed so damn determined to be. 

Angel swallowed though, thinking it over for a moment before answering and being rewarded with Buffy playing out his little fantasy with her own hands in front of him. 

Buffy's breasts floated out of the water, her palms trailing down her chest to rub over the twins before cupping them, pulling them higher as she gave a little squeeze. His hand mimicked the motion in his own way, moving his hands along his aching dick, tightening his fingers just so when she closed her eyes. He watched as her fingers found her twin peaks, rolling her harden nipples between her thumb and middle finger, sighing out his name as a few bubbles popped around her head. 

Leaving one hand at her breasts, her other sunk lower into the water, following his lead with the imaginative step by step. Her free hand made its way down her swollen stomach and to the top of her thigh, her legs opening wider as she continued to explore. Buffy was already trembling at the first brush of her thumb against her clit and he wondered just how sensitive his favorite areas of this goddess he was utterly, endlessly obsessed with were right now due to the pregnancy. 

By just the look on her face he knew the moment she slipped a finger inside of her body, then added another digit. He whispered to her to imagine him inside of her as she watched and fell into rhythm with him, his hand moving quickly, craving release in ways he couldn't even begin to describe at this point. Thankfully, it didn't take much more for Buffy to push herself over that edge, her body jerking, water splashing around her, her legs squeezing together quickly just moments before he felt his own self lose complete control of everything and he started seeing colorful spots dancing in front of him. 

OoOoO

Buffy had just finished getting dressed when her eyes drifted over to the door, he didn't even need to knock for her to know he was there. Her pulse quickened as she made her way closer, her hands reaching out to touch the heavy wood. She could damn near picture him doing the same on the other side, his forehead resting against it, her breathing heavy. 

"I'm sorry, Buffy," he finally spoke, nearly making her jump from the sudden noise. "I'm sorry for everything and I will tell you that every day until the end of time if I need to. I'm sorry that things are the way they are but I love you. I've always loved you, from the second I laid eyes on you for the first time everything in my life seemed to change, and I'm always going to love you."

A tear fell from her eyes at the heartbreak in his voice and she nearly grabbed for the door before she heard him reading her mind, telling her not to again. He promised he would try and get some sleep and have better self control tomorrow before telling her he loved her once more. 

Buffy stayed exactly as she were for about fifteen minutes after he retreated back to the other room, dying to rush to him even more than she thought she had when they had bid each other farewell earlier in the evening. 

OoOoO

Busy cracking eggs and working on breakfast once the sun had waken her from restless slumber, Buffy took a moment to send Lindsey a text asking him if he was still willing to help move some of the bigger items from her apartment back to the house one evening in the coming week. She didn't expect any response for at least a couple more hours so sat her phone back off to the side and got back to work on breakfast. 

Speaking to the ever growing bump in the middle of her body, Buffy tried really hard to see if she felt intuition about gender either way, and to imagine what it would be like to actually have some tiny little infant in her arms, sleeping in a crib not far from where she stood with Connor in the room beside him, or maybe a tiny little baby boy or girl in a swing where she could keep an eye on them as she made one of these big weekend breakfasts for everyone. 

She'd spent so much time imagining such things back in the apartment and now she was trying to get used to the idea of what ifs, what if things did actually work out with her and Angel this time, if she stayed, if they stayed... if they went about raising this little family of theirs together, in this house... 

Not surprising her much, Angel made his appearance as she was finishing up, strong arms wrapping around her. "You have a talent for that, you know, waking up just in time," she teased, not for the first time, or probably hundredth. 

"Mmm, what can I say, sex and bacon are a sure fire way to get me up," he said with a wink as she turned to face him. 

Buffy wrapped her arms around his neck. "Well, I do have bacon," she teased lightly. 

Angel smirked, pulling her into a deep kiss that already had her body craving more. All night long she'd tossed and turned and fought with herself about whether or not she should go crawling off into bed with him. After their little bathroom adventure and the things he'd said to her through the door, his side of the bed sure felt awfully empty when she finally managed to crawl back between those covers. 

She pulled away just as he backed her against the counters edge, "I've been thinking," she breathed out as he continued leaving a trail down the side of her neck. "Mmm, should I be worried," he teased, leaning down to rest his forehead against her. He'd promised himself that he was going to keep it together today, but the images of her from last night were still at the forefront of his mind, and now that he'd caught a glimpse of just how beautiful she was beneath all those layers… well he was dying to know how she felt. 

Working her bottom lip between her teeth, she tried to push down the bought of nerves threatening to overtake her. It was one thing to imagine this conversation, it was another thing entirely to be having it. 

Angel grew a little concerned the longer they stood there, he could tell there was something on her mind, and he could only hope she wasn't having any second thoughts after last night. 

"What if," she swallowed as she struggled to put the words together.

"Yes," he whispered, popping a kiss to the tip of her nose. 

"What if I said I didn't want to fall asleep without you anymore." The words rushed from her lips so fast she hadn't even been sure he had understood her until his face lit up, rewarding her with one of those breathtaking smiles he rarely shared. 

His fingers digging into her hips, he easily lifted her onto the counter top closing all the distance between them as her thighs spread to accommodate his large form. 

"Are-Are you sure," he asked, even though every cell inside of him was telling him not to question it. To just roll with whatever she said, but he'd made her that stupid fucking promise, and no matter how hard it is was he intended to keep it. 

She let out a long deep breath as she let her head fall against the curve of his neck, "I think so," she mumbled against him, her breath tickling that little sensitive spot below his ear. 

She lifted her head so she could see him again, "I know it's only been a couple of days," she started, "And I also know how much harder it will make the whole look but don't touch thing we have going on, but…"she trailed off. 

"But what," he pressed, leaning in for another quick kiss. 

Her fingers tangled in the small hairs on the back of his head as she tried to keep the sudden stream of tears behind her eyes from falling. "I miss you," she finally managed just as her bottom lip began to quiver. 

"These last few days have been so absolutely perfect that when I wake up in the mornings there's a few seconds there that I have to remind myself this all hasn't been some dream," she whispered as the first tear fell. " But I'm still so scared that some switch in you is just going to flip, and you're going to remember that it's not me you want. That I really am going to wake up one day to one of our many endless arguments," she paused for a second as she wiped at her eyes. "I keep waiting for you to lose interest in all this, me, the baby, this whole family thing... but even so I don't think I can go to sleep without you one more night." 

Angel fought his own rush of emotions as he stood there holding her in his arms, "Shh, please don't cry beautiful," he whispered, tucking a stray strand of hair back behind her ear. He hated how much she still doubted him, it cut him up to know that she still thought there was a possibility he was going to change his mind. "I could never lose interest in you Buffy." 

His hands slipped beneath one of his old shirts to rest against her growing bump, "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on, and seeing you like this, carrying our child, it's changed things in me that I won't even pretend to know how to explain." He sighed stroking his hand down her back, "I know it's going to take time, but I swear to you there's nothing I want more on this earth than to be your husband again. I'm not going anywhere," he promised, "Not unless you make me."

That got him a small grin, "I love you," he told her using his thumb to brush away some of the moisture around her eye. "I love you too, she managed once she was able to trust her voice again. 

Needing to convey his feeling in some way other than words, he slowly inched her back to him, capturing her lips, he teased her in the way that he knew made her crazy before finally relenting and deepening their kiss. 

Groaning he pulled back just enough to get words out, "Tell me again about how this whole no touching thing is supposed to go tonight." 

"Well," she smirked as her fingers began toying with the waistband of his sweats. "I don't think we agreed on  _ NO _ touching, just no sex," she whispered purposely brushing her fingers across his growing manhood. 

They weren't in public this time, letting his head fall back he briefly tried to figure out how he'd so quickly gone from his little pep talk in the bathroom this morning about keeping his shit together, to not even less than ten minutes later having her damn near palming him in the middle of the kitchen. "Mmm, is it too early for bed," he half joked, not opposed in the slightest to carrying her off and finding out for himself just how far these new limitations could be stretched. 


	17. Chapter Seventeen

Lindsey's head was pounding, and his fucking phone was dead, but he'd somehow managed to wake up at the ass crack of dawn on a Sunday no less to help Buffy get some of her stuff moved. He still didn't understand why in the hell she couldn't just hire a couple of movers, but he wasn't trying to start any arguments now that she finally seemed to be listening to what he'd been saying all along. 

Pulling up in his old spot, he paused for a second before getting out just to take it all in. He hadn't been back to this house since he helped Angel, who also didn't believe in a damn moving company, though even then she hadn't been here. No, the last time all three of them were together here had to of been at Thanksgiving, and looking back now, that felt like a couple lifetimes ago. 

Grabbing his dead cell, he climbed from the car after checking his reflection quickly and trying not to grimace. He had been more than a little tempted to bail out and have them wait another weekend, but then again he didn't want to cause any unneeded stress right now if it could be helped. They'd had more than their fair share of that. Him, too. Thankfully Buffy had already went over the majority of what she wanted to bring right now and it wasn't like she was moving her whole apartment over today so he hoped he'd manage well enough. 

OoOoO

Hearing Lindsey's voice and footsteps getting closer, Angel swore under his breath, making Buffy chuckle darkly. Her hand didn't retreat from his pulsating flesh still, and he wasn't going to be one to tell her to stop by any damn means, his eyes squeezed shut and he tried to ignore the fact his best friend had started for the kitchen rather than giving them a little more time of privacy by looking upstairs, or literally anywhere else, for them. 

Buffy's fingers waited until the last possible moment to pull away and he felt his body shiver from the loss. "You're killing me,'' he whispered, dragging her body closer to attempt to hide the raging hard on from Lindsey as he greeted the room. 

"Hi, Lindsey," Buffy smiled wickedly. He grumbled, walking over to the table and taking a seat, letting his head fall down to the hard wood with an audible thud. "Hard night?" she guessed and he just held up a hand, not bothering to look their way right now. 

Angel pressed hard against Buffy which made her bite back a moan and swat at his shoulder. "Mmm, I think I'm going to run and take a shower real quick," he said, his eyes narrowing at his minx of a wife. 

Buffy reached over and grabbed a few pieces of bacon. His eyes twinkled as he opened his mouth, taking a quick bite. "I'll have a plate ready for you when you're done," she said softly. "Enjoy."

"Uh huh, this can and will be continued later," he kissed her quickly before she started asking Lindsey if he was hungry. 

OoOoO

"Could you explain to me one more time why in the hell it is you don't just pack this place up and move everything back to your house?" Lindsey asked, following Buffy through the apartment she'd been calling home since moving out in the first place. "Just wasting the money and having everything you're not bringing back just sit here all useless doesn't make the most sense is all I'm sayin.'"

Buffy sighed, taking a seat for a moment as she stared around the small place. Truth be told it hadn't been entirely horrible here, she'd made a number of memories - and not all of them bad - in her short time here and those were forever going to be cherished no matter what the other circumstances were. She also wouldn't miss it, though, either. 

"Because there's no guarantee that Angel and I are actually going to make things work," she told him. "We're trying, and that's still mind blowing to me, but if we just wind up where we were to begin with then I'd like to have at least some security about that other future. There's not exactly that many great options for housing in this town that are in my price range, are considered safer areas, that are going to be all that open to a young, single, teacher with a newborn..."

Lindsey rubbed his eyes. "Having some sort of back up plan just feels... I don't know. It don't feel right. It's like you expect it to not work out so you just leave this place intact so you can just wave goodbye and run off back here."

Buffy sighed. "We just got back together, Lindsey, and we don't know what's going to happen. We're still figuring this out and trying to prepare for a new child in the mix while working through everything... it's not clear, cut and dry. I don't expect us to fall apart and with everything that I have inside of me I am praying and wishing and hoping that we don't fall into the same cycle as we always have. I want this to work out, to be some magical second chance to be what we're supposed to be. But there's a realist side screaming at me, too. It's small... but it is mighty, Linds. I just don't want to be blindsided at the worst possible time. I'm taking what I need and you know, as time goes on, I will probably be coming over here and grabbing more and more... and eventually, yeah, I'll hopefully feel like I don't need this as some sort of net to caught me from falling on my face or whatever."

Lindsey debated for a moment, his head looking back out into the hall to see where Angel was before looking back at his blonde best friend. "Are you aware of what  _ he  _ did?"

Buffy shrugged. 

"All this week after work and when he wasn't off diddle daddling around with you, he was packing up his place. And dragging me along in it. He paid out his contract, too, but he moved out. Everything from his condo was removed and it's all sitting in either your guys' garage or it's over in my shed."

That seemed to give her some pause but she still shook her head. "That doesn't mean he's more in this than me, Lindsey. If anything look at it as he has more options if shit goes sideways... including the fact that the house is his."

Lindsey rolled his eyes. "Fine, fine. I'm just voicing my opinion. Take from it what you want. You two worked out all the baby stuff about who's what is going where?"

"Huh?" 

"You both got all this shit... you got a crib, he got a crib, you got a stroller, he got a stroller... so on so forth."

"Yeah, for the most part, at least on some of those bigger items we kind of compared and worked it out. Actually having two of some of these things sounds like it'll be kind of helpful like we don't have to switch car seats back and forth between the cars annnnd we were talking about setting a couple things up at your house," she said with a wink.

"You wanna do what now?"

"And maybe we could put some stuff over at the cabin? Just for extras so every time we head out that way we aren't practically taking everything but the kitchen sink."

Lindsey's eyes narrowed for a moment. "Times are a'changin'," he finally said with a shake of his long dark hair. 

Buffy smiled at him. "That they are, but you know... I kind of like it. I like thinking about outings as a family, thinking about going and doing some of our favorite things but getting to share them with Connor and this little one. Gives it all a new meaning."

"Yeah, well, I think it's supposed to..."

"Now we just gotta get you all settled down and-"

He held up a hand to silence whatever she planned to say, " Don't even start, I have enough stress dealing with you two and your boat load of issues. I don't think I could handle having to go home and deal with my own." 

Her face turned down into a small frown, sometimes she still felt bad that he was stuck so far in the middle of their mess. Not that he hadn't asked for it, but still she knew it probably wasn't an easy place to be. Lindsey had never really been the relationship type, even growing up she could only recall a couple girls who'd ever actually earned the title of girlfriend, and none of them had lasted more than a few weeks. 

Lindsey was more the 'what you see is what you get' type. He didn't put up any false pretenses, and every woman he took to his bed knew beforehand that she was never going to become Mrs. Mcdonald. Lindsey enjoyed his space, he'd never really had a problem being alone, and in a lot ways she truly sympathized with whatever woman had to deal with his ocd tendencies, but even though he always brushed the conversation away she still held a little hope inside her that there was still a girl out there just waiting for him to find her. 

OoOoO

Thankfully things at her apartment had gone rather quickly once the guys started loading everything into the back of Lindsey's pickup. She'd been a little worried that Angel was going to get upset seeing just how much she was actually planning on leaving, but he hadn't seemed like he'd been very bothered by it, of course his mind also seemed to be occupied on other things even pulling her off with him to the bathroom a few times just to kiss her. 

Lindsey let it go for a while but the last time he'd finally come pounding on the door, hollering something about how the sooner they got everything loaded, the sooner they could all go back to the beds they so obviously craved. That had made her blush a bit, as nervous as she was about the night ahead of them, she couldn't help but acknowledge that small tingle of excitement she felt either. 

She was fairly certain Angel had been seconds away from picking her up and carrying her back up their stairs all over again, and if she was being really honest, in that moment she wasn't so sure she would of had any objections. He'd been right though, last night when he told her that he knew she would've regretted them making love. It wasn't that she didn't want to, they had always been an extremely affectionate couple, never able to keep their hands off each other for long, and naturally that rolled over into the bedroom. 

That's where she guessed all that awkwardness she kept feeling between them was stemming from. He was playing it safe, which she appreciated, but just because she wasn't ready for them to make love didn't mean she didn't physically miss him. Last night standing at that door she'd nearly started crying because of how badly she wanted to go crawl into that bed with him, just to be able to touch him, to feel him up against her as she fell asleep. She never felt safer than when she was in his arms, but it wouldn't have been fair to run after him like, he was only trying to do what she'd asked, what she'd made him promise, and that would have felt too much like setting him up for failure with how needy they both seemed to be at the time. 

She watched them make their way back in the kitchen after the last box was unloaded into the hall, after nearly tripping coming down the steps at her apartment she'd been put under strict orders by both of them to stay put once they got back to the house. For a split second a memory from the day she moved out crossed her mind, but she quickly shook it away smiling brightly at the two of them as Angel came to sprawl out on the couch, carefully lying his head across her lap resting it against the ever growing bump between them. 

Her fingers easily found their way into his hair while they watched as Lindsey first chugged one bottle of water, before taking another one out and going straight for the medicine cabinet. "Uhh," Buffy grimaced. "You might want to check the expiration on all that stuff," she tried to warn, but Linds just shrugged his shoulders and popped two of the capsules in his mouth. He was getting too damn old to party all night and still be expected to act like a functioning member of society the next day. 

"Well since the two of you wouldn't let me do hardly anything," she started, glaring between the both of them. "I figured the least I could do was make the two of you dinner, so say the words and I'll make whatever you want." She glanced back at Linds, "Even those stuffed shells you love so much that I absolutely loathe making." 

She wasn't sure she'd ever actually seen anyone turn green before, but that was the only thing she could think of to describe the look on his face. He took another sip of the cool water before shaking his head, "As much as I'm probably going to hate myself for saying this Buf, I think I'm going to have to pass. The thought of all that sauce and cheese coming back up just don't very pleasant." 

"Gross."

"At least I'm honest," he smirked back at her. "I actually think I'm going to head out, gotta big day with your boy there in court tomorrow, don't think the judge would be too pleased if I showed up lookin' like this… I need some time to sleep this shit off," he added as he searched for his keys on the counter. 

Angel tossed them his way, after shifting around so he could pull them from his pocket. "Might want to try a shower too," he teased, just as Lindsey's fingers wrapped around the metal. 

They went back and forth for a couple more minutes, but Lindsey didn't waste much more time before telling them goodbye, his bed calling his name. "Any particular thing you want me to make," she asked, looking down as she lightly traced around his brow. From what all she'd heard from Connor he hadn't been eating right or taking the best care of himself these last few months. 

"Take outs quicker," he smirked, wanting nothing more than to pick up where they'd left off this morning when they were so rudely interrupted. Not that he hadn't thoroughly enjoyed the way her tiny hands slipped inside his boxers so unexpectedly, but his ego was having a hard time dealing with the fact that he still hadn't had a chance to touch her, not in any of the ways that mattered anyway. 

"Mmm, nice try," she giggled, "But burgers and pizza are not always the answer no matter badly you wish that they were."

"Says you," he tossed back, earning another grin and a shake of the head from Buffy in the process. 

OoOoO

Finally having decided on an easy sheet tray meal to toss in the oven, Buffy had done most of the work for dinner but Angel had insisted on the clean up afterward. Once upon a time the two of them had a standing rule about such but it had been one of the many things that had fallen to the wayside over the years and had been all laid on her to handle. It was nice to have a break, that was for sure, and she hadn't even had to utter a word about it either. 

Once everything was squared away again and the two of them had gone through the house switching any lights off as needed, Buffy found herself wrapped up in Angel's arms once again as they stood in front of their bedroom door. "Are you sure about this?" he asked one final time. 

Her head nodded. "I know there's a lot we have to work through still, and not rushing absolutely everything is for the best here, but I've spent too many nights away from you already and the idea of you so close but so far away is not helping a thing."

"I know all too well what you mean," he whispered. 

OoOoO

Angel found himself mimicking the previous evening, lifting her up against him and carrying her inside their bedroom, easing he down on the bed as his body hovered above, his hands and lips roaming her body... although he was a bit more in control, a little less desperate than he was last night. 

He was bound and determined to rectify all issues that he was carrying around inside of him when it came to no longer knowing every last detail of her changing body. Last night had not been enough, seeing her through a small screen of a telephone was nothing more than a tease compared to seeing her splayed out before him, being able to reach out and touch her, commit every new change to memory. 

Beyond that, Angel knew he needed more than just words between them. He poured every ounce of himself into every kiss, every touch, every dark look her way. He needed her to know beyond words how badly he had missed her, how endlessly sorry he was for everything that had happened between them, to promise her everything was going to be different, better, now. 

His fingertips fell in love with the softness of her skin underneath them as if it was the first time he'd had the pleasure of touching her all over again, exploring every new curve that came with this miraculous pregnancy, learning how his touch effected her differently these days... Buffy would already start shivering with the slightest brush of his hand or as his breath would tickle against her skin and he could only imagine how far he could take things with her tonight, and hopefully in the future.

He couldn't for the life of him understand how he'd even survived the past six months, let alone the idea of having her again just to have to go through that again in the end. 

OoOoO

Buffy found that morning came all quickly, the blaring alarms going off together for the first time in what felt like forever. Buffy groaned, snuggling closer to the warm body beside her. "Mmm," was all she could manage, sure she was still nothing but a puddle after last night. Getting up and having to function like a normal adult seemed impossible, she just wanted to lay here, enjoy the floating feeling she still had swirling inside of her, and repeat it all over and over while the rest of the world faded away. 

Angel's lips found her forehead, brushing against her gently, his hands roaming over her body, only a thin sheet covering her... the two of them having been too exhausted and caught up in one another to bother with clothes after. Maybe it had been just too long without him, maybe it was the pregnancy hormones, but she was pretty sure she'd never came so hard as she did last night. Angel had worshiped every inch of her body with his far too talented fingers, his warm mouth, and she was pretty sure the neighbors' had heard her moans and cries for him the entire time. 

Her hands had shook and trembled the entire time she had reached for him, craving the feel of him in her palm again, needing him to be on the same high he'd taken her to. When she had guided him to her center, her hands stroking up and down his length, the angry head of his manhood just barely pushing against her she wasn't so sure how long she was going to hold on to any fraction of the logical reasoning. And she knew damn well how much she was tempting fate on his end, but she ate every bit of it up, how he had forced himself still, his jaw clamping shut, teeth grinding together, his uneven breathing matching hers as her small hands worked him. 

Being rolled to her back then feeling Angel back on top of her, Buffy moaned, her hips rising against him, pulling her out of memories of last night very much into the present. His lips trailed down the side of her neck, across her collarbone, and she warned him they would both be late if he kept this up. 

"Mm, why does it have to be Monday already?" he mumbled. 

"That is a very excellent question," she told him, smiling once he was face to face with her once more. "I'm not so sure I am going to be the most focused I've ever been today."

"You got minds to mold, woman. You can't live with your head in the gutter!" he joked, dodging out of the way just in time before she playfully smacked at him. 

Looking at his naked form she raised an eyebrow. "Easier said than done."

OoOoO

Getting dressed seemed like it took an extra hour when you had a sexy, half naked, pregnant wife sharing the room with you. It seemed as though every time he finally got his pants zipped and buttoned, her fingertips would reach for him, undoing all that hard work, getting him all worked up again. He didn't know how many times he'd carted her off to sit her atop the sink counter, found a wall to pin her against, thought about calling into the office and using any excuse to not come in today. 

And just the same, he'd help her zip the back of her dress up only for her to fix her hair then he would slowly lower it again, tasting each newly exposed inch of flesh as he went. 

When he had just about - finally - gotten completely dressed, Buffy straightened his tie and smoothed out his shirt. She seemed to be teasing with the idea of undoing them when she asked, "A-are you going to be home for dinner?" 

Pulling her to him, his hands skimmed her thighs, slipping beneath the smooth fabric of her dress, his fingertips dug into the soft flesh of her hips, lifting her clear off the ground again he blindly guided her back to the familiar counter top. 

Dinner felt like an eternity away, "Let's call in," he pleaded, barely pulling away from her long enough to get the words out. Fuck it, he didn't give a damn about anything he was supposed to do today, all he wanted was her. Those few short hours they had got to spend together last night becoming reacquainted with one another not nearly long enough. Especially not with the way she kept insisting on driving him absolutely mad this morning, he could already feel that familiar ache building in his groin, it was sure to make one painful day if he didn't get some relief. 

She giggled, slipping her tongue back between his lips teasing him for a moment longer. "You know it's too late to get a substitute," she reminded him, her fingers brushing against him, working his rigid outline through his slacks. 

"Tell them the car won't start." 

She hadn't even realized how much she missed this, how much she missed him all crazy and full of need.

For the first time in a long time that heavy cloud of sadness didn't grab hold of her the moment she got lost in those mahogany eyes. It was definitely a hard line to toe, knowing how far was too far and such when you were husband and wife was no easy task. Though she had to admit, it was nice to feel like his again, to know there were more than just words between them. She didn't want to fall back into old habits, but she couldn't very well ignore this need inside of her forever, and she couldn't expect him to either. 

"It's Monday," she reminded him again. "You know Lindsey will kill you if you stick him with all the pro bono stuff." 

He groaned again as her tiny fingers slipped inside the opening of his zipper, there was no way he was going to be able to make it through the damn day. Securing her in his arms, he waited until her legs instinctively wrapped around him to lift her up and carry her the short distance back to their bed. 

Depositing her on the bed, he smirked as he watched her full breast bounce when she fell back. He was quickly learning how much he enjoyed her body swollen, and pregnant with his child. He went to work pulling at his tie, his belt, racing to undo everything, cursing himself for already having wasted so much time. 

The corner of his mouth ticked up, flashing her one of those little half smiles she loved so much. 

"We're going to be late." 


	18. Chapter Eighteen

Angel slipped into the office just shy of ten o'clock. It wasn't like there was anyone bold enough to chew his ass, but being so late for a board meeting was sure to cause a few frowns, not that he could bring himself to give a single fuck. Nodding to Lindsey he slipped into a chair towards the back of the room. Lindsey's eyes never left him, following his every move burning what felt like holes into the side of his head, that famous shit eating grin plastered across his face, making it apparent that he was fully aware of what he'd been up to, or at least he thought he was. 

Not that it mattered, he didn't care if the whole damn room knew, at least then he'd be able to leave, drag Buffy out of that damn classroom and carry her right back to their bed where they belonged. He tried to pay attention to what was going on, he needed to atleast have half an idea of what he was facing this afternoon in court, but no matter how hard he tried to stop the memories from invading his mind, he couldn't seem to push all those images of her trembling beneath away. 

This morning he'd fully intended to behave himself, to get dressed and walk out that door with a promise to see her for dinner tonight. But when her fingers went to teasing him for the umpteenth time, he'd finally snapped. Last night when she'd guided him across her center, it had taken everything fiber of his being to control himself, to not break every single promise he'd ever made her about being in control, about being strong enough for the two of them, being the one wouldn't let her cross the line. 

Then this morning, he just hadn't been able to resist tempting fate all over again. He had put her and their relationship second to this damn place so many times, they'd deserved those extra hours. He'd fully intended to make things quick, but when she fell back on those soft sheets he'd known he was a goner.

Once again he'd ridded them of every single offending article of clothing between them. He was sure the sight of her nude, that perfect curve of her stomach, her face twisted in pleasure, his name falling from her lips was going to be burned into his memory for all of eternity. 

Devoured, that was the only word he could think of to describe what he'd done to her this morning. Staving off his own release, he hadn't even allowed her to touch him until he'd felt her trembling, dripping on his tongue for the third time. The pregnancy making her so sensitive, she was capable of little more than soft gasps and groans by the time he'd had his fill. 

Then after she'd had a few minutes to recover, she wasted no more time, pushing him to his back, engulfing his very angry aching manhood into the back of her warm throat. Once upon a time it had been her favorite way to wake him, well on the days that he didn't get to her first that was.

OoOoO

She hated lying, unlike her husband, she had a horrible poker face. At the time she hadn't been concerned about what she would tell her higher ups, or her students for that matter. All of those worries had taken a back seat to the things Angel was doing to her body, those heights he insisted on pushing her to over and over again. It felt nice knowing that he was still just as attracted to her all pudgy and pregnant. 

Walking through the administration office over two hours late, almost made her regret their carelessness… almost. She wouldn't really call many of her co-workers friends perse, they were all more like acquaintances and she wasn't even sure that any of them were aware of her and Angel's split. Not that she could have used their escapades this morning as an excuse anyways, she could see Snyders face now, beet red and about to explode just before he fired her. 

If things between her and Angel continued to improve as they had been, if they somehow found themselves together on the other end of all this mess, then she was seriously considering seeking Angel's thoughts on her staying home for a year or so to focus on this new journey, on these changes in their lives... both with this new version of motherhood she was facing and with working out how to really make this second chance with Angel and their family come together. It was a hard thing for her to imagine doing because she truly did love her job and she loved these kids so much but it had just been something calling to her for some time now. She knew eventually she would need to return to her love of teaching but in her heart she felt like Connor as well as this little one on the way might fair better with a shift of this nature. 

It had even been something she had toyed with just back when Connor had come into their lives, in the middle of when he first arrived and when shit really seemed to kick up to their worst with her and Angel and everything going on with their marriage. 

She was already looking forward to starting maternity leave to be honest, a little less stress after everything that had been going on, being able to just relax some, focus on what she truly felt about where she and Angel might be when the time came. 

For now, however, she just had to get through trying to explain away why she was late coming in today and going about teaching young minds without losing her own in the process. It was feeling nearly impossible to think of anything except Angel and how this morning had gone, though.

OoOoO

The day seemed to drag on between work and Lindsey being all up his business but finally he was on his way home. Buffy had texted him a couple times quickly throughout the day to know she hadn't been too chewed out once she got in to work given Snyder wound up not even being in office today and the acting principal for the day didn't seem to know which way was even up, when she was on her lunch break, and once more when she had gotten home from work. He still missed her in a whole new way after this morning, after this weekend, after the past fucking year but God, did it feel good to have these little reminders that she cared about his dumb ass again, that she was his, that they were trying.

He couldn't even remember the last time she'd even bothered to check in with him like this before everything fell apart, it had been so long and they'd drifted so damn apart. 

He quickly sent her one back stating he was on his way before starting a follow up one when Connor called and interrupted him. Thankfully the poor kid had gotten to feeling at least a little better and had his voice back and the two got to catch up as he headed back to the house, he was so excited about the idea of being back in the old house and everyone being together again and ate up every detail that he was given about how things were going so far. 

"I can't wait to see my room again, sleep in my bed..." Connor exclaimed. "Oh, and the nursery, the new one! Seeing Buffy, oh I bet she has so many ideas for us to get the house back together and I can't wait for us to do things as a family again," he started and went on for about five minutes about everything he missed from the old house and couldn't wait to see and do again before pouting how long he still had to wait. 

Angel sighed before saying that he would see about calling Darla later and asking her if he couldn't make up for this past weekend that they missed because of him being sick this coming weekend, and still get to have his regular weekend the next one. It was a lot to keep him apart from after all... He greatly doubted Buffy would mind, or Darla either for that matter, but he wanted to discuss it with her before making any large plans like that without her. 

Part of him was terrified to bring him in, give him his family again, get all those hopes and dreams up just to mess it up and have him lose it all again but more than that he just wanted to let him experience it for as long as he could no matter how things wound up in the end. He deserved that, whatever memories they could make for however long. 

Even if everything went to hell in a hand basket again.

That seemed to cheer the little one up and they continued to catch up on everything going on nearly the whole drive. As much as he had enjoyed having Buffy almost all to himself this weekend, he couldn't deny that at times it felt like something was missing from the picture and he had thoughts strike him here and there the past few days about how weird it felt not having this again - finally - without his son... their son. 

OoOoO

"I hope you're hungry," Buffy called over her shoulder as she heard Angel nearing the kitchen. She hated it but did have to admit that she had felt rather nervous after she had gotten home and as she did a few little things around the house before starting to work on dinner. The weekend had been wonderful, more than she could have even expected, but there was something about them returning to work, having a little more 'normal' in their lives than the move and coming back together with your ex and all that made her anxious about what would happen. 

Of course she knew that sometimes things happened, people worked late all the time or they got caught up in something, went out with friends or family and it didn't mean the end of the world, and a million other things but it felt like tonight had so much weight behind it. She didn't know how or when this weird feeling in the pit of her stomach would go away but she figured it wasn't bound to overnight. 

Hearing him say he was on his way home, then having him walk through the door and wrap his arms back around her at least helped for this particular evening. He was here and that's what mattered today. 

Buffy had just turned the stove back off when her pulled her back against him, his lips teasing down the side of her neck. "Starved," he muttered, his voice low, making her entire body start to hum. "I've missed you."

Buffy's eyes closed as she melted into him, his hands resting on her enlarged stomach before daring to explore the rest of her. 

It wasn't long before she felt her dress being unzipped, Angel's hands helping slide the soft material from her shoulders, and how it felt lowering until the discarded clothing pooled at her bare feet. 

"Dinner's going to have to wait," Angel whispered close to her ear. 

"Is that so?" 

"Well, I do have a deep desire to place you on that table instead." 

Her hands tangled with his over her stomach as their baby wiggled around. This morning Angel had laid there mesmerized by the small bumps and rolls, it had made them almost half an hour later than what they would have already been, but she didn't care, she wouldn't have traded a second of it. Seeing him excited about the pregnancy, about the baby, loving the way his hands always seemed to find their way to her growing belly when she least expected it, all of it was a big part of why she found herself falling for this husband of hers just a little further each day. 

"Mmm," she spun in his arms so her lips could tease back at him, blazing their own trail up his neck, back to him. "I think I might be a little too pregnant for that right now," she grinned up at him, even after all this time, every once in while she still found herself shocked at the way he towered over her, completely encompassing her small form as though he could wrap his arms around her, trapping her there forever. 

'Challenge accepted' Angel thought, hauling her up into his arms. She might be eight months pregnant, but she was still a tiny little thing, in no way was she too big for their mahogany table to hold. He felt her tense again, and he hated that she could even think he might drop her. She may be a solid twenty pounds heavier, but that was nothing, and over the years he'd held her in much more difficult positions without ever hurting her. "Relax," he found himself whispering in her ear for the third night in a row. "I'd never let anything happen to you," he promised, brushing his lips against hers as he sat her on the tables edge.

As he'd known it would be, work was nothing short of torture. He was terrible in court, nearly embarrassed himself in front of the judge, mixed up a couple of his case numbers, then to top it all off two of his cases had been reassigned to Thursday which was always a heavy day as it was. Normally after a day like today he would be drowning his frustrations over a nice bottle of scotch, but not this day. No, that taste of her had been calling to him all day. All he could think about, all he could see was her spread out before him. The way she felt those few seconds she guided his hard cock between her folds, how badly he wanted to enter, how easy it would have been. 

Her nimble hands were already working his tie, expertly ridding him of the garment before going to work with the buttons on his shirt. Yanking on the lapels she freed the material from his slacks so she could push it down over his broad shoulders. She tried to reason with herself, telling herself that this behavior was perfectly acceptable given their circumstances, even if they were supposed to be going slow. 

Though, the truth of the matter was that she was slipping in a bad bad way. She'd spent the majority of her day, basically every moment she wasn't giving a lesson, getting lost in the fantasy of being with him again. Of truly feeling him fill her the way that only he could, how he would feel inside of her now that she was pregnant, but not only that, he was her husband despite the mess they'd found themselves in she missed that connection even if it was their kryptonite. 

His fingertips hooked in the small strip of elastic beneath the lace of her panties, sliding them around the smooth curve of her ass he took a small step back to work them off her ankles. "I love you," she whispered, looking at him almost like she used to, before he screwed everything up. He loved seeing that look on her face, but it also fucking cut him up.

"I love you more," he promised, dropping a single kiss to the inside of her knee. 

His palms crawled up her thighs as she instinctively wrapped her legs around him, hooking her ankles the best she could. Wrapping one of his large hands around her neck, his fingers tangled in her hair he tugged her even closer to him. Capturing her lips, his tongue slipped inside the pink seam just as she gasped his name. 

She felt his talented fingers working the snap of her bra easily flicking the clasp, he let it fall to the floor below their feet. Cupping her swollen mounds, the pads of his thumbs teased her over sensitive nipples while he guided her back against the hard wood. "See," he whispered, running his hands down her swollen abdomen, pausing to kiss his new favorite curve just below her belly button. "Nothing to worry about." 

His arms wrapped around her thighs, he pulled her closer to the edge as he sunk down to his knees between her creamy thighs. Guiding each of them over his shoulders, one hand splayed across her active stomach holding her steady as his tongue slid out to taste the sweet nectar that had been plaguing his senses all damn day. 

OoOoO

Her hands clenched at his arms, his hair, the damn sides of the table, nothing was safe. A fine sheen of sweat glistened across her body, her legs shook and trembled around him, he'd already pushed her into oblivion twice and he wasn't showing any signs of letting up. His long digits slipped lazily in and out of her wet heat, easing that aching empty feeling just enough to keep her from tears. 

Her own hands squeezed her breasts as his warm lips circled her overly sensitive clit once more. Letting out a small gasp, she vehemently shook her head while chanting his name. "I can't, I can't, it's too much, I just can't," she rushed out even though her hips were already back to meeting his thrust. 

He certainly hadn't intended for this to turn into some marathon, but in all honesty he couldn't think of a single thing he'd rather be doing. He wasn't sure if it was due to nearly losing her, being away from her for so long, knowing she was pregnant with his child, or a culmination of it all, but he was almost positive he was bordering nymphomaniac status. There weren't enough hours in the day to cover everything he wanted to do with this goddess of his. 

Her thighs locked around his head again, she was teetering right on the edge of bliss all over again. His neglected cock twitched and throbbed painfully within the confines of his trousers, he was dangerously close to embarrassing himself and making a damn mess in his pants like some inexperienced teenager. 

He'd just managed to free his rigid flesh, his own palm gliding over the taught angry skin when he heard her soft pleas, begging to touch him. He smirked against her, she always had a way of knowing just what he needed. 

Buffy moaned his name again as his lips pressed against her inner thigh once, then twice, before he slowly started to get back up to his feet. His fingers worked on pushing the rest of his clothing out of the way, finding Buffy's tangled up as well not long after he had stood. 

A low growl came from within as she finally reached out for him, his pants finally fallen down to his ankles, her slender fingers grasping with just the right amount of force he was desperately craving right about now. The image of her back sitting to the edge of the table before him, blonde hair touseled, skin flushed, one hand wrapped around him while the other gripped at the table behind her to try and keep some sort of balance, that needy look written all across her face was nearly enough to be his undoing. 

Stepping a hair closer to the table and to her, he captured her lips with his own, unsure of who was leading or who was more desperate as they locked up together. His hands shot to her hips as hers worked him with absolutely no mercy, they both knew there was only going to be so long before it was all too damn much to take, his body moving all on its own accord seeking more of her. 

"I can't," she barely made out as his hands slipped from her hips to the inside of her thighs again, one thumb making its way back to her swollen bundle of nerves. "Angel," she moaned, her chest heaving, fingers tightening against him, drawing him even closer to her. 

Angel felt his knees nearly give way as Buffy's legs spread further apart, her hand guiding her back to her center all over again. The tip of his manhood felt the rush of her silkiness, the warmth calling him to, as her hand continued to quickly slide up and down his length. The only thought he could seem to settle on was how badly he wanted to replace the feel of her small hand with the inner walls of her body clenching around him. 

"Angel," Buffy panted, her lips might have repeatedly told him she couldn't take any more but her body rocked against him, needing another push over that edge into utter bliss. "I need more," she practically cried. 

"More what?" he asked, his own eyes trying to roll into the back of his head. 

"You. I need you," she rushed out. 

Swallowing hard, he ground out that he made a promise to her about this and he was already having the damnedest time holding his end of that deal. Obviously, in that moment back at the condo he really had no idea what he was going to be walking into. 

"You promised about not letting me touch you... until I said I wanted to, that you would remain controlled and wouldn't let anything I didn't want to happen, well, happen...."

"Yes... but I still don't think you're ready for us to-"

Buffy's hips twitched every which way against his hand. "It's not sex," she rushed out. "I just need... I need more, I need you, I need to feel you," she told him, her face looking close to painful with her desperation. 

Swallowing again, his mind raced with a million things it seemed at once. All he wanted was to feel her around him but he didn't want to rush this either. Maybe it didn't make sense with everything else they were doing, simply not having sex wasn't really going to tell them if they could make it work or not, but he knew where she was coming from at the same time and wanted to respect her wishes on everything. He really wasn't sure what was right or wrong in this moment and part of him had a hard time even caring. 

As one hand continued to tease her, the other wrapped around hers, together moving against him faster and faster until he felt a familiar boiling. Releasing quickly, his hand shot back out to Buffy, pulling her closer as he began to push further into her depths. 

"Oh, God," Buffy screamed, her knees trying to lock around him when he was halfway there, her body trembling head to toe, sharp nails digging into his arm and shoulder. 

She seemed to squeeze around him so tight he wasn't sure he would even make it all the way in at first, it felt like a lifetime when really it couldn't have been more than a few moments though before he was seated completely inside of his wife and that winding up being the final straw for what he could take right now. It had been too damn long without this. 

OoOoO

Buffy could have almost started laughing at the sheer panic that crossed over Angel's handsome features as she started crying. Her arms shot back out to him to pull him near and she barely managed to shake her head as she hurried to promise him everything was okay. 

"Did I hurt you?" 

"No," she hurried out. "No, not at all."

"We shouldn't have done that," came next, that frown only growing deeper, as was that scared look taking over. 

"No, Angel... I don't... I don't regret that, it wasn't wrong, I'm not hurt. Maybe emotional and crazy though. I just... I missed you, I missed feeling you like that, feeling like I'm really yours..."

"Whether I'm inside of your body at the time or not, you're mine as long as you want to be."

"I know," she tried to smile at him. "It's just... I miss a lot, I have for a long time."

Angel's face softened a bit though he looked more sad all of a sudden than ready to have a heart attack or something. His hand reached out to cup her cheek gently, "Me, too, Beautiful. I have no idea how I even survived a second without you or how I thought I could go on without being with you and I just never want to have to figure it all out again. I want to give you absolutely anything you want and need, I just want to be with you for the rest of my life, Buffy."

OoOoO

Splashing some water on her face and lightly against her chest and top of her shoulders, Buffy couldn't help but smile shyly and shake her head at the image of herself in the mirror. Her entire body still felt like it was tingling, the tiny little human growing inside of her obviously all wound up too, hits and kicks, rolls happening all over the place in there it felt like. 

She could still feel him inside of her and while it seemed to fix that endless empty feeling she had - at the time - she knew it was probably just another slippery slope because she was craving that feeling already all over again. How perfectly he felt inside of her, how badly she'd missed that aspect of what was their lives for so long, how she wanted more... 

"You better get a grip woman," she whispered out loud to her reflection. Much to her surprise Angel seemed to be doing a whole hell of a lot better at this taking things slow bit. That man's resolve was most definitely second to none. Meanwhile here she was a giant hormonal mess that couldn't decide from one second to the next what lines were okay to cross, and even though she'd practically begged him earlier, not that she'd gotten a little preview of what it felt like coming back together, she knew it probably wouldn't be long until they found themselves back in the same position.


	19. Chapter Nineteen

"Who ya talking to," she questioned, crawling on her knees towards the center of the bed, one of her legs easily sliding between his as she snuggled into his side. 

"Lindsey," he scowled, judging from the scowl on his face they were clearly talking work stuff. 

"I'm going to have to go into the office Thursday morning," he paused feeling all the movements against his sides where her belly pressed against him. "What time is your appointment again," he questioned, abandoning his phone to the side as he sunk down until he was eye level with the bump. His fingers skimmed beneath the fabric of one of his old shirts that she'd commandeered, lifting it above the curve, he pressed a single kiss next to her belly button while he waited for her to answer. 

She grinned at the gesture, there were some things she wasn't sure she would ever get tired of, and seeing him trying to bond with their baby was definitely one of them. "I thought Linds was covering for you," she pouted, her fingers finding their way to his hair. He groaned against her, "He was supposed too, but some of the dockets got switched around and now we're both due in court at the same time," he moved to place another kiss where the baby was currently squirming, "He can't be two places at once beautiful." 

She sighed, not for the first time she wished he wasn't quite so high on the food chain at Wolfram & Hart. She was pretty sure part of her would always miss his intern days, back when no one batted an eye at his absence… or tardis. Sure she was beyond proud of the things he had accomplished, but it all had come at one hell of a price, sometimes she yearned for the days where she was his only priority. "It's not until noon this time," she told him quietly, already bracing herself to hear the onslaught of reasons as to why he could no longer make it. 

Angel felt her tense against him and he didn't even need to ask what the reason behind it was. His chest squeezed, he hated how little faith she had in him, he fucking deserved her skeptism but he would never get used to it. It would definitely take some finagling on his part, but he was almost certain he could work with that. "I can work with twelve," he assured her though his eyes were still tightly closed, his ear pressed up against her abdomen. 

"Ya," she asked surprised, her fingers once again lightly scratching at his scalp. He nodded, "Just plan on meeting me there, maybe afterwards we can grab lunch somewhere…" She glanced down just in time to see the smirk play across his features, "Or swing by the house for a different type of snack." 

"Oh ya," she giggled, lightly shoving his shoulder. Some parts of him would eternally be eighteen, she was convinced. Without even opening his eyes, he easily caught her hand, guiding it back against his hair. He couldn't even count the number of times he'd fallen asleep like this over the years, her tiny fingers threading through his short locks. Of course he missed everything when they were apart, not at first of course, but after some of the initial anger subsided he would find himself conjuring up the most mundane memories, wishing that he had the strength to make them a reality again. 

It was such a simple, innocent gesture, and yet he found himself swallowing back a tear as he thought about how close he'd truly come to never experiencing it again. 

"I hope it's a boy." 

Her eyes popped open, of all the things she'd expected to hear that certainly wasn't one of them. They hadn't really talked too much about what he would prefer or why. Even though she was eight months pregnant, sometimes the reality of the human being growing inside of her was too much for even her to face, and he'd had even less time to deal and come to terms with it. She knew he had a lot on his shoulders both in his private life and at work, so she tried not to push all the difficult subjects at once. 

"Really? I figured you might want a girl what with Con and all." 

His long fingers gently poked around the perfect curve as he tried to elicit a further reaction from the baby. His head shook softly against her, "I do want a girl," he smirked, "But if this ones a boy, that just gives us a reason to try again."

Her hand stilled against him for a second before her grip tightened enough to guide his eyes up to meet hers, which were currently about the size of saucers. "You-," she shook her slightly as if to clear her thoughts, "You want  _ another  _ baby?" 

He smiled, convinced the baby had drifted off, he crawled back up her body until they were eye level. Reaching out, he pinned a couple of loose strands back behind her ear before draping his arm around her to hold her closer. "I do." 

Being the father to one child had never crossed his mind, he certainly never imagined having two or three. But being here with her now, having Connor, knowing everything they had been through and what all it took to bring them back together, well he definitely wouldn't be able to honestly say he was opposed to the idea. With Con he'd missed everything pregnancy included, and now with this new little being growing inside of her, he was all too aware of everything that he'd already missed out on. 

"I just want to be there," he sighed sadly, his lips ever so softly brushing against hers. "I want that memory of us finding out together, I want to watch your body change and grow from the very beginning, I want to feel the first kick, the first roll…" he trailed off, "I want everything with you." 

Her eyes burned, she hadn't meant to take all of that away from him. She really hadn't, she knew it was wrong, and looking back she wasn't sure how she ever thought she'd actually be able to give birth without ever telling him, but she'd just been so fucking hurt. She was fucking terrified, and hadn't had the first clue what she was supposed to do. Even now all this time later while she was tangled back in his arms, she could still imagine that fear she felt when she'd first discovered that the two of them had defied all the odds that seemed against them to even create the little one growing inside of her. She could perfectly recall how time seemed to slow down to a snail's pace, how the world seemed to almost go into some sort of fish eye type of vision for the longest time as she just sat there staring at the white stick showing her those positive lines. She could remember in great detail how all those months without him had gone, how she felt at any given time, the fears that clouded her mind, how far away having what they were trying to work through to get back to one another seemed then.

"Hey," he said softly, noticing the change in the air and tilting his head to look at her better. 

"I'm sorry," she barely made out as even a whisper. 

"Hey, no, I'm not trying to make you feel bad here, Buffy. I promise. I get why you went about everything how you did, as best as I can, and I'm just going to have to accept that and my hand in it all. I just hope that we continue making this between us work so we can be better than we ever even imagined and then when the next time comes around... well, then hopefully we can get a chance to experience all of those things together. That's all, it's something to look forward to... not be upset over."

Her heart still felt like it wanted to tie up in an endless mess of knots, though. Lindsey had tried warning her about this exact thing more than once but she had been too caught up in her own side of how everything was and seeing the fallout play out a lot differently than them back in this house together like this.

"I'm always going to regret in an endless amount of ways that I missed out on so much, Buffy, but I think it proves to me a strong lesson in what else I could have lost forever."

OoOoO

Angel found himself being pulled out of his peaceful sleep by tiny movements pushing against his stomach, keeping his eyes closed, he let his arm curl around until his palm rested against Buffy's growing stomach. "Hi there, Little One," he whispered. Half a second later, a particularly excited kick came through and his eyes opened, looking down between his and Buffy's bodies. "Alright now, you keep that up you're gonna wake your Mama," he told the unborn. 

Just then, Buffy made a soft groaning noise, her own hand coming to rest atop his. "Too late for that little warning," she muttered. "Sometimes these kicks and punches are beautiful, awe inspiring... sometimes, they are just not. Oww."

Angel chuckled, leaning closer to drop a kiss on her forehead. "If it helps any, I believe our alarms are about to start going off at any time so at least he didn't wake you up in the middle of the night or something."

Buffy just groaned some more in response, closing her eyes tighter. "With as tired as I get some of these days I think I need every last second of sleep I can get, thank you very much."

OoOoO

As the next few days came and went Angel couldn't help but feel like he was living in some dream world, riding some high, something. Every morning he got to wake up next to his beautiful wife all wrapped up in his arms, every morning they'd both barely made it into their respective buildings before being considered late, always finding it hard to part from one another in the morning. Work seemed to drag on still but it wasn't so bad after that first day he had found, and he didn't mind the return of random messages he'd get from Buffy throughout the day to fill him in on what was going on with her, to tell him something funny one of her kids in her class might have said, or some issue she'd had to deal with. 

He'd worked hard to get back home in the evening at a decent time, fully appreciating the fact he would come home to Buffy making sure they had a hot, full meal waiting for him when he walked in the door. Sitting down with her at that table while they just talked and laughed, went over their day more in depth, made plans... all of it... was easily becoming one of his favorite times of the day. 

Trying to help her with the load of the housework, he made sure to do more in that sense as well, and then they could just enjoy those last few hours of the day before it was time to crawl into bed just enjoying one another. Neither had felt much like going out again and he sure didn't mind just having her to himself. 

OoOoO

Things had been going so well, so smoothly, that when Thursday came slamming into him with one things going wrong after another as soon as he had climbed into his car that morning he wasn't handling it well at all. Normally he thought he was someone pretty good in a crisis, sometimes he thought he even thrived on the excitement of chaos happening all around him when it came to work related issues anyhow, but today he felt like he was in over his head.

Angel looked at his watch, then the large black clock on the wall, before taking a deep breath, letting it out ever so slowly, to try and calm the panic wanting to rise and overtake him, trying to focus on what the judge was saying, trying to remember what he was supposed to be doing - other than not being here, other than the fact he was supposed to be across town right now with Buffy getting ready for her appointment.

His hand shook under the table and he clenched his jaw, pulling his fingers into a fist for a moment before releasing slowly a few times, his mind trying to push his worries about his personal life aside enough to get through this, his eyes trying to read over his notes and actually comprehend what they said this time.

"You good?" he heard being asked from beside him. 

Angel nodded, turning and putting a smile on his face. "Of course," he easily lied, more to himself than anyone else. 

OoOoO

Buffy sat in the middle row of chairs that gave a perfect view of the large parking lot so she could see when Angel pulled in. She hadn't gone in at all today since the appointment was smack dab in the middle of the day so she had happily caught up on some rest and relaxation before driving out. 

As the minutes crept by, Buffy started feeling a familiar sense of dread trying to peek its head but she kept trying to push it down and away... at first. When her name was called she said she needed to use the bathroom again to try and hold out hope he'd appear at the last moment but there was still no sign of him as she followed the nurse down the long hall to the exam room. 

She went through the motions, answered all of her midwife's questions, she vaguely remembered lying back and listening to the baby's heartbeat, but mostly the entire appointment was nothing more than a blur. She walked out of there as quickly as she could, with instructions to return in two weeks, which was a difference since she was accustomed to her routine monthly appointments. 

It was all just one giant reminder of what all he was missing out on, this time by choice. Reaching her car, she pulled out her cell, he hadn't even had the decency to send her a text. 'Stupid hormones', she thought as the first few tears rolled off the ball of her cheeks only to land on the curve of her stomach. She didn't want to cry,, she didn't have time for fucking tears, she was livid, she was pissed at Angel, but mostly she was just upset with herself. 

For as much as she had sworn to herself it wouldn't happen, somewhere between him asking her for another chance and waking up next to him every morning, that guard she had struggled so hard to build had begun to crumble. These last few days she had actually started to believe that he'd changed, that somehow over these last few months he'd been struck by some sort of damn epiphany, that despite all of the terrible fucking things he'd put her through, he was going to be there now. 

'What a fucking joke,' she thought, blindly tossing her phone into the passenger seat after powering it down. Not only did she not want to hear the damn thing, she definitely didn't trust herself not to answer it, but even more than that she refused to give him the satisfaction of knowing how badly he had hurt her again. She already knew the second he heard her voice it would be nothing but apologies and empty promises about change. Which she didn't have time for, not anymore. 

She was too pregnant, too attached, too fucking lost all over again. Thank God she'd had the mind to keep her apartment, it wasn't that she was planning on going home and moving back out tonight, but the fantasy she'd let herself get lost in these last few weeks had certainly begun to dissolve. 

If today was a reminder of anything it was that this baby was coming whether she was ready or not. She didn't have time to focus on anything besides that, though now she wasn't even sure how to best prepare for the ones arrival either. The thought of setting up her dream nursery only to tear it all down again when she inevitably had to make the move back to her apartment invoked emotions within her she wasn't quite ready to own up too. 

OoOoO

Angel had sat at the prosecutors table, glancing at his watch what felt like once every minute. That sinking pit inside him grew with every second that ticked by, Judge Carlson threatened him with contempt no less than two times when he caught him looking at his phone, attempting to sneak some sort of quick text to let Buffy know what was going on. Knowing that particular judge's reputation, he hadn't wanted to risk it a third time. Though in hindsight, the excuse of a night behind bars sounded a whole lot better than what he was coming up with. 

Pressing down the accelerator, he increased his speed once again, by the time he'd finally made it out of the courtroom her phone was going straight to voice-mail. He couldn't even check her location with the phone turned off, he last location was still showing at the midwives clinic, but he knew better than to think she could possibly still be there. Her appointment should have ended over an hour ago, slamming his hands against the steering wheel he silently prayed that she would be at the house whenever he got there. 

Nothing about today had gone as planned, he had expected to walk into court, offer the defendant a plea and be back out within an hour. What he hadn't expected was for the damn judge to go back and forth with the clients attorney negotiating terms like this was some sort of damn highschool debate. Normally he was all for being fair, and the guy had been just a kid, but he didn't have the luxury to spend hours discussing his fate today, not when his own life was currently spiraling off its axis. 

Pulling into the driveway, he breathed a sigh of relief seeing her SUV in its usual spot. Strategically pulling up behind her, he took a moment to catch his breath before going inside. He knew she was going to be pissed, hurt, and he knew her well enough to know that she'd had enough time to let that head of hers pull her into a dark place. He just hoped she wasn't passed the point of rationality, they may have only been back together a few weeks but he felt like they had come a long way in that short amount of time. Besides he was just as disappointed in not being there today as she was, like he told her the other morning, he'd missed enough already. 

OoOoO

Walking into the house he held his breath, memories flooded his mind of other times he'd missed important events, times he had no excuse for, days he'd taken her for granted and not had the decency to spare her a simple phone call. Though, that wasn't what today had been, he would never jeopardize what they had just started to rebuild like that, though judging by the look on her face he wasn't so sure she held the same confidence. 

"Buffy," he started towards her, but paused when she took a step back. Her face was puffy, eyes red and swollen, it was obvious she'd been crying, and he wanted nothing more than to pull her into his arms, though it was clear she had other thoughts. 

Without even realizing it, she'd nearly back herself completely against the wall. Having been in the restroom, she hadn't heard him come in, so rounding the corner to him standing there had been a bit of a shock, though she was now very grateful for the few minutes she'd taken to wash her face and pull herself back together in there. She knew she probably still looked awful, one part of pregnancy, for her anyways, was the inability to not wear her heart on her sleeve. 

She cleared her throat, "Where were you?"

Taking his eyes off of her for just a second he sat his keys on the small table inside the hallway. "I’m sorry," he finally managed, meeting her eyes once again. "I know," he swallowed hard, nearly flinching when she automatically started to inch away from him as far as she could possibly manage. His voice softened some, as his heart clenching inside his chest as he continued to take all of her and her brokenness in, "I know those words hold little meaning after everything we've been through and how many times I've carelessly thrown them around, Buffy, but I am sorry. First and foremost, I am sorry I wasn't there today. I wanted to be, more than anything in this world. I needed to be there. And it isn't okay that I wasn't.," he repeated. "I-I, just, today... today just didn't go how it was supposed to all," he told her, his hand running through his hair. "The case wasn't supposed to be dragged the fuck out like it was and there weren't exactly a grand lot of options to get out of it."

Buffy's eyes looked downward, her lips pressing together lightly for a moment. "You were in court the whole time?" she asked.

That twisting sensation inside of him only grew with how pitiful she sounded. "Yes," he breathed, rushing to try and explain how everything had gotten so fucked up this morning. His eyes pleaded with her to not see it all as something it wasn't, like he was just falling back into old habits, that he hadn't just up and decided she and the baby weren't important or whatever other horrible thought he knew she must have running through her mind wasn't the case, but still when he tried to step closer to her she moved away. No longer able to move back anymore due to the wall, she just side stepped with her back pressed to the smooth area until he stopped. "Buffy..."

Her head just barely shook before he could say anything more. "I don't know what to say right now, Angel, and it might be best if I don't because quite frankly where my head is at right now isn't doing us any favors. Part of me wants to remind myself that these things are bound to happen sometimes, that I went into this all over again knowing that bit of information, it happens to just about anyone with working late or things popping up. I get it, I guess. But... but then again I've been here and done this, too, you know. And the timing really happens to stink."

Angel's head fell a little. Every second seemed like a lifetime right now and seemed to scream at him everything was going to slip away and he wasn't sure there was anything he could do to stop it.

OoOoO

"Where is she?" were Lindsey's first words as soon as the door opened. His eyes raked over him for a moment and he knew he looked like utter shit right now but thankfully, for once, Linds kept his big mouth shut on any comments about it. 

Angel sighed, stepping out of the way to let him in. "I don't know." He briefly recapped how Buffy had left, annoyed that he had blocked her in and had begged her not to when she asked him if he could please move out of the way, or to give her the keys to his so, well, he supposed either do it herself or just leave with it instead, how she'd gone upstairs just done talking to him and how he'd made it worse by not giving her space. He was just too desperate and had spent enough time just turning the other way and ignoring shit happening around him. And when that had been too much, how she had just taken off down the road, pissed off that he refused to just let her go but given how far along she was and her state of mind it just didn't make any sense to him to just let her run off like that. So, finally she had stopped, and he had as well from a good distance and he had waited until the taxi that he'd decided to call in for her drove off. "I made everything a fucking billion times worse," he said, his head falling back and making a loud thud as it hit the wall behind him. 

Lindsey shook his head. "The two of you are going to be the fucking death of me. Her especially."

Angel sighed again. "Can't blame her too much, Linds."

"The hell I can't. You can't go all half assed like that, acting this way at the first sign of trouble and all that bullshit. Shit happens, that's life."

Angel shrugged. He couldn't even think straight at this point one way or the other,

"Alright, well, did she just leave, or did she leave leave?" Lindsey dared to ask after slowly circling back around to face him. 

"I don't know. And I was just sitting there trying to figure out how in the fuck all of this happened and what I'm supposed to do now. What if it is over, just like that, Linds? And thinking about how excited Connor fucking is to have everything kind of going back to normal and how awful that kid felt he couldn't be here when she moved in and how fucking badly he needed this. And I don't know how to face him and say that everything fell apart again already and that I can't give all of those things to him after all..." Angel felt that bubble of panic coming back to the surface, trying to imagine Connor's little face falling when he had to break that bit of news to his child all over again.

"Don't get too far ahead of yourself, Angel. She's just emotional more than likely and probably needs a good, swift kick in the ass before she realizes she's just being dramatic and needs to reign in it back in a little. You all are still figuring things out, there's going to bumps in that road."

"Maybe," Angel said sadly. "I just don't know what to do. I called in with an emergency for the rest of the day, was more than a little tempted to just say I fucking quit and be done with it."

"Hate to break it to ya, but your occupation isn't the real issue here."

"I know. But it felt like something I could do, it could make a statement, something."

OoOoO

It was newly dark outside before Lindsey felt comfortable leaving one friend behind to go in search for the other. Buffy's phone was still off and neither of them even knew if she had it on her anyway. Angel and he had similar thoughts that she probably either went to his house or she went to calm down, or whatever, back at the apartment they'd just half moved her out of so those were going to be his first stops before he might need to get creative. 

He knew where she was coming from - as best that he could anyhow - and hated the idea of making her feel like he was just up and taking Angel's "side" again, but in no universe did he feel like he could stand by and just let this get blown up into something it wasn't worthy of. 

He stopped by his own house first, pulling into the driveway he'd barely got the car in park before he was stepping out the door to head inside. From out front it didn't look like he was going to have much luck, everything was dark and it didn't look like anyone was inside, but he decided to double check just to be certain. Just as he expected though, the house was empty, his leftover In and Out burger from the night before still littered his kitchen table, and he knew without a shadow of a doubt had Buff been by here that would have been one of the first things she picked up. 

Locking back up, he sent Angel a quick text letting him know that she wasn't at the house. Ya he was worried, but right now he was more pissed than anything. She was too damn pregnant for all this nonsense, especially the whole not turning on her phone bit. Angel may be half convinced that she didn't have it on her, and even he'd agreed back at the house, but the more he thought about it the more that just didn't make sense. Had she not had the damned thing on her then it sure was one hell of a coincidence that it died at the same time she decided to storm off. 

He understood her needing to get away for awhile, take a breather or whatever, but if she was hell bent on not letting Angel in on where she was headed, the least she could do was call him. Anything could happen at this stage in her pregnancy, and the stunt she was pulling was not only selfish it was down right reckless. She was acting as if she hadn't been married to the man for years on end, as if she didn't know how the damn court system worked. She knew damn well that they didn't work some regular nine to five, they couldn't just walk out of court at their convenience, there wasn't anything Angel could have done to change the damn outcome. Well aside from getting himself locked up for the night, and something told him that had he done that she still would have found some reason to lose her shit. 

Pulling into her apartments, the first thing he noticed was the light in her living room flickering through the window. 'Of fucking course,' he thought cutting the engine, he made sure to take a few deep breaths before he exited his car this time, he loved the girl like no other, but he wasn't Angel, and he damn sure didn't have that man's patience of steel where her tantrums were concerned. There were reasons why they regarded one another as siblings and never tried the dating thing, and that most definitely was one of them. 


	20. Chapter Twenty

She hadn't even known where to tell the cab driver to go, part of her wanted to break down right then, turn around and go back to the house, to Angel and just fall apart with him. She knew how the court system worked, and she knew that there were things that just weren't in his control, but when he didn't text or call, and was a complete ghost at the appointment, it just sent her into a tailspin. 

She never even had the intention to leave like that, but he just wouldn't back the fuck off her, and now that she had some time think she knew she had acted irrationally. Once again she let their past define their future, and not for the first time she wasn't sure what to do. So far she'd managed to pull her phone out of her jeans pocket and stare at the blank screen… for hours. 

She was scared to even turn the stupid thing on, she knew she probably had a boat load of messages and missed calls not only from Angel but probably from Lindsey too. Using her sleeves she wiped at her eyes one more time, at this point she wasn't sure she even had any tears left to cry. She'd just pressed the power button on her phone, her plan was just to ignore all the messages, all the text, and just let him know she was okay, maybe ask him to come pick her or at the very least to come over and talk, she wasn't sure, but she never got that far anyways. 

Her damn door nearly flew off the hinges from the force that was pounding against it. For a split second her heart thundered in her chest thinking that maybe Angel was angrier than he'd let on, but then she heard the voice behind the door and she couldn't help but roll her eyes. Tossing her phone to the side, she stood up and yanked the door open, he must not have been prepared for the movement because Lindsey nearly came toppling in right on top of her. 

"Damnt Buffy," he snarled, stumbling past her in one of his less than stellar entrances. 

"Where's Angel?"

Lindsey adjusted his tie, as he fought the urge to strangle the woman. "Where the fuck do you think he is, right where you left him." 

"Well," she huffed, slamming the door and shoving her way around him to go back to the couch. "Clearly you're acting as his guard dog again." 

"His guard dog," Lindsey repeated, "Really?" 

This was stupid she wasn't even mad at Linds, he just had a way of pushing her damn buttons, just like back at the cabin. Feigning interest in her nails, she shrugged her shoulders and continued refusing to look at him. It drove him absolutely mad and she knew it, but right now she didn't care. She had enough to worry about without adding throwing one of his fits into the mix. 

He really was going to lose his fucking mind, the two of them truly were the reason he was single. There was no fucking way he could deal with any more relationship drama. "For once in your life can you just try not to act like such a bitch?" 

That got her attention, every part of her froze except for her eyes which slowly rose to meet his. If looks could kill, he was pretty sure he would be a dead man, though luckily she didn't have that super power, that he knew of anyways. She did however have quite the aim, picking up her half empty cup of ice water she hurled it at his head. 

Dodging to the left he barely missed the projectile, "What the hell is wrong with you!?" 

Pushing herself off the couch, she took the few steps to where he was standing in the small room, her finger poking his chest, she began her own verbal onslaught. 

"You're my problem, you're supposed to be my friend! Mine! And yet here you are once again pounding on my damn door, screaming at me, calling me names, and you don't know the first damn thing that happened. Why can't you ever, just fucking once be there for me Lindsey?" Much to her dismay hot tears once again rolled freely down her cheeks, she took a deep breath ready to continue but high pitched ringing of her phone interrupted those plans, making her pause, just staring angrily at him. 

"Answer your damn phone," he half growled, stepping around her. 

Buffy wanted to scream. She squeezed her eyes shut, her hands fisting up at her sides, as she tried to ignore everything around her, slowly counting to ten, then twenty, and then starting over again when it hadn't helped a damn thing the first time. In fact, she felt she was more on edge once she hit that final number than when she even started.

When she turned around, the ringing had stopped, and Lindsey was now sitting all propped up on her small couch. The two of them went back to giving one another angry stares before he blinked, looking slightly off to the side of her. "Now, here's the thing. You and I both know how I handled you and Angel before wasn't ideal, and we have fought about it, and we have talked about it, and we - I thought - had tried to forgive and move on from those mistakes. Clearly, I was wrong about that because part of forgiving and moving on isn't holding on to it and getting upset, throwing it around the second things don't look exactly how you wish they did."

Buffy's jaw set, her arms folding over her chest. 

"Which doesn't work for us, and guess what? Surprise! It doesn't work for you and Angel either. If you want me to be on your 'side' here, then maybe you shouldn't be the one in the wrong. Sorry, but you're in the wrong on this. And I've never been someone who decides to base things on my relationship with someone. If you fuck up then you fuck up and I'm going to call you on it. Just how it fuckin' is. I'm not going to just look the other way and stand behind your stupid decision just because we've been friends for most of our lives."

"You don't get it," she sighed.

"No, I think I very much do. You went into this again with every intention of starting over while being cautious at the same time. You told yourself life isn't a perfect little box, things don't always go as you planned, you know that shit fuckin' happens. And yet, despite all of that, then something happens that reminded you of all the wrongs you were doing your best to forget and to push away. It dragged you kicking and screaming back into the place you lived in for so long, that shitty space where you felt like your husband didn't give a shit about you and you lived in rejection and self doubt. And that scared the ever loving shit out of you, and then it made you angry."

Buffy truly hated how well he did in fact know her sometimes.

"And the longer he wasn't there, and you didn't hear from him, the more you were haunted by the past, you were haunted by your former self, his former self. The longer you had to stew in all of that. And you even tried to talk sense to yourself I'm sure after you got home, and you probably told yourself he just got stuck at work, and told yourself that was to be expected. But then doubt returned, and you were back and forth. Then, he showed up. And you exploded."

"I can't do all of it again, Lindsey," she told him, tears threatening to fall again, her heart feeling like it gained a few extra cracks. 

He leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees. "And no one is asking you to," he told her softly. "This wasn't planned, Buffy. He wasn't avoiding you."

"I know that."

"He doesn't want to miss out on things with that baby in there or screw things up for himself, or for Connor, or for that little one."

"I know."

"He was stuck in a situation that wasn't exactly that easy to-"

Buffy huffed out a heavy breath of air, her arms unhooking and flying around in front of her. "I know!" she nearly shouted. "I get it, Lindsey. I do! His case didn't go as planned and he was stuck without any good options. I get it, I promise! But that's today! It's just today," she said, then wiped at the tears that finally spilled over. "But those doubts are there, and the thought that what if this, what if today didn't have wrong intentions behind it, but what if it's the start."

Lindsey sighed as well, standing up and coming over to her, opening his arms and holding her close when she threw herself at him.

OoOoO

"I don't know how to let go of what was, to really go for this, and yet... and yet try and protect myself from being blindsided and losing everything all of a sudden again either all at the same time," Buffy muttered much later, her fingers toying with random loose strands on the throw blanket to the side of her. 

"I feel how you're going about it contradicts itself at every turn, Buff. I get why you're keeping this place and why you're ready to shut down and be like 'nope!' at the first sign of trouble, I get you trying to protect yourself and that baby, hell protecting both these kids because they're both in it. But... but I don't know, kid. Something about it seems wrong, too. It's all I trust you but I want to be prepared and then it doesn't feel quite like trust in the first place. I want to try and be with you again, but... there's always that back pedaling that throws everything off."

"There's good reasons for all of that, though."

"I know, like I said... I get it. But... I don't know what the solution to anything is either. I want to tell you to throw caution to the wind, go full force into this... but that's not something you're ready for and it's not fair to you. But for now, just for now, I think you need to not lay everything on one misstep. Today wasn't a make or break, that's not fair to either one of you. Have your mixed up feelings if you need to, but come on... don't throw away your family and this unexpected second chance at the two of you making everything work over something you know he wasn't trying to make happen, something that was out of his hands."

OoOoO

Angel felt a tiny bit of tension and worry disappear once he knew for sure Buffy was safe and Lindsey had found her, but he was still a mess, pacing all around the house, unsure of what in the hell he was supposed to do right now. 

With every minute that passed he felt like his world was slipping away all over again. 

Having her back had felt like a dream, he would wake up surprised, relieved, to find her still here every morning. Terrified it was all in his head, that he had imagined all of this, and whether he had or not that it was all going to slip away from him and he'd be alone once more and now here he was facing that exact possibility, except this time it wasn't all in his head. 

He had just about given up, running a hand through his hair he cursed out loud as he made his way back over by the foyer where'd he left his keys. He wasn't sure what he was going to do or say when he got over there, but he knew he was done sitting around waiting for lord only knew what to happen. Surely, Linds would tip him off, would let him know if she was really planning on leaving, but even so he couldn't keep expecting him to fix their messes. No matter how long the two of them had known one another, she was his wife, that was his baby growing inside of her, and it was his job to keep her safe, to make sure he was okay. Even if that meant bringing her back here, and packing up all his own shit. She was too fucking pregnant to be sleeping in some dump where anyone with a seventh grade education and a butter knife could break into. 

The front door swung open just as he was sliding his wallet into the pocket of his slacks, in all the hours he'd been home he had yet to even change from the suit he'd worn in court. 

Her mind was a muddled mess, she wasn't sure what she'd expected but she definitely hadn't thought he'd just be standing there as soon as she opened the door. Her and Linds got pretty lost in conversation for a bit there, apparently each of them had some long overdue things to say to the other. In the end he'd managed to get through to her enough, convince her that just maybe she was acting a little irrational, that maybe she was throwing everything they had built so hard to get back, right out that window they'd only barely begun to climb back through. 

Tears sprung to her eyes, even though she wasn't sure, she was fairly certain she'd cried so much she was going to be dehydrated for days. He didn't seem to be fairing much better, his jacket was long gone, but one of his suspenders still clasped onto his wrinkled trousers, his hair was tousled and for the briefest second it reminded her of how it used to look after they'd spent the night making love. 

She worked her lip between her teeth, it had probably only been a second, two or three at most, but the silence was deafening, An elephant felt like it had just walked up and took a nice seat right in the middle of her chest. She watched as he swallowed, saw his own eyes gloss over with unshed tears, and she just couldn't take it for even a second more. 

"I'm so sorry," she gasped, her phone and keys falling from her hands as she raised them in an attempt to drown out her cries. 

He wasn't sure how it happened, he had no memory of actually moving, but before he'd even blinked he was already across the room pulling her back into his arms. "Shhh," he whispered, sinking down to the floor right along with her, partly because he was worried she would hurt herself, but mostly because he just didn't want to let her go. 

She tried to apologize again, to explain what had happened, how she was sorry for the way she had run off, for turning off her phone, for not listening to him in the first place. Angel just shook his head, "It's okay," he repeated, that panic bubbling inside easing just a tad. 

Easing back, all the while making sure he kept her in his arms he leaned back against the frame of the door, his head coming to rest against the hardwood he tugged her across his lap. Even with the curve of her belly pressed between them, she still fit absolutely perfect against him. Each of his hands held her to him, his hands tangled in her, he no longer cared that she left, that she ignored his calls, that she nearly broke his fucking heart. He deserved it, all of it, maybe not today, but he deserved it and all he cared about that very second was the fact that she was back in his arms, and he never fucking planned to let her go again. 

She was still trying to speak, but he forced her lips to his, she tensed, and it took her a second, but then she relaxed and absolutely melted into him. His hands slid down her curves, down her breast and around her soft hips, fingertips digging into her flesh he pulled even closer. His chest burned by the time he broke away, "I love you," he gasped letting his forehead lean against hers. 

OoOoO

After sitting tangled up on the floor so long his legs started to tingle, he softly suggested they head upstairs. Still not wanting to let go of her for even a second, in what seemed to be becoming a theme with them, Angel found himself carrying her up the stairs all over again. Bypassing the bed, he walked straight into the bathroom, setting her safely on the counter, he eased her legs from around his waist. 

He had apologized again downstairs, even though she tried to tell him that he hadn't needed to. She may have overreacted, but like he tried to explain to Linds, given their circumstances he couldn't exactly blame her. Still, he longed for the day where she had a little more faith in him, which he felt they were finally on their way too, however tonight was a jolting reminder of just how far they still had to go. 

She'd also mentioned that her appointments were being moved closer together, that for the next month she would have to be seen every two weeks, and the after that it would be at least once a week until the baby got here and hearing all that caused a fresh new wave of anxiety to roll through, one that he was trying his hardest to ignore for the time being. One thing was for certain, once he got back into the office on Monday he was clearing his damn schedule for every day that she had an appointment, they were just going to have to figure out how to live without him for a day. 

"I took tomorrow off," he told her, pulling her shirt over her head. 

Her eyes widened a bit, Angel taking off was rare, Angel taking off unexpectedly with absolutely no notice was unheard of. "Can- Can you do that?" 

He chuckled and touched his lips to her forehead for just a second, "Of course I can." Stepping out from between her thighs he stripped himself down to his slacks before flipping the faucet on to the shower, adjusting the water temperature he waited for a few seconds to make sure it was warming up before he came back over to her. 

The temperature in the air seemed to shift, and he was pretty sure it wasn't just because of the steam slowly starting to rise from the shower and fill the room. He didn't want her to feel or to worry he was pulling another play out of the past, to fuck up then try and screw her into acceptance or anything of the like, but he needed to be close to her, to show her what was truly inside of him.

Buffy seemed to squirm a little up on her perch as his eyes carefully took her in. "You do know I still have to go in though..." she said softly. 

His hands found their way to her stomach, a silent prayer of forgiveness going out to the little one housed in there, and another one to make sure he didn't screw everything up for this kid. "At some point you're going to have to go on leave in case you've forgotten," he reminded her. 

"I know, and the date for that is already set and fast approaching. I probably could have timed it all differently but circumstances were different at the time..."

Resting his forehead against hers, he told her he didn't care if she was at work anyway, he couldn't go in tomorrow, he didn't want to. He just needed to be with her, and if that meant trailing her around school if he could, or spending every last second with her before she went in and getting to be the one home earlier for once and surprising her somehow for when she returned, then so be it. He'd come too close to losing everything to deal with anything outside of this family right now.

OoOoO

No words were spoken as he carefully undressed her, not an inch of her left untouched from his warm hands as he slipped one garment off of her after the next and let it all fall down to the floor, his lips pressing to hers, against the slope of her shoulder, the curve of her stomach... 

His fingertips grazed her cheek before he pulled her into another deep kiss. "I love you," he whispered finally. "And I am sorry about today. You needed me there, I needed to be there, and I know it scared you when I didn't show up. I will never, never, Buffy, I will never put you in one of those positions again where I am purposefully not around, for you, for this baby."

She felt a tear already roll down, plopping on her stomach, trying to apologize to him once more but he cut her off. How she felt now as opposed to hours ago felt like night and day, and like ten years had eclipsed them both since she had found herself losing hope he would show up back at the appointment, the drive home afterward where she was nothing short of an emotional wreck, or from the point she had stormed off. 

Once he had finished with his own clothing, she was back in his strong arms, being carried the short distance over to the shower and helped inside. 

OoOoO

Closing her eyes, the warm water rained down over her, soothing some of the tension from her mind and from her muscles. 

Angel stood impossibly close, his hands in her hair, helping wash away anything remaining from the shampoo and bubbles before they switched positions. Buffy couldn't help but to notice how exhausted her poor husband looked and felt another stab of guilt for how she'd handled today run through her. 

She hated that she felt she had to keep one foot out of the door almost, but she wasn't ready to just let go completely either. She really did want to believe him, that things were going to be different and stay that way this time, but it was too early in her mind to let go of the caution, the fear that while things were going pretty wonderful right now if you excluded today that it could all change in the blink of an eye, too. It was like a constant battle inside of her that she wished she could just know the outcome of.

Trapping her between the wall and himself, water now just reaching her from a distance, his hand blindly reached out to the side to grab one of the dozen or so new additions she'd brought back to the little shelves when she moved back in while they otherwise got lost in one another. Buffy stood on her tip-toes, her hands gripping his neck, the back of his head as she tried to get closer to him, to put everything she was feeling right now into her movements. 

Her chest heaved up and down as they broke apart, her eyes feeling heavy as she watched his every move as he lathered her skin with the soft body wash. Her small hands circled around his wrists as he cupped her enlarged breasts, testing their weight in his palms, squeezing lightly. 

By the time he was done covering every inch of her chest she was already feeling her entire body buzzing and tingling with need for more. 

He took great care with her stomach, smiling softly at the light movements he earned from inside. From what she could gather, their little one seemed as exhausted as the rest of them. Earlier her stomach was acting like she was a bag of popcorn spinning around inside a microwave... but a billion times worse. She had no question he was probably just as happy to be home, to feeling her calming down, to hear Daddy's voice and feel him near. 

Despite how happy being pregnant made her, she couldn't help but feel weary at times about her body's changes, especially when she had been alone... but Angel had a way of making her feel like she sexy, beautiful, as if she were the only woman on the planet when she looked at her in just the right way. She'd spent so much time convincing herself he'd be angry, that he would be endlessly disgusted with her that it never stopped being surprising, at least so far, that he couldn't seem to keep his hands off of her, that his eyes darkened every time they took in her rounded belly.

After adding a little more soap to his hands, his hands roamed her hips and thighs, but she stilled, holding her breath as fingertips came in contact with her sex, as he touched everywhere except where she wished he would. "Angel," she whined but he only smirked, his body bending so he could finish the rest of her legs. 

His hands travelled down and back up again and then he told her to turn around. She felt him stand behind her as she did, his hands guiding her own to brace herself against the wall, her head turning back some just as he grabbed handfuls of her ass causing her to moan out his name again. 

A shiver ran through her as he rubbed circles and lines up and down her backside, pretty sure he'd written his name in the soap suds covering her spine at one point, effectively coating the other side of her arms and her shoulders in the process as well. He adjusted the shower nozzle and she felt all the soapy bubbles roll off her. His hands however continued their torment, brushing across her hips, her sides, reaching around to cup her heavy breast. She tried to turn back around but he once again had her pinned between himself and the wall, his mouth had somehow found its way back to the slick skin just where her shoulder met her neck, and in that very second she couldn't think of a single logical reason as to why they should wait another moment to be together. 

"Angel," she half whispered, half moaned. When he didn't answer, she lifted her hips and pushed her ass against his hard member. 

That got his attention, his fingertips digging into the soft flesh of her hips, he used the leverage to pull her even harder against him. There was nothing he wanted more than to sink into her hit depths, to utterly lose himself within her until neither could tell where one ended and the other began. His cock throbbed and twitched between the soft globes of her ass cheeks, one hand abandoning her aching nipples, he smoothed it down the perfect curve of her stomach until he reached the place she craved him most. 

Her entire body nearly bucked against him as he rolled and pinched her neglected bundle of nerves, "Keep you hands on the wall," he instructed, when she began to fully fall back against him.

Not wanting him to stop, never wanting him to stop, she did as he said bracing both hands back against the cool tiles. Feeling his fingers leaving her, she literally had to bite back a groan of disappointment, she knew it was her fault, her stupid stupid rules that had her all tangled up in this position, her body ready to explode from want, from need. She wasn't above begging, not at this point, she admittedly was a crazy hormonal mess, but she was a crazy hormonal mess that needed her fucking husband damnt. 

As if he could sense her thoughts, Angel grabbed the base of his heavy member. These lines she had drawn were becoming harder and harder not to blow right past. He needed her, in every sense of the word, he needed to feel her warmth surrounding him, he needed to feel her inner walls squeezing him as he reclaimed her body and reminded her just what it felt like to be his wife. Gripping the base of his cock, he guided the swollen flesh between her thighs, his engorged head slid between her slick folds, brushing across her clit, her hips rolled against him once more and he silently cursed.

Shifting their positions, his mouth never leaving her, he slowly made his way down to the shower floor, scooting his back against the wall, he carefully guided one of her legs across him, until he was pretty much eye level with her hot center. "Don't fall," he warned, but she'd barely even had time to process his words before his hands were once again slamming into her bottom, pulling her against his all too talented tongue. 

Almost instantly he felt her legs begin to tremble around him, he alternated between long slow licks as though he was savoring every drop and quick little flicks with the tip of his tongue. Before he knew it, her hips were grinding against his face, and unable to stand the torture a moment longer, one of his hands left her to wrap around his own swollen flesh. Working his own self to the same rhythm his mouth worked her, for a couple minutes there he wasn't sure if he was going to be able to outlast her. Then he heard her whimpering, begging him to fill her and he nearly lost it all over again. 

He wanted to, hell he was pretty certain there was nothing he ever wanted more in this life, but he knew how her mind worked and once she floated back down from this high he'd taken her too, she would be right be to questioning and second guessing, convincing herself that all this had been to make up for his absence today. Which couldn't be further from the truth but that was his wife for you. 

Nursing her clit between his lips, he didn't relent until her entire body tense and those first tremors start to roll through her. Only then did he release her long enough to pull her down onto his hard shaft. "Yes, God yes," she moaned in satisfaction, rotating and grinding against him while she rode out the final waves of bliss. 

Nearly the moment he entered her, he lost all control, his hands around her waist, he guided her movements pistoning in and out of her silky depths as he emptied himself in her tight channel. "You-you have no idea,"she gasped, "How much I missed this." 

He struggled to refill his own lungs with the much needed air they had been starved of. "Trust me," he finally managed, "I have an idea."


End file.
